My Top 10 Post-Divorce Lessons

My teenage son bought me a Kavu bag for my birthday to complete my "hippie look." It was the perfect gift given only by someone who really gets you. I thought about how strong our relationship has become. Similar to many post-divorce occurrences, it's not that it couldn't have happened when I was married, it's just that it counts as one of many happy results emerging from an unhappy situation. These are lessons I learned from those happy results.

1.I try to be closer to my child. I'm not saying you can't be married and close to your children. But often there seems to be a unique bond between the divorced and their children. Not having to divide attention between spouse and child accounts for some of it. Maybe the rest comes from having to live together through something so difficult. I'm grateful for that closeness and work hard to cultivate it.

2. I spend more time doing things I enjoy. After the necessary period of wallowing, I started doing things that made me happy.  I ran more. I began studying life coaching. I started practicing yoga. I wasn't a slug before, but post-divorce there was no one to ask me what it would cost, how much time away from them would be involved, who would watch my kid, or how it would contribute to the family.  I made choices that made me happy. Not surprisingly, things that make me happy contribute to the well-being of those around me.

3. I can live without a man. Not only that, but discovered I really like living without a man. I spend more time with friends. I spend more time working. I eat when and what I want. I watch the movies I want.  Don't get me wrong. I love sharing and doing things for others. I love men. It’s just that I learned I do very well without having one around full-time.

4. I do things I never would have thought possible. Getting the wasp nest out of the mailbox, the bat out of the garage, and buying a car may not seem huge. I'm not saying I'm Wonderwoman, but each time I accomplished one of those things I felt absolutely fantastic. It’s empowering to manage things myself instead of relegating them to the honey do list. And the added benefit is that they actually get done!

5. I am not alone. Perhaps it was having more opportunity, perhaps more need, but I met a lot of people post-divorce and made a lot of friends. Support also comes from the legions of divorced people. They write and talk about divorce. You realize many post-divorce experiences are shared. It helps to be part of a community, even one I hadn't planned to join.

6. I have strengths I never knew about. Relationships can be stifling.  It was far too easy for me to subjugate my aspirations to those of my partner and child. It was easy to act out wife and mother roles I inherited from my family. Divorce was a release from all that. Using my creativity and strengths in new ways, like writing, entering races, cooking and tweaking my career, helps me flourish as a single person. Singledom helped me capitalize on my strengths.

7. I do not have to make anyone else happy. People tried to tell me when to date, when not to date, what to do about my kid, what not to do about my kid, what to do in new relationships, what not to do.  I'd spent quite a number of years trying to make someone else happy, and look how that turned out. I don't have to please others by living out their fantasy of what ought to happen in my life or following often unsolicited advice. That's allowed me to return to my hippie look, develop my own parenting style and create a modern relationship that works for me.

8. It gets better. I kept telling myself that it would get better if I kept plugging away. And it does. I kept moving ahead and trying new things until it began to dawn on me that “after” was starting to feel pretty good.  In fact, "after" began feeling a lot better than “before.”

9. Healthy thoughts about the divorce keep me positive. Initially there was the inevitable ex-bashing. Then I realized that the negative energy crept into the rest of my life. I started focusing on positives. This means getting others in my world to give up their own negativity about my divorce and ex, or at least to keep it to themselves. It means not feeling sorry for myself. It means spending more time around healthy people.

10. Divorce does not define me. Although it seemed so at first, I learned that being divorced is not my central defining characteristic. Being divorced is part of who I am, and I choose to define it as an experience contributing positively to my growth as a person. I am a healthy, whole, creative woman, who happens to not have a husband.

You don't have to be divorced to make your life more healthy, powerful and positive. But if you happen to be divorced, it's a great opportunity to use your creativity and strengths to make some exciting changes.  And who knows, you just might get a Kavu bag out of it.
Reprinted from YourTango.

No More Damsels In Distress Post-Divorce

I couldn't find a better post-divorce survivor if I tried, than Sigourney Weaver in Political Animals.  As Weaver said in an interview Friday, "When I look around the world, I don't really see too many damsels in distress." As Elaine Barrish, Weaver is strong, determined, intelligent and competent. So of course Barrish is called cold and calculating by some.

No one exits a marriage sans angst, but what are the successful ingredients in a relatively distress-free post-divorce adjustment? These are my suggestions for damage-control:

Take yourself seriously. Whether it's as a parent, at work or in a new pursuit, whatever it may be, what you're doing is the most important thing you've ever done in your life. Make it real. When you're busy taking yourself seriously, there's not much room for negativity.

Focus on what you're doing. What you're doing deserves your complete attention. The class you've started, the meal you're cooking, the work you're doing, they're all worthy of your focus. While taking care of business, you don't have time to wallow.

Try new stuff. Consider something different.  I doesn't matter if it's yoga, speed-dating, a triathlon or an art class. Shifting some of your time and attention to mastering something new is a good challenge. It creates positive energy and optimism.

Keep busy. Forget about taking time to process.  You'll process enough. Keep yourself scheduled and doing things. Think about the people and things you want in your life, and make space for them.

Be authentic. Let your thoughts, words and deed reflect the things you truly believe in. You may have to figure out what you believe in, since divorce does have a nasty way of shaking up all our beliefs. But these are good things to spend time thinking about. What do I really want, need believe?

Practice stress management. You can cultivate the non-judging, patience and acceptance of mindfulness, increase or change your exercise, make more time for friends or spend more time with nature. Think about what decreases your stress and do more of it.

As Barrish said, "You'll never get to the next great moment if you don't keep going." If you'll forgive the mixing of media, be a Ripley. Be the last survivor.

Survivor, Destiny's Child

Post-Divorce Post-Infidelity Recovery Skills

In addition to coping with the post-divorce period, you may also be coping with the aftermath of infidelity and affairs in your relationship. Speed up your recovery from infidelity using self-care, resilience and optimism.

See my post on YourTango.

Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

The Divorce Hotel

On these pages I write of the post-divorce experience.  I’ve written about post-divorce gifts and celebrations.  But this pre-divorce experience simply takes the cake (which I’ve also written about) so to speak.  You’ve gotta have some dough to be able to check into the divorce hotel.

It’s just what it sounds like.  Check in married.  Check out divorced.  And as Tom Miller was shrewd enough to note, you get some hot hotel sex in between.  If you play your cards right, perhaps your favorite room service treats as well.

Does this cheapen and undermine the sanctity of marriage?  I would posit that anything that makes the divorce process easier is a good thing.  It won’t make it any easier to decide to divorce.  People won’t be saying, Oh, let’s get a divorce so we can go to the divorce hotel, will they? It might just ease a little of the stress around the nuts and bolts of the thing.

Really, I just posted this hoping my unsuspecting readers would get a little chuckle.  Anything that creates humor post-divorce is definitely a good thing.

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off, Billie Holiday

Post-Divorce Growth…After They Go, Grow

A run has never returned me exactly the same. I go, I grow. Kristin Armstrong, Runner’sWorld.com

This quote was my inspiration for revising my thinking about before and after. “Before,” as in before one of the partners goes, and “after,” as in after they go, or post-divorce. The “before” is often a rose-colored view of the way we were. It’s like when someone with whom you had a terribly conflicted relationship dies, and you remember only the good times. It’s nice, but unrealistic. I’m not suggesting you dwell on the “before” negatives.  But when it comes to post-divorce, I hear a lot of negatives about the “after.”

Making “after” a growth experience is the tricky part post-divorce.  After a run it’s easy.  You are more energized, calm, centered, de-stressed, confident or happy.  Consider how this can be the case after they go.

My suggestions are:

·         Identify one thing that’s better now, like having the whole bed to yourself or being criticized less often.

·         Name something you can do now that you couldn’t do before, like spend more time with your best friend.

·         What’s one thing you can do now without having to consult with anyone (e.g., deciding what to have for dinner, which movie to watch, where to go on vacation)?

·        How are you more self-reliant than you were before (e.g., you too can figure out how to change a fluorescent fixture and get a bat out of your garage)?

·        How are you better than you were before? Maybe you’re less worried and anxious and more fun to be around.

It’s true; before and after are very different, and not always in a good way.  See if you can identify the positive changes you’ve already made.  Think about the changes you’d like to make right now.  And remember, after they go, you grow.

Forgive me for repeating this song.  The Way We Were, Barbra Streisand

You Gotta Have Heart Post-Divorce

There's no magic to running far or climbing Everest. Endurance is mental strength. It's all about heart.  Bear Grylls, Adventurer

When you suffer a loss, it’s really difficult to see that you’re going to feel better.  It may not be tomorrow, or next week, and it may not even be next month, but at some point, if you keep going, you will feel better.  You will get to the top of the mountain if you have the heart.  In fact, if you really notice how you feel on a regular basis, you’ll notice that some minute, or hours, you actually feel better right now.

Normal mood fluctuates.  No one feels great every minute or terrible every minute.  So even when you’re down and out, your kid does something funny, you watch a funny scene in a movie, you have a good run or swim or conversation…these things make us feel good, and better than we did the moment before they happened.  You’re not on the summit, but there’s progress and you can start to take heart that you’re making it.  You have to notice those good moments.

In the beginning, those good feelings don’t last quite long enough to feel representative of a real cure.  Those good moments don’t seem to add up to a day.  Maybe they don’t even add up to an hour.  But noticing the good feelings and putting them together in a string of happy moments can start to add up to a solid amount of time if you have the heart for it.  One day you notice you had a good morning.  Soon, it’s a good day.  After awhile, you’re having good days, then weeks.  You are almost at the peak.

I’m suggesting that you make a point to notice:

• the moments that feel better
• the things that make you feel better
• the progress you’re making
• the increasing amount of good times

All you really need is heart.

You gotta have hope, musn’t sit around and mope

You’ve Gotta Have Heart, Damn Yankees

Need Some Willpower Post-Divorce?

Trying to get back on track post-divorce?  Need to start a wellness program, work more hours or start dating?  Willpower and self-control help.

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