Coping with Anxiety is Not One Size Fits All

Whether your anxiety predates your divorce or the pandemic, the solution is unique to you.

Photo by Tom Fisk from Pexels

During the pandemic I learned I am an ambivert. It was the A.Word.A.Day, word of the day one day and it fits. Neither introvert nor extravert, ambiverts, according Anu Garg, have qualities of both.

It brings to mind something I’ve been pondering during this pandemic—the notion that one size does not fit all, whether in clothing or people. Be it those one-size-fits-all running hats, how introverted you are, how you cope with your anxiety or how you grieve a loss, we are all different and we need and want different things.

My head is simply too small for those alleged one-size-fits-all hats. I am, as I mentioned, neither intro- nor extravert—it depends on the situation and my mood. I like to run to reduce anxiety, a passion not everyone can relate to for coping. I grieve quietly, privately, unobtrusively, and can still feel the pain years later as it if were yesterday, clearly not a mode of grieving that works for everyone.

Back to the pandemic, some of my clients and friends have been more anxious during the past year. Some previously quite anxious are, oddly, less anxious—the true introverts, I suspect. They do not mind working remotely, the absence of dinners out with friends or not having parties to attend.

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You Gotta Have Heart Post-Divorce

There's no magic to running far or climbing Everest. Endurance is mental strength. It's all about heart.  Bear Grylls, Adventurer

When you suffer a loss, it’s really difficult to see that you’re going to feel better.  It may not be tomorrow, or next week, and it may not even be next month, but at some point, if you keep going, you will feel better.  You will get to the top of the mountain if you have the heart.  In fact, if you really notice how you feel on a regular basis, you’ll notice that some minute, or hours, you actually feel better right now.

Normal mood fluctuates.  No one feels great every minute or terrible every minute.  So even when you’re down and out, your kid does something funny, you watch a funny scene in a movie, you have a good run or swim or conversation…these things make us feel good, and better than we did the moment before they happened.  You’re not on the summit, but there’s progress and you can start to take heart that you’re making it.  You have to notice those good moments.

In the beginning, those good feelings don’t last quite long enough to feel representative of a real cure.  Those good moments don’t seem to add up to a day.  Maybe they don’t even add up to an hour.  But noticing the good feelings and putting them together in a string of happy moments can start to add up to a solid amount of time if you have the heart for it.  One day you notice you had a good morning.  Soon, it’s a good day.  After awhile, you’re having good days, then weeks.  You are almost at the peak.

I’m suggesting that you make a point to notice:

• the moments that feel better
• the things that make you feel better
• the progress you’re making
• the increasing amount of good times

All you really need is heart.

You gotta have hope, musn’t sit around and mope

You’ve Gotta Have Heart, Damn Yankees

How to Think Post-Divorce

How is post-divorce adjustment like adjustment post-brain surgery?  Gweneviere Mann has short-term memory loss from complications from brain surgery.  Her story is poignant.  The thing I loved most was what she said about running the NYC marathon:

"You know, I have spent a lot of days since my injury comparing myself to what I used to be and feeling sad about the things that I've lost," she says. "But doing the marathon really shows me that I still have a lot left in me."

If only we could view ourselves that way post-divorce, after all of our changes and losses, eh?So how about it?

*Think about the things you can still do, not the things you can’t do

*Think about what you’ve got, not what you’ve lost

*Think about what you’re going to do, not what you’re no longer going to do

*Think about 3 things you’re grateful for, not 3 things you’re pissed off about

Most of all, be inspired by Gweneviere’s story.  Think about all you have left in you.  After all, it’s got to be a lot easier than brain surgery.

For Gweneviere: Guinnevere, Crosby, Stills & Nash

What Do You Call Your Significant Other Post-Divorce?

This is not a trick question.  What is your once-significant other now?  My insignificant other?  My formerly significant other?  The person once known as my spouse?  Okay.  What’s in a name, anyway?  But I think it speaks to the issue of change.

Invariably, one party is angry.  If that’s not the case for you, yippee.  There’s always hurt and a feeling of loss.  Often there’s confusion.  It’s useful to consider the emotions you’re feeling.  It’s good to name them and decide how big they are.  This helps you decide what you need to do about the feelings.  There may be some name-calling among friends, initially.  It’s just a way to diffuse some of those feeling.  But it has to stop.

The way you think of your former spouse, and I use this term because it’s benign and non-pejorative, affects how you think about yourself.  I’ve said before, in my top 5 list, instead of ex, just use a name.  It decreases anger and increases control.  Your once-significant is a real person, not a monster or an all-powerful being.  It doesn’t have to be a name, but it does have to be neutral.  This is imperative if you have kids, but also useful if you don’t.  Even your adult kids don’t want to hear one parent berating another.  It puts them in a tough spot.

Now, about those feelings of hurt and loss, they’re part of the grieving process.  Whatever the nature of the relationship, and however good it’s going to turn out to be divorced, there’s loss there.  Whether it’s the person you’re missing, their family, friends you lose, things you did together, memories you shared, all of that is very real and it’s painful.  You can’t avoid it.  You have to feel it, share it, write about it, sing about it, do whatever you do to deal with emotional issues.  Oh, you don’t deal with emotional issues?  This is a great time to start.

When you can use the term you’ve chosen freely and with comfort, you’re moving forward.  Then it’s time to consider where you want to go.

I Call Your Name, The Mammas & The Pappas (I like their version better, so shoot me)