Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The Zen Of Wellness

Divorce is a time of turmoil but also an opportunity to recreate yourself. It's a great time to look at your life in terms of health and wellness.

In my recent article I suggest an approach to wellness that I found useful post-divorce.  See what you think. It starts like this:



Does the thought of creating a wellness plan trigger fear of deprivation, pain and suffering? You may worry about a diet free from unhealthy foods, the physical pain involved in starting an exercise program or the suffering of trying to make good choices when it would be so much easier to have that drink, smoke that cigarette or enjoy that chocolate cake. 

As much as you try to avoid it, you can't help but notice that, in the news again, is the advice to eat more fruits and vegetables and less meat and sugar. It's time to take that advice to heart.

With heartfelt caring for your mind, body and spirit, I suggest an Eastern approach to practicing wellness. I borrow from the Buddhist eightfold path, tenets to apply to your wellness plan. May it ease your suffering and enliven your plan to try: 

Right Speech

Stop undermining your plan by being washy washy about how many times a week you'll get to the gym or whether you can really live without your favorite fast food. 




 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

7 Surprising Ways You Can Boost Your Happiness


You can always use some happiness-boosting ideas post-divorce. Here are some I've identified in a YourTango article.

My son flew home recently and told me how he arrived at his seat and promptly put on headphones to avoid taking to anyone. I explained that a recent study found that those who talk to the person beside them on a plane or train arrive happier. He wasn't buying it.

We all know that doing meaningful work, being with people you love and avoiding all things toxic increase happiness. Then there are unexpected things, like talking to strangers on planes, that increase happiness. Here are a few other unexpected happiness boosters:

1.       Buy experiential products. You may know that experiences, like your last vacation trip, make you happier than things, like your lovely new sofa. What you may not know is that buying things that are related to experiences, like the Garmin for those long runs I love, creates and enhances happiness more than buying non-experiential products. Memo to self: the last pretty watch I bought neither created nor enhanced my experience of anything.


 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

7 Times Love At First Sight Can Actually Happen


Ready to date? Of course you are, or see, "How to know you're ready to date after divorce," if you're not sure. One thing we still ponder, even after we've already parted from the presumed love of our life, is whether we can have love at first sight again, or for the first time. That's what this article is about. It begins,

Renée Zellweger explained it to Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire with, "You had me at 'hello'." Many of us have experienced it. According to a recent DatingAdvice.com survey, 57% of Americans believe it can happen. There are many reasons we meet someone and later proclaim, "It was love at first sight.

You be the judge of whether these factors behind the love at first sight phenomenon reflect true love:

1.  Your radar instantly detects your perfect match.  


 Be it washed out jeans, dirty blond, slightly unkempt hair and a copy of the very novel you are reading in hand, or a designer suit, expensive haircut and leather briefcase on deck, a quick look reveals a lot about someone. You compare the information with your perfect-mate template in nanoseconds and it's a match, or not. It's not just superficial. Appearance gives you information about a stranger. What you wear and carry signal some of the things you find important. 

Read more here... 

Get information and reviews about dating sites here…



Sunday, December 21, 2014

7 Reasons You May Be Anxious About Getting Help…But Don't Be!

If there was ever a time you might want to consider getting some professional help, post-divorce is certainly that time. But people often have anxiety about moving forward to coaching or therapy. My article is about why you should not let your worries stop you. It starts like this...


Many of us love the holidays. Perhaps an equal number loathe them. Either way, they're filled with stress. Visiting one's dysfunctional family, or not seeing said family, giving or receiving the right gifts, being with a challenging partner or feeling alone, these are just a few of the issues that come up for us this time of year.

A surprising number of my psychotherapy clients tell me they worry that they won't have enough to talk about to fill the 45 minutes. My coaching clients sometimes have concerns about how well they're using the time. Many clients come to me saying how long they've waited before finally making the call to schedule an appointment.

These are some of the specific concerns I hear and the reasons they should NOT keep you from getting some help:  

1. My issues are boring. Starting therapy or coaching does not mean you are entering a contest for who has the most interesting, exotic or unique life. Your difficulties, be they holiday concerns, boyfriend problems, problems with your sister, boss or children, are the stuff of therapy and coaching. Yes, people all over the world are fighting for freedom, suffering injustice and the like, but I'm there to guide you through your procrastination, insomnia or panic, not to end world hunger. 

Read more here... 

 

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Need A Boost Of Confidence? First, Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

We all need more confidence post-divorce, and the mental and physical strength to cope with stress. This article looks at developing the skills to face adversity. It begins...



Why enter a road race? If I say, Because it's fun, I can hear the groans already. Another reason I do it is because it's out of my comfort zone. I've been running a long time and running on my own is easy. But entering a race, sitting in my hotel room alone the night before, checking my gear for the nth time, wondering just how much colder the wind will make it feel, anxiously trying to sleep and then waking up early, with nervous anticipation, sometimes I really wonder why I do it.

I've decided it's all about getting out of my comfort zone and becoming stronger—not just physically stronger, but mentally stronger. Here's how it works:

The Positive Mindset

As Olympic runner Jeff Galloway said, "The more you frame the marathon as a stressful experience, the more negative messages you will receive." Sitting in my hotel room I sometimes have a negative mindset, worrying about the potential problems and pitfalls of the next day's race. To shake that, I remind myself of how I'll feel walking toward the starting line with fellow-runners, talking about last year's race, those we've run recently and upcoming events, and my positive mindset kicks in. 

Read more here... 


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The World According To Dunham



Whether they're 20-, 30- or 60-something, my clients often bemoan the unfairness of life. They are frequently bemused, as in "I've been so good to him, how could he have lied to me for all that time?" or, "My boss has totally got it in for me…no reason whatsoever…I don't get it." They are shocked by the randomness.

The remarkable thing about Lena Dunham's memoir is that, at a mere 27, she seems to have totally gotten how the world works, as in, "There's a lot of crap around and you can't avoid that.

I've written previously about wisdom we can glean from Dunham's Girls series. At the risk of again being accused of suffering a girl crush, I simply must relate some Dunhamisms from the memoir, applicable to your relationships.

1.  Not yet ready for prime time. Dunham notes that when you go for guys who aren't interested in you, it could be because you're not ready for sex. While she referred to her adolescence, this applies at any age and goes beyond sex. Focusing efforts on unavailable men means that, not only aren't you ready for sex, you're probably not ready for any type of intimacy, including the non-physical kind. Take your time.

Read more here...


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

6 Good Reasons To Be Facebook-Free


Post-divorce, Facebook may take on a bigger role in your life as you seek new social connections. I get that. It's still worth considering some of the problems with the media, as I wrote about in my YourTango piece. It starts like this:

People are incensed about Facebook's manipulation of emotional content. Psychologist that I am, I wasn't too upset about it. Since my dissertation involved deception, how hypocritical would that be? And, I seriously doubt that Facebook's research killed anyone, as one Tweeter apparently wondered. 

Nevertheless, the controversy, along with my clients and friends who are regularly threatening to delete their Facebook accounts, led me to pull together these reasons to consider joining the FB-Free club.

1.  Being an unwitting guinea pig
 

If you are furious about the FB content manipulation, you might want to consider, as psychologist Michael Ross said: "It's like undressing in front of an open window and then being outraged that someone watched." Be that as it may, not only would deactivating your FB account solve the problem of being subjected to future unwanted intrapsychic meddling, maybe you also get the satisfaction of giving FB a little payback by leaving…take that FB!

Read more here...