Tuesday, February 9, 2016

4 Qualities To Say "Yes" To In A Partner

So it's time to date and seek the new love of your life. This post provides a few suggestions about what you need to look for.


As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners likely to make us happy.
My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things they seek in their next mate, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, etc.  You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment. And it follows that the not-so-handsome mate who is very understanding will bring us more happiness.

The traits that reflect our deepest, intrinsic desires are most important in guaranteeing satisfaction with our partner. 

What we really need are:  

1. Warmth. This person desires intimacy with you. Read more here...

 

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Relieve Your Stress And Become A Better Mother

As the stress mounts post-divorce, parenting is an area where it can really take a toll.

I'm quoted in a post about ways to reduce your stress for better parenting.

You can read it here...





Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Stress Turns Out To Be Good For You! 3 Strategies You Need To Follow

As many of us view our divorce as something akin to a train wreck, there's no shortage of stress.

But the good news is that you just need to figure out how to put your stress to work for you. I recently wrote about it in a post that starts like this:

It's common knowledge that, repeated over time, stress leads to problems with health, performance and wellbeing, including illness, missed days from work, depression, aggression and relationship problems.

If you're like most people, your mindset is geared toward getting rid of the stress or avoiding the problem. Who can blame us? Nobody likes that that sick-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach fight or flight feeling. Our response is usually denial (I'm fine!), anger (Why me!) or overwhelm (I can't handle this!).

But, oddly, recent research has shown that stress actually heightens awareness, speeds up thinking, improves performance and leads many to say, "I'm great in a crisis." It's why my clients suffering with anxiety tell me their worry helps them anticipate problems and envision potential solutions. It's how I know that adults who have faced hardships early in life can have tremendous reserves of strength to face current difficulties and often a greater appreciation for the gifts life has given them.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Relationship Advice For Men: 62 Tips From 62 Experts

So now that you're divorced, you're considering dating or you're already dating.

From EliteManMagazine, read all 62 really helpful tips, including a few from yours truly.

The article starts like this:

Guys are often left shaking their heads in pure bewilderment when it comes to different aspects of their relationship.  Their wives, girlfriends, or partners of some sort or another, just seem to constantly throw curveball after curveball at them, and their left wondering what to do.


Without giving up on their loved ones, they fight back; but this often leads to more stress and even more relationship imbalance. 

You see men aren’t schooled in this department of life.

Read the rest here... 


Thursday, October 8, 2015

5 Awesome Benefits Yoga And Running Bring To Life



Now that you're divorced, or going through the process, you're probably looking for things to do that will bring balance, joy and growth to your life. My recent piece gives you two suggestions as well as skills an attitudes you can bring to your current activities. It starts like this: 

As I ran one day it came to me, in the way that running and yoga bring insights, that there are striking similarities between the experiences of running and yoga. Neither is solely about benefits like relaxation, stress reduction or weight management, because the gains are so much bigger. Most forms of exercise and meditation enable us to practice the same skills and attitudes that also serve us well in life.

If you struggle to achieve balance, joy and growth in your life, choose an appealing form of exercise or yoga-like activity, and try it using these skills and attitudes:

1.  Respect your intelligent edge. We have all paid the price of not respecting the limits of our bodies, of not stopping at our intelligent edge. The result is physical pain or exhaustion after muscling into a pose that's beyond us or running too fast, too long on a given day. While you don't want to be a slacker, you also don't want to overdo.


Read more here...

 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Inhale, Exhale — Let Go Of Negative Energy Post Breakup



You've probably had one of those knots in your back like the one I have right now. You stress out over something, lean over your computer too much, go to yoga, slip on your mat and, a day later, agony. You can hardly lift your arm over your head without excruciating pain. This must be much like the samskara, or energy knot, my yoga instructor has been talking about. 

Samskaras are negative patterns of behavior we have developed over the course of our lives. They are strategies that do not serve us well, yet we are compelled to repeat them over and over. Like Freud's repetition compulsion, when we try to undo past trauma by engaging in the same ineffective behavior, we are doomed to fail.

There are some particular post-breakup samskaras I hear over and over. Consider a few options for releasing their maddening hold: 

1. Social media lurking. Checking your ex's activities on various platforms, via your friend's platforms or by allowing people to pass info onto you, each represent misguided attempts to hang on.



 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

A Simple Hack to Stick to Any Goal… using a Rubber Band



Post-divorce, you are working on lots of new things. My guest blogger, Victor Mathieux, has developed a simple product he thinks will help you reach your goal, any goal. Check it out. It's science:

A couple years ago I launched the Everest goal-setting app and many people from this community liked it, so I’m back to share something new (full-disclosure: I am sharing a product but also have a useful hack you can use regardless):
 
One day, I realized that despite having 3 reminders set on my phone to “do pushups & take vitamins,” I STILL WASN’T DOING IT. Having studied behavior change for years and having co-founded a company whose sole purpose was to help people stick to their goals, I found this lack of consistency in my own life frustrating.

Practically speaking, I was well aware that to turn a goal into action, three things need to come together: First, you must have the ability to do the task, second, the motivation or desire to do it in the first place, and third, a trigger that sparks you to do it (if you’re not already familiar with this framework, you should checkout the work of BJ Fogg, a behavioral researcher at Stanford).
 
Read more here…