Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Why Being Perfect Won't Make You As Happy As You Think (And 6 Things That Actually Will)

Taking advantage of the opportunity, post-divorce consider letting go of some of the things that make life more stressful. This piece is about perfectionism, and how to lose it.

It starts like this:

I think of them, affectionately, as perfectionistas. Those people who begin a sentence with, “I know nothing’s perfect, but…” But what? There is no “but.” Nothing’s perfect.

Linked with suicide, addiction, anxiety, anorexia, depression, high blood pressure and early death, according to a recent study, perfectionism is on the rise.

Social media may be driving the upswing as we constantly compare ourselves with others. It’s no surprise that, with teens spending as much as 9 hours a day on social media, and the average daily worldwide social media use estimated at 135 minutes, we experience a desire for the perfect lifestyle, including all the perfect houses, jobs and people we see on-line.

Perfectionism, the relentless striving for flawlessness and excessively high performance, sets the high bar by which we consistently judge ourselves and find ourselves wanting. At the same time the perfectionist worries about how others evaluate them.

I’m anticipating your question, the same one my clients pose: “What’s wrong with trying to be as perfect as possible?”

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Post-divorce Survival Guide

My book is mentioned in a "Best Relationships Books" article!

The book helps the reader manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce. I call on my personal experience and years of work with clients going through this devastating life event to demonstrate how you can emerge even better than before.

Check it out here!

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

5 Ways To Stop Obsessing About Your Looks (And What It Means If You Do)

I know it's difficult not to scrutinize your looks post-divorce. My latest article is about how to not do that anytime,and what to try instead. It starts like this...
You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that American women are obsessed with their appearance and constantly worrying about their looks. We all want to know how to look pretty, how to look hot and even how to look younger. 
According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, in 2016 over 4.5 million Botox injections were performed, with the total price tag for surgical and non-surgical aesthetic procedures topping 15 billion dollars. Only 9% of recipients were men.
Allure reports that 2017 was the “unofficial” year of plumped-up lips. The predictions for what will be hot in 2018 include the laser bra lift, the new Botox, upper and lower eye-lid filler and customized labia (ouch!). My personal fav is the so-called vampire breast lift. As you might guess, blood is involved. And here I was thinking Allure was cool for banning the term “anti-aging.”

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Do You Apologize Too Much? What You Need to Know About Saying Sorry

One of the things we tend to be really good at post-divorce, is feeling shame and guilt, even if we're clear we did nothing wrong. It just goes with the territory.

So this post about apologizing could come in handy.

It starts like this:

The evening I realized I said “sorry” to my cat for pushing her aside so I could share the chair with her, I knew I needed to start looking into the subject of apologizing.

I’m sorry to say that when I began my research, I thought I was writing a piece about why women should stop apologizing so much. Turns out, it’s complicated.

While there is some research to support the common view that women apologize more than men, it’s not overwhelming. That said, we all know someone who over-apologizes; typically, that person is female.

To decide whether you fall in the over-apologizing group, you must know that apologies are more complex than a simple, “I’m sorry.”

Apologies fall in several categories...

Read more here..


Wednesday, December 27, 2017

How To Deal With Older Children's Bad Decisions (Without Pushing Them Away)

As a divorced mom, I know some of the particular challenges of coping with your children faced by the single-parent.

Here's my latest on some issues we all have to deal with.

Slim, pretty, equipped with her Prada bag, my son's girlfriend was in my home for a grand total of twenty-four hours. Shortly before the day ended, she informed my son she did not feel "comfortable" in my house...

I was terrified by recent research suggesting mothers are more likely to be estranged from their children than fathers and that it is more common than you think. One in 10 families studied had an estranged child. Another study concluded that feeling like a parent is constantly about to reject you for your choices creates enough emotional turmoil to threaten the relationship.

Read more here...

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

How To Quietly Rage Against Ageism (And Grow Older Gracefully)

One of the things I started doing post divorce was road-racing. It was a real jump-starter, so to speak. I talk about it in this recent article.

The running community is awesome. You make friends training, racing, or out for a casual jog. We’re all equal. If you can keep up with the group, you’re in. Age, ethnicity, and gender are irrelevant.
Or so I thought.
Not long ago, I ran a 10K — far from my first. The race was a combined 5K and 10K. If you’ve never run one of those, as you might guess, there’s a point at which the 5K and 10K groups divide.
As I approached the split, the specter of ageism first appeared.

I could see and hear — despite my no doubt rapidly declining faculties — a guy yelling out the split: 5Ks to the left, 10Ks to the right. He repeated 5K slightly more insistently and pointed left as I approached. Hmm.
Then I got closer, and, since my cognitive abilities are still relatively intact, or at least I like to think so, I was already on the right. And another guy actually repeated, more loudly as I got to the split, "5K, 5K, 5K!" urgent gesticulation left, urgent gesticulation left, urgent gesticulation left.
Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’m pretty sure he was convinced I looked too old for the 10K.

Read more here...

Monday, October 9, 2017

How To Deal With (And Get OVER) The Roughest Times In Your Life

Dealing with divorce or surely one example of getting over the roughtest time in your life. Here's my latest piece on how to do that.

Life is not a bowl of cherries…it's more like the box of chocolates Forrest Gump's mother told him about…you never know what you're going to get.

Those chocolates you'd rather not be eating, they're what drive people to therapy. When I consider the issues people often bring to therapy…coping with a loss, a personal failure, an empty nest, a divorce…it seems like some bounce back much more quickly than others. What's the magic ingredient?

A new theory of adaptability suggests that diversifying your personal portfolio is a sustainable method of boosting your resilience to the ups and downs of life.

Do you know how your investment portfolio is supposed to be diversified? You have stocks, bonds, mutual funds, property and the like, some riskier than others. While you probably won't get rich quick, you will avoid taking a hard fall that totally wipes you out. A diversified portfolio makes your financial well-being more resilient to the ups and downs of the market.

There is evidence that expanding the number of roles, relationships and experiences in your life provides a kind of personal diversification that increases emotional resilience, that ability to bounce back, along with happiness and self-esteem.