Celebrating Valentine’s Day Post-Divorce (And Other Special Occasions)

I could have been a little more timely, but it took awhile for Valentine’s Day to sink in this year.  Post-divorce holidays like Valentine’s Day can be trying and particularly uncelebratory.

My tips for your post-divorce Valentine’s Day (or other special occasion)

*Perhaps it’s not such a special day after all.  I don’t mean to be a scrooge, but does anyone really celebrate their love?  And they don’t call them hallmark holidays for nothing, do they?  So my suggestion: don’t make it such a big deal.  This works for birthdays, mother’s/father’s days and other similar made up holidays.

*You still love people, right?  So how can you make their day brighter?  If you absolutely, positively have to celebrate, why not celebrate someone else’s day.  Your kid, your co-worker, your mother…you get the idea.  Take the focus off you.  It helps.  This works for other “special” days as well; just find someone else to celebrate.

*Holidays like Valentine’s Day are primarily about cards, chocolate and whatever else your tradition has been.  What’s stopping you from buying your own chocolate and flowers?  Let’s face it, does chocolate taste any better because someone else has bought it for you?  I think not.  It’s your birthday?  That watch you’ve had your eye on will look just as good and work just as well if you buy it for yourself.

*I’ve always tried to send my single friends Valentines.  People may not be accustomed to you being single.  Sometimes it helps to tell your friends what you need.  Specifically.  Like, send me a card next year if I’m still single, please.  Flowers would be nice too.  And apply the same strategy to other special occasions.

So I say celebrate!  Just celebrate a little differently.  Be creative and make your own special occasion.

Someone Like You, Adele

It’s No Cakewalk Post-Divorce…Or Is It?

I used to go out and run 3 miles regularly.  After many years it generally wasn’t much of a stretch.  Pushing it up to 6 was a challenge.  The thought of a half-marathon (13.1) was daunting.  Now that I’ve run 13 or 14 a number of times, planning on doing 9 this weekend seems like a cakewalk.  How do we get from something that seems incredibly difficult to a state of relative ease?   We might be talking about running or about post-divorce life.

Our perspective about things shifts over time.  Is the glass half full, or half empty?  Is 9 miles a lot, or not so much?  It simply depends on how you look at it.

A shift in our awareness occurs as well.  Before I was someone who ran 3 miles, now I’m someone who runs 14.  I didn’t have to judge it at 3, and I don’t have to judge it at 14 since I’m shooting for 26.2.  But it’s a marathon, not a sprint, so it may take a little while to get there.

So what does all this have to do with post-divorce life?  Before I was someone who was married, now I’m someone who is divorced.  I don’t have to judge it.  Before I was someone who went on vacation with my spouse, now I might go alone. Before I didn’t have to think about being comfortable around my ex-spouse, his/her new spouse, their new kids.  Now I do and may adopt the intention to accept things as they are.  It doesn’t have to be good or bad.  It just is what it is.

I’m proposing that things that seem difficult, perhaps nearly impossible, become relatively easy after you’ve built up to them.  Whether it’s miles or uncomfortable situations (think school plays, graduations, weddings), you keep slogging away at it and it gets easier, a cakewalk.

I’d suggest you try the following:

Keep an open mind to new perspectives, asking yourself if the glass is half full or half empty.

Be non-judgmental, noticing and aware of challenges, but not necessarily considering every new role or challenge as good or bad.

Give yourself more time to meet your goals, whether they’re meeting a new partner, figuring out a new career, or establishing a sense of balance and harmony.

And about that cake, you’ve earned it.

C. Debussy, Golliwog’s Cakewalk, Barbora Tomaskova

Post-Divorce Change Requires Willpower!

One of the things I hear about a lot is the trouble people have giving up their cherished ways of thinking about their lives and behaving post-divorce:  what the future will hold; how holidays should be; what their financial situation wouldda, shouldda, couldda been; how they relate to their ex; how they talk about their marriage, etc.  The new insights about willpower can help with making changes.  Perhaps you’ve resolved in this new year (it’s still January so I’m still talking about the new year), to change your thinking or ways of relating.

Changing anything is hard.  It requires willpower.  So here are a few tips from the new book, Willpower, by Baumeister and Tierney, to help with those nagging thoughts.

1.  Willpower is like a muscle that can be strengthened.  Practice will make it stronger.  Decide what you’re going to work on, and then keep at it until it becomes a habit that you no longer have to think about or work at.  Practice may not make perfect, but it makes much better.  You can change how you think post-divorce.

2.  Willpower is like a muscle, so it can get tired.  Trying to change too many things at once will tire out that muscle.  You’ll wind up wimping out on one or more of them.  Using that muscle too much by having too much contact with your ex while you’re trying to be nice, or trying not to feel upset, will fatigue that muscle.  Talking too much about your ex while you’re trying to be nice, or trying not to feel upset, will fatigue that muscle.  That’s why texting and email are good.  They reduce the contact.

3.  Willpower draws on our mental reserves which can be depleted in a variety of ways.  Making a lot of decisions depletes mental reserves.  Other things that deplete our mental reserves include not getting proper sleep and diet.  Make sure you replenish depleted reserves as often as you can, and be aware when you’re running on empty.  Don’t take on too much when your willpower reserve is depleted.  You can accept the future post-divorce, but you don’t want to be reviewing your finances or planning for the future when you’re feeling depleted.

You must find the fine balance between exercising your willpower muscle to strengthen it, but not overworking it.  Think about willpower being like any other muscle; you can do strengthening exercises, but do too much and you risk shut down or injury.   So exercise smart.  Decide what’s important right now and choose just a couple of new year’s resolutions.

New Year’s Day, U2

You Might Prefer Singledom Post-Divorce, If…

In the new year, I like to come up with some pithy post-divorce tip.  Last year I talked about secret destinations post-divorce.  Perhaps your secret destination is that you enjoy being single.  You might prefer being single post-divorce, if you…

*enjoy your alone time.  A lot.

*aren’t all that interested in finding a new partner.

* prefer making your own decisions and handling your own problems.

*enjoy going places on your own.

*don’t mind sleeping alone most of the time.

*like to indulge in your favorite vice alone.

*like to pursue your goals solo.

*don’t have to share your latest fiasco with that special someone.

Or so says Bella DePaulo in Are You Single at Heart? in the Jan/Feb 2012 Psychology Today.  If you agree with a lot of these statements, you might be perfectly happy on your own.  It’s just a thought.

There are many breakup songs and albums.  The closest I could come to a positive break up song:  Smile, Lily Allen.

Post-Divorce Holidays…My Way

As the post-divorce years go on, sometimes we have feelings of guilt, nostalgia or anger we thought were long dormant.  It’s like a death; many years later the grief can return full-blown.  But it passes.  It’s all normal.  The key is to make the holidays your own.  Do it your way.

It’s good to take stock as the years go on.  How are you doing in your new life?  Or how would you like to be doing if it’s just beginning?   When I look back at the blogs I wrote around the holidays, I notice differences.  In 2009 I focused on helping the self (e.g., de-stressing, acceptance).  In 2010 it was more about others (e.g., being social, volunteering).  You may need to focus on some of these things this year.

It’s clear that of course we need both the self and other focus to move forward.  Consider what your goals are for the holiday.  Is it “me” time?  Is it vacation time?  Is it trying-to-enjoy-what-little-time-I-have-off time?  Is it family time?  Or perhaps it’s a combination of some of those.  Once you decide on your goal(s), you can figure out how to meet those goals.  Then you can plan some things.

For “me” time, get prepared with the things you need.  It may be books, movies, lunches with friends or a new gym membership.  Perhaps you’ll plan a volunteer activity, which also works for family time.  For vacation it may mean leaving the electronics behind, or limiting them ruthlessly.  Ditto that for family time.  If you only have a little time off, how can you plan to make the most of that time?  What will you do to make the family time fun for everyone?

The choices may be all yours to make.  Relish the freedom of making your own decisions and choices.  And do make choices.  Don’t just let things happen and allow the creeping feelings of loss sadness to take over.

And while you’re at it, think about the coming year.  What would you like to accomplish, change or begin?  Start thinking about how to make those things happen.

Whatever your focus, do it in your own unique way with your own style.  And have fun!

My Way.  Frank Sinatra

Patience is Necessary Post-Divorce, Running is Optional

I don't know if running changed my life or if I changed my life for running, but who cares really? My feet keep moving, my arms keep pumping, and my mantra keeps rolling, 'Be patient. You got this.'

Valerie DiMambro, Runner’s World Challenger

Learn more about Valerie’s challenge (essentially from couch potato to 5K) if you’re interested, but if not, you gotta love the mantra.  It’s very post-divorce in that she was post-divorce when she started running.  It’s also an interesting parallel; did divorce change your life, or did you change your life because of divorce?  Perhaps a little bit of each?

The fact is, the changes are here, and it doesn’t much matter how that happened.  What matters is what you do with it.  Patience is necessary.

When you first start running, it’s difficult.  Like most things worth doing, you have to put in the time, effort and consistency to attain mastery.  You have to have a plan. Patience is required.

Even after you’ve been running awhile, sometimes it’s still difficult.  You’re having a bad day, you didn’t sleep enough or eat enough the day before, or you ate too much.  You’ve got to stick to your plan.  Patience keeps you going.

It’s the same with the post-divorce period.  You start off and it’s difficult.  You come up with a plan.  Once you’ve been at it awhile, it gets better, but you can still have a bad day.  Perhaps you’re not taking care ofyourself, isolating or working too hard.  You’ve got to stick to your plan.  Patience gets you through.

So hang in there, and remember, be patient, you got this.

Bad day, Daniel Powter (very cute video)

Find Your Post-Divorce Lifeline

We’ve all had our personal Titanics, we’ve all had those moments where we really have not shone, and we’ve had to live through and block it out and try to face some kind of future knowing that we missed an opportunity to be bigger and better than we were.

I love that quote from Frances Wilson’s interview.   She spoke of her book about J. Bruce Ismay, who owned the Titanic and survived it’s destruction.  For many of us, divorce is our personal Titanic.  The thing that sinks us to the depths of depression, hopelessness and fear.  The thing for which we need, if not a lifeboat, at least a lifeline.

Perhaps it would be more apt to think of the marriage as the Titanic.  The thing that threatened to take us down, along with innocent bystanders.  And here’s where I think we want to take stock.  Wilson asks, How do you pick up a life after that?  There’s a difference between surviving and living.

Very true.  So what’s your lineline going to be?  Lifelines I’ve known include yoga, running, a career, friends, writing, travel, gardening, music, etc.   These things broaden us.  They change us in positive ways.  Think about it.  What’s your lifeline?  Just pick something, and see.  See if it saves you and makes you bigger and better than you were.

Just waiting for an excuse to include WoodenShips, Crosby, Stills & Nash