Before Your Emotions Get The Best Of You, Take A Moment And Just Breathe

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Try a mindfulness strategy to improve self-control under stress.

You know that person, the one that always challenges your self-control? It could be your ex, or might be a colleague you see occasionally at meetings, a friend of a friend, or a relative you only see at holidays.

How about those difficult situations, like getting a late charge because you forgot to pay a bill? Situations like that also tax our self-control abilities. Yeah, like that unexpected tax bill.

Yet another precursor of self-control problems is cumulative stress—you slept poorly, ate poorly, worked 12 hours straight and, just as you’re getting ready to shut work down for the day, the message arrives from your boss—Aargh, you are not seriously asking me to do one more thing today, are you?

That person and those situations, along with the stress you're already facingpost-divorce, are why you need mindfulness-based coping strategies.

According to Jon Kabat-Zin, “mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” Using mindful strategies in the face of stressors, like that person, you can behave in a controlled, thoughtful manner.

Having a mindful coping strategy, along with a couple of basic steps to improve self-control, can slow the burn, avoid the meltdown and help with a speedy recovery.

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Coping with Anxiety is Not One Size Fits All

Whether your anxiety predates your divorce or the pandemic, the solution is unique to you.

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During the pandemic I learned I am an ambivert. It was the A.Word.A.Day, word of the day one day and it fits. Neither introvert nor extravert, ambiverts, according Anu Garg, have qualities of both.

It brings to mind something I’ve been pondering during this pandemic—the notion that one size does not fit all, whether in clothing or people. Be it those one-size-fits-all running hats, how introverted you are, how you cope with your anxiety or how you grieve a loss, we are all different and we need and want different things.

My head is simply too small for those alleged one-size-fits-all hats. I am, as I mentioned, neither intro- nor extravert—it depends on the situation and my mood. I like to run to reduce anxiety, a passion not everyone can relate to for coping. I grieve quietly, privately, unobtrusively, and can still feel the pain years later as it if were yesterday, clearly not a mode of grieving that works for everyone.

Back to the pandemic, some of my clients and friends have been more anxious during the past year. Some previously quite anxious are, oddly, less anxious—the true introverts, I suspect. They do not mind working remotely, the absence of dinners out with friends or not having parties to attend.

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Why Your Emotional Support Animal Is Not Treatment For Your Anxiety

Anxiety comes with the territory post-divorce. You might need more than your pet. Here's a recent post on why, and how to reduce anxiety.

I was on a recent teletherapy call with an anxious young college student. Let's call him Robbie. Half-way in he told me he thought he needed an ESA. ESA, I thought…is that one of those texting anagrams I should know, like FOMO or YOLO? Before I had a chance to ask, Robbie said that having his long-time companion, his adored tabby, in his dorm room would make his anxiety manageable.

It came to me in a flash: Emotional Support Animal. I'd read about these. A quick Google search after the call revealed that people are contacting teletherapy services, like the one I took Robbie's call on, to obtain virtually (pun intended) immediate certification to have their ERAs in dorms, pet-unfriendly apartments and on airplanes. 

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Spring, 2016 Newsletter

Click here to see my Spring, 2016 Newsletter, with my recent posts and others I've enjoyed on health and wellness, relationships, dating and post-divorce adjustment. And there's news about my new office. Read it here…

For the next 5 days my book, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide. Tools for Your Journey, is available FREE.

4 Steps To Becoming Your Authentic Self

Being divorced you're probably trying to get back to being your authentic self. You're also likely trying to meet people, both as friends and to date. This post will help you be you...

One of my top recommendations for clients and friends who are dating is to be yourself. Although you may not list authenticity as a top quality for a partner or friend, recent research suggests it is one of the qualities that we seek in others. Authentic people are generally really fun to be around and easy to read. They tend to be less stressed and more satisfied. They do not trigger red flags like the inauthentic.

Authenticity is basically the opposite of being a liar, a fake or a fraud. It's being yourself, being honest, being who you truly are. According to psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener, you can increase your authenticity quotient.

So let's look at how you know if you are being authentic and how to work on being more authentic, while avoiding the trap of overplaying your authenticity. 

1. Talk the talk. Say what you really think. Honor your values, beliefs and ideals above people pleasing and despite possibly making a few waves. If you believe it's important to reduce your carbon footprint, say so.  Read more here...

Relieve Your Stress And Become A Better Mother

As the stress mounts post-divorce, parenting is an area where it can really take a toll.

I'm quoted in a post about ways to reduce your stress for better parenting.

You can read it here...

Stress Turns Out To Be Good For You! 3 Strategies You Need To Follow

As many of us view our divorce as something akin to a train wreck, there's no shortage of stress.

But the good news is that you just need to figure out how to put your stress to work for you. I recently wrote about it in a post that starts like this:

It's common knowledge that, repeated over time, stress leads to problems with health, performance and wellbeing, including illness, missed days from work, depression, aggression and relationship problems.

If you're like most people, your mindset is geared toward getting rid of the stress or avoiding the problem. Who can blame us? Nobody likes that that sick-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach fight or flight feeling. Our response is usually denial (I'm fine!), anger (Why me!) or overwhelm (I can't handle this!).

But, oddly, recent research has shown that stress actually heightens awareness, speeds up thinking, improves performance and leads many to say, "I'm great in a crisis." It's why my clients suffering with anxiety tell me their worry helps them anticipate problems and envision potential solutions. It's how I know that adults who have faced hardships early in life can have tremendous reserves of strength to face current difficulties and often a greater appreciation for the gifts life has given them.

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Need A Boost Of Confidence? First, Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

We all need more confidence post-divorce, and the mental and physical strength to cope with stress. This article looks at developing the skills to face adversity. It begins...

Why enter a road race? If I say, Because it's fun, I can hear the groans already. Another reason I do it is because it's out of my comfort zone. I've been running a long time and running on my own is easy. But entering a race, sitting in my hotel room alone the night before, checking my gear for the nth time, wondering just how much colder the wind will make it feel, anxiously trying to sleep and then waking up early, with nervous anticipation, sometimes I really wonder why I do it.

I've decided it's all about getting out of my comfort zone and becoming stronger—not just physically stronger, but mentally stronger. Here's how it works:

The Positive Mindset

As Olympic runner Jeff Galloway said, "The more you frame the marathon as a stressful experience, the more negative messages you will receive." Sitting in my hotel room I sometimes have a negative mindset, worrying about the potential problems and pitfalls of the next day's race. To shake that, I remind myself of how I'll feel walking toward the starting line with fellow-runners, talking about last year's race, those we've run recently and upcoming events, and my positive mindset kicks in. 

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Virtual Group: Move into Post-Divorce Life…Enjoy the Journey

It's holiday time. Negotiating the challenges of post-divorce life is a unique and personal experience.  If you need a little support and a little push after your break-up, this group is for you!  My virtual group travels the common, and uncommon, roads that we encounter post-divorce. Virtual groups are conducted by phone. You can be anywhere.

This 4-session virtual group will help you address the challenges of moving on from a long-term relationship by:

* Establishing a positive post-divorce mindset

* Using personal strengths to move forward

* Learning to enjoy the journey by working toward new goals

Using the tools of coaching, the group will help you discover strategies to effectively negotiate new terrain in your unique journey.

My holiday gift, your first call is free!

Contact me for more information.

Read about post-divorce adjustment here:

What Can You Do About Toxic Connections With Your Ex?

6 Lessons Yoga Taught Me About Divorce

My Top 10 Post-Divorce Lessons

No More Damsels In Distress Post-Divorce

Music for the post-divorce journey: I Look So Good Without You, Jessie James

No More Damsels In Distress Post-Divorce

I couldn't find a better post-divorce survivor if I tried, than Sigourney Weaver in Political Animals.  As Weaver said in an interview Friday, "When I look around the world, I don't really see too many damsels in distress." As Elaine Barrish, Weaver is strong, determined, intelligent and competent. So of course Barrish is called cold and calculating by some.

No one exits a marriage sans angst, but what are the successful ingredients in a relatively distress-free post-divorce adjustment? These are my suggestions for damage-control:

Take yourself seriously. Whether it's as a parent, at work or in a new pursuit, whatever it may be, what you're doing is the most important thing you've ever done in your life. Make it real. When you're busy taking yourself seriously, there's not much room for negativity.

Focus on what you're doing. What you're doing deserves your complete attention. The class you've started, the meal you're cooking, the work you're doing, they're all worthy of your focus. While taking care of business, you don't have time to wallow.

Try new stuff. Consider something different.  I doesn't matter if it's yoga, speed-dating, a triathlon or an art class. Shifting some of your time and attention to mastering something new is a good challenge. It creates positive energy and optimism.

Keep busy. Forget about taking time to process.  You'll process enough. Keep yourself scheduled and doing things. Think about the people and things you want in your life, and make space for them.

Be authentic. Let your thoughts, words and deed reflect the things you truly believe in. You may have to figure out what you believe in, since divorce does have a nasty way of shaking up all our beliefs. But these are good things to spend time thinking about. What do I really want, need believe?

Practice stress management. You can cultivate the non-judging, patience and acceptance of mindfulness, increase or change your exercise, make more time for friends or spend more time with nature. Think about what decreases your stress and do more of it.

As Barrish said, "You'll never get to the next great moment if you don't keep going." If you'll forgive the mixing of media, be a Ripley. Be the last survivor.

Survivor, Destiny's Child

Life Balance Post-Divorce

I’ve been writing about work-life balance, something I’ve written about before.  It occurred to me that the topic was relevant to post-divorce in a few novel ways.

First, you’re going it alone, where previously you were a couple.  It’s not necessarily a problem, but it’s different.  I find this a most interesting area.  As a couple, you must place some your desires secondary to the well-being of the couple.  If you didn’t, perhaps this has something to do with why you’re divorced.  If you did, here’s your chance to put you first.  I don’t mean to the exclusion of others in your life, but you simply don’t have that other person whose desires get equal weight.    I’m very happy when people find it possible to prioritize new or dormant interests as a result of singledom.

Second, you’re juggling new things, things you may not have been concerned with before, like dating or spending more time with friends.  This might include, less fun though, more childcare juggling or household responsibility juggling.  You can’t make more time, but you can make the time more meaningful with mindful awareness.  Engaging, focusing and connecting when engaged in various activities makes each one more meaningful.

Third, you may be doing more stress-management for the obvious reasons, necessitating even more time-management.  Managing your stress is important for a variety of reasons including your happiness and that of those around you at work and at home.  Planning is key here.  You must schedule decompression activities, whatever they may be.  Whether it’s walking, reading, puzzling or making music, and the list is endless, you have to include some fun and relaxation in your schedule.

 Sometimes it seems overwhelming, but it can be done.  Prioritizing, mindful awareness and planning all help reduce the overwhelm.