12 Coping Skills You've Discovered In The Last Year That Can Sustain You For Life

Divorce is its own kind of trauma. Any new coping skills you've picked up to help you cope with COVID will also be helpful in dealing with your personal crisis. This is the start of a piece I wrote about the skills you may have discovered...

There is considerable research in psychology to suggest that after a trauma we can come back stronger than before. We can become more resilient. 

Tragedy can prompt the development of new coping skills.

This can be the case with the Coronavirus pandemic. The difficult times called for new habits in order to keep yourself, your family, and your mental health safe.

Have you developed any new and positive habits during Covid? You can decide to keep these new behaviors as you move through 2021 and beyond.

The virus didn't vanish on January 1^st, but we're edging closer, so deciding on your intentions post-pandemic will help you maintain those healthy routines.

Here are 12 examples of some coping skills you may have developed and should definitely keep doing.

1. You exercise and go outside more.

A combination of not having much to do and wanting to get out of the house yielded a huge crop of new walkers, runners, and cyclists.

Like the seesaw diet, it could be a situation where once things return to their new normal, you ditch your new habits. It doesn't have to be that way.

Keep reading here...

What To Do About The Agony Of ‘Adulting’ (At Any Age)

So you're divorced. Maybe this is the first time you've had to take on some of the tasks of "adulting" solo. Here's my piece about why it's difficult, and how to make it easier.

I’ve been hearing about “adulting” from many of my clients, as in, “I spent all morning at the bank, getting the car washed, and taking my mother’s emotional support animal to the vet…#adulting.”

When I saw the headline in my Sunday paper, “Learning to ‘Adult,” I realized “adulting” wasn’t just a passing linguistic hiccup. One of the local colleges is running a series of talks called “#Adulting.”

Some have complained about the term. They find it sexist, which hardly seems apt, since men use it too. They find it gross, but I find it ironically self-reflective. Like making blonde jokes when you’re blonde, it shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. 

Read more here...

10 Ways To More Effectively Harness The Inspiring Energy Of Your Favorite Self-Help Books

Now that you're post-divorce, you're probably thinking about all the ways you'd like to change your life. You can do it now without anyone to hold you back. Except yourself. Here are some tips for making the changes you desire.

You’re psyched. You scoured the latest self-help books and found the perfect one for you, one with a title along the lines of Six Simple Steps to Your Perfect Body, complete with a companion diary outlining each of the six steps.

Or perhaps the title is more like Change Your Attitude, Change Your Relationships, partnered with an accompanying workbook.

Or perhaps your passion this week led you to a book like The Idiot's Guide to Finding the Perfect Job, with a pocket manual for creating a career that will bring you joy.

You’re like the 78% of people between the ages of 18-70 who "say they want to change a fundamental aspect of themselves", and so you're reading a chapter a day in your eagerness to progress toward your goals for personal growth.

The books are right there on your bedside table so you won't forget to visit them daily.

And yet, you’re not losing weight, your attitude hasn't changed, and you still have no idea how to find your dream job.

Read more...

10 Happy Reminders Of Why Divorce Is Sometimes A Beautiful Thing

My teenage son bought me a Kavu bag for my birthday to complete my "hippie look." It was the perfect gift given only by someone who really gets you. I thought about how strong our relationship has become. 

Similar to many post-divorce occurrences, it's not that it couldn't have happened when I was married, it's just that it counts as one of many happy results emerging from an unhappy situation.

These are 10 lessons I learned from those happy results of life after divorce: 

1. I can be closer to my child. I'm not saying you can't be married and close to your children. But often there seems to be a unique bond between the divorced and their children. Not having to divide attention between spouse and child accounts for some of it. 

Maybe the rest comes from having to live together through difficult times. I'm grateful for that closeness and work hard to cultivate it.

Continue reading here...

 

7 Ways To Banish Post-Divorce Summer Blues

Summer is upon us and for many, I fear, there is longing for summers past. I know what it can be like to face weeks without a fun vacation in sight or the hope of a romantic sunset on the horizon. Those summers from the years of so-called marital bliss seem so sweet by comparison. Misty watercolor memories of the way we were, or thought we were, rear their ugly heads.

 
Ten years post-divorce, happily, it's been a long time since I felt the summer blues. Still, I have to admit there is a bit of a sting to the fact that I will not be renting that beach house this summer. You know, the one my ex is going to rent. It took a minute, but I'm over it.

Perhaps you can't afford the time or money for your dream-vacation this summer. Ten years post-divorce I'm pleased to report that my experience, not to mention the vast happiness literature, confirms that glitzy vacations (and beach houses) are a bit like that fantastic car or necklace you simply have to have…surefire ways not to create happiness.

Read more here...

Check out my new book, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide. Tools for your Journey! 

Post-Divorce Growth…After They Go, Grow

A run has never returned me exactly the same. I go, I grow. Kristin Armstrong, Runner’sWorld.com

This quote was my inspiration for revising my thinking about before and after. “Before,” as in before one of the partners goes, and “after,” as in after they go, or post-divorce. The “before” is often a rose-colored view of the way we were. It’s like when someone with whom you had a terribly conflicted relationship dies, and you remember only the good times. It’s nice, but unrealistic. I’m not suggesting you dwell on the “before” negatives.  But when it comes to post-divorce, I hear a lot of negatives about the “after.”

Making “after” a growth experience is the tricky part post-divorce.  After a run it’s easy.  You are more energized, calm, centered, de-stressed, confident or happy.  Consider how this can be the case after they go.

My suggestions are:

·         Identify one thing that’s better now, like having the whole bed to yourself or being criticized less often.

·         Name something you can do now that you couldn’t do before, like spend more time with your best friend.

·         What’s one thing you can do now without having to consult with anyone (e.g., deciding what to have for dinner, which movie to watch, where to go on vacation)?

·        How are you more self-reliant than you were before (e.g., you too can figure out how to change a fluorescent fixture and get a bat out of your garage)?

·        How are you better than you were before? Maybe you’re less worried and anxious and more fun to be around.

It’s true; before and after are very different, and not always in a good way.  See if you can identify the positive changes you’ve already made.  Think about the changes you’d like to make right now.  And remember, after they go, you grow.

Forgive me for repeating this song.  The Way We Were, Barbra Streisand

Post-Divorce Itch

How would you describe an itch, specifically, your post-divorce itch?  It may be a combination of pain, anger and hurt, with some other emotions tossed in.  Perhaps there’s relief with a dose of guilt.  It may have happened a week ago, or maybe 5 years ago.  The itch can still be there.

Uncomfortable emotions are like an itch we feel we must scratch.  It’s hard to ignore an itch.  The irony about an itch is, the more you scratch, the more it itches.  What we really want to do is learn to live with the discomfort post-divorce, and learn from it.  Like the itch from a bite, the more you let it be, the quicker it heals.

PemaChödrön says, scratching is our habitual way of trying to get away, trying to escape our fundamental discomfort, the fundamental itch of restlessness and insecurity, or that very uneasy feeling: that feeling that something bad is about to happen.

Newness and change often bring that feeling of impending doom and the dread that goes along with it.  Again, Pema Chödrön:

By learning to stay, we become very familiar with this place, and gradually, gradually, it loses its threat… abiding with the uneasy, disquieting sensation of nowhere-to-run [we find] that—guess what?—we don’t die; we don’t collapse.  In fact, we feel profound relief and freedom.

The best part of change is in the opportunities it presents.  Once you are able to life with the discomfort, and you haven’t died or gone crazy, what now?  That’s the fun part.  How would you like to create the rest of your life?

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

TheScientist, Coldplay

Want to Make Changes Post-Divorce? What’s Your Type?

This is another of those “borrowed” ideas from running.  Specifically, Greg McMillan has a great piece in Running Times (it’ll be on-line soon) about the different types of runners that turn up for the high school season.  I’m thinking about how we turn up for the post-divorce period.

Type 1 has pride.  I’m divorced and proud of it, you might say.  Okay, maybe not proud, but not ashamed either.  Type 1 is going to approach post-divorce with the same energy and enthusiasm with which they approach other things in life.  This is a problem, and I’m gonna solve it.  Type 1s think, plan and make things happen.  Good for you if you fit this bill.  Just keep doing what you’re doing.  You’re flourishing.

Type 2 is in discovery.  I’m divorced, and it seems like I can cope with this thing.  Type 2s are going to give it their best shot, even though they’re not exactly relishing the opportunity.  Type 2s arrive in college or a job and didn’t realize what a challenge it would be, but they find themselves rising up to it.  Type 2s have a lot of enthusiasm, they’re not seasoned fighters and can get hurt or blocked.  Type 2s just need a little push and support.  If you’re a Type 2, make sure you’re getting the support you need.

Type 3 is dealing with a necessary evil.  I’m divorced, it sucks, and I guess I’ll do what I have to, to get through.  Type 3s spend a lot of time complaining about their situation and very little time considering concrete plans to improve it.  Type 3s say I don’t know, a lot, have no clear goals and little thought that getting through this is going to be mostly up to them.  They have the ability, but they don’t know it.  If you’re a Type 3, you can do this yourself by trying to do some problem solving, getting the support you need or developing a more optimistic attitude.

Type 4 is participating, but not flourishing.  I’m divorced so I guess it’s time to party.  Type 4s have the ability and the will to cope as needed, but aren’t giving 110% to making the post-divorce period the best time of their life.  The Type 4 isn’t complaining, but is just coasting, having some fun, not planning for the future.   Divorce is a major life change (I know, duh) but that means it’s one of those proverbial opportunities to grow and take charge of your life in a big way.

What’s your type?  Look at how you’ve approached other new and difficult situations.  Your response to divorce will probably be much the same.  You can decide if you want to move from your Type 4 to a Type 1, or from your Type 2 to a Type 1.  Since it’s not the cross country team, you don’t get to quit.  You’ve got to try to get yourself into shape and win this thing. 

Who are you? The Who.

Post-Divorce Mindset: Failure or Renewal?

It’s autumn and the leaves are changing. They’re beautiful, and though we know they’re dying, we don’t see it as a failure. It’s a process of readying for winter followed by renewal in the spring. We love the changes.

What does this have to do with divorce? If we can think of the post-divorce period as a process, then we might talk about a failed marriage, then a process of change followed by renewal. It’s when we have the mindset, I’m a failure because of my divorce, that we get into trouble. Thinking of yourself as a failure obviously leaves little room for change. Thinking of yourself as a person who was in a bad marriage, and is now recovering from that experience and moving toward growth and renewal, is infinitely more helpful.

*Becoming is better than being. So said someone and I have to agree. Now that you’re single, what would you like to become? Think of three things you’d like to become at this point in your life. For example, become a yogi/yogini, become an accomplished cook, or become a better parent. Better yet, become all three.

*One man or woman’s meat is another’s poison. I’ll have to agree with that one as well. You’ll meet or have already met many who identify their divorce as the turning point in their lives after which all else went to the dogs. You’ll meet many more who identify their divorce as the turning point after which all else (relatively speaking) was dog heaven. And here’s the secret: meat or poison, heaven or hell, it’s completely up to you. You make it what you want based on how you think about it. If you think creatively and positively about how you’re going to flourish, like the trees come springtime, you’ve got it covered.

*You are what you think. I definitely agree with this one. You are not a failure, you are not just a divorced person, you are a survivor. And you are about to create your own destiny. This is a growth opportunity, as are most tragedies. Athletes with a “growth mindset” learn from their losses and misses to become better players. People with growth mindsets know they can do anything they set their minds to, regardless of what they’ve been through. So figure out how you’d like to grow.

Change how you think of yourself and your experiences to make the post-divorce experience one of renewal and not failure. Spring is just around the corner.

Just for fun:  Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone

Post-Divorce Growth

Did you know there’s an area of research about posttraumatic growth? It focuses on how people make positive changes after trauma. I’m not saying getting a divorce is like being in a train wreck…okay, I am saying getting a divorce is like being in a train wreck. Hence the applicability of the posttraumatic growth literature.

I see many people who display just the sort of changes reflected in this area of research, post-divorce, including:

Increased ability to see possibilities in things. Many develop new interests that either were actively thwarted by the former spouse or simply not supported. Necessity being the mother of invention, sometimes the need to earn more or change the work schedule enables people to create more meaningful and satisfying lives.

Positive changes relating to others. I often see people putting more effort into relationships, accepting that they need people (you know, people who need people are the luckiest people).

Changes in personal strengths. Seeing the self as stronger is a common side-effect of divorce. You do what you gotta do, and perhaps never realized before that you could.

Changes in spirituality. I see a lot of personal growth. Leaving a significant relationship may start a search for meaning or a desire to become more accepting of the curve balls life throws our ways.

Maybe having a new appreciation of the value of one’s life, as real train wreck survivors are likely to have, is not a typical byproduct of divorce. Then again, we don’t have to worry about survivor guilt, do we?

Just for fun, you can take the Post traumatic Growth Inventory.

Now that I've used the line, the only song that comes to mind is People, Barbra Streisand.