Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Do You Have A Dark Passenger?

I know you're dealing with a lot-post-divorce. It is, however, an opportunity to take stock. Do you have a dark passenger? Sometimes it's our dark passenger that's "responsible" for our relationship problems. This post originally appeared in YourTango and it might be useful for your divorce recovery...

Late to the Dexter party, it was only this year that I inhaled all eight seasons after a free Showtime offer landed in my inbox. I started with a few episodes, the gateway to a full-blown addiction. 

Dexter's dark passenger was part of my fascination. What is a dark passenger exactly? Is it a secret, or more like a drive, or perhaps a secret drive? Does everyone have one lurking? Do I? More importantly—do you? 

For a long time I believe my nicotine addiction was my dark passenger. "It" made me sneak around and lie, things I would not normally do. When I was young and couldn't always afford to buy smokes, "it" made me steal cigarettes from an unsuspecting aunt's purse or money from my mother because she had no cigarettes to steal. 

The dark passenger changes you into a person even you don't quite know: liar, cheater, sneak, impostor, pretender. 


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Are You A Mama's Boy (Or Girl)?

Is being married to a mama's boy or girl one of the issues in your divorce? Or are you one yourself?

We've all heard the stories about millennials being so close with family they take their moms with them on job interviews. My immediate reaction was that we are witnessing a generation of  mama's boys and girls. Yes, I said girls. Woman can suffer from the same overinvolved, enmeshed relationships with their mothers that guys do. 

Mama's boy has a pejorative ring, like Don Juan or gold digger, for good reason. I've said, in these pages, If you want a baby to take care of, then have a baby, don't marry one. As we approach mother's day, consider that your mother might prefer a grown up son…or daughter. 

Typically, sometime during or after adolescence, you psychologically separate from your parents. You become a unique individual with your own set of ideas, beliefs and morals. You establish adult relationships with your parents. If you didn't have secrets before, you definitely have them now.
Mama's boys and girls do not manage the separation and individuation well. They remain attached in ways that can suffocate new relationships. Sometimes the problem behaviors are couched in religious, ethnic or regional cloaks, like, you must always respect your parents, or, your elders are always right.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Get Out of the Post-Divorce Doldrums…It's Spring!

Spring is a great time for renewal, reinvigoration and reinvention. It's a time to leave the post-divorce doldrums behind. 

You can get stuck in the doldrums after any period of stress like divorce, maybe even anytime after you hit the big 5-0. An area near the equator, the doldrums are famous for diabolical transitions from calm to squalls, with, by one definition, "light, baffling winds." The doldrums can keep a ship stuck. If this sounds like your life, you're not alone. 

As any life coach will tell you, anytime is a good time to move forward in your life. With the sun shining a little more and life returning all around us, spring is a really good time to seriously consider taking a few steps to leave the doldrums behind and start smelling the flowers again. 

Change is different for everyone. Some of my suggestions may float your boat, others may not. Both will trigger thoughts of things you might like to try. To see big changes in your life, you can start by trying something new.