Before Offering Advice To Adult Children Consider This One Question

 

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Now that you're divorced and parenting on your own, here are some tips for dealing with grown children.

When I decided to marry at the ripe old age of 19, I did not seek my parents’ advice. They thought it was a terrible idea (spoiler alert: they were right) but they did not let on. Had they, I would not have listened. And I would have been angry. I knew what I was doing.

At a certain age, we all become experts. We have advice for friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and, of course, our adult children. Whether married, divorced, remarried or never-married, we believe we know what everyone else should do on these matters, and myriad others, from work, to end-of-life choices.

Do we have a crystal ball in which we can see the future? I think not. Do we believe we’re right? Yes, we do. Are we right? That’s open to debate. 

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How To Deal With Older Children's Bad Decisions (Without Pushing Them Away)

As a divorced mom, I know some of the particular challenges of coping with your children faced by the single-parent.

Here's my latest on some issues we all have to deal with.

Slim, pretty, equipped with her Prada bag, my son's girlfriend was in my home for a grand total of twenty-four hours. Shortly before the day ended, she informed my son she did not feel "comfortable" in my house...

I was terrified by recent research suggesting mothers are more likely to be estranged from their children than fathers and that it is more common than you think. One in 10 families studied had an estranged child. Another study concluded that feeling like a parent is constantly about to reject you for your choices creates enough emotional turmoil to threaten the relationship.

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Relieve Your Stress And Become A Better Mother

As the stress mounts post-divorce, parenting is an area where it can really take a toll.

I'm quoted in a post about ways to reduce your stress for better parenting.

You can read it here...

Got Kids? Don't Overreact To Your Ex's Dating Choices

You may like Gwyneth Paltrow as a lifestyle guru, or not, but don't choose her as your post-divorce model. If the report that she's trying to keep Chris from having their kids around his new, younger gf, or even mentioning J. Law's name around them is true, at best, it's silly. Not that I blame her for wanting to control her children's exposure to new relationships, but this sort of micromanaging is unwarranted.

These are the reasons to relinquish control over your ex's relationships post-divorce: 

1.  The Person. Unless a person is dangerous or clearly a bad influence—they come around your kids drunk, high or advocating illegal activities—you're going to have to step aside. While you would hope your ex exercises good judgment, their judgment will probably be about the same as it was when you were married, for better or for worse.

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Dating and Your Kids: Be Smart

Of course you’re going to date.  Sometime.  The question of how to deal with the kids is common.  As usual in psychological matters, there are not hard and fast rules.  Every family is different.  Each relationship has its own challenges.

Be smart and think things through.  My suggestions for things to consider:

1.  What they need from you is going to be highly specific to your children, their ages, their maturity level, and how much they’re hurting.

2.  Consider your emotional resources.  New relationships are demanding.  Kids come first.  After the kids, your job and other people in your life, how much do you have left for new relationships?  Plan accordingly.

3.  Look for red flags in new relationship.  You know, the things that give you that oh no feeling, that trigger concerns, that you try to overlook because you feel needy.  With kids it’s especially important to pay attention to listen to your intuition and make decisions about new people accordingly.

4.  Everyone knows not to introduce children to new relationships too early.  There’s no point in allowing them to get attached when it’s not something you’re sure about.  There’s no point to have a revolving door of dates that your children consider as potential step-parents.  Of course, there are no guarantees, so you have to take a chance at some point.

5.  Be honest.  Don’t tell your kids that someone’s just a friend if they’re not.  Kids are smart.  Like adults, when they’re lied to, they have trouble trusting.  This doesn’t mean providing too much information when it’s not asked for.  But if asked, be honest and tell the truth.

6.  What if your kids reject your new person?  This is a highly individual decision as well.  Some people will not pursue a relationship if the kids are uncomfortable with it (see the movie Cyrus for an amusing, entertaining and extreme example).  You have to decide if your kids are being reasonable (perhaps picking up on one of the red flags you’re ignoring), or if they’re just not ready.  And if they’re not ready, then what?  You decide.  Taking it slower, limiting “family time” with the new person or ending the relationship are all possibilities.

There’s a lot to think about.  Being smart, or we might say, intentional, and being honest are my best recommendations.  And, of course, having fun is very important!