What Makes A Marriage Work Long-Term?

 

Ready to get back out into dating and relating? 

In "25 Experts Explain What Choices Make A Marriage Actually Work Long-Term," you'll find suggestions for making your new relationship be the best it can be. My recommendation is:

Always make new memories. Communicate, compromise and connect. 

Talking and listening lead to essential compromise on the changes that inevitably occur as the years go by. 

Connect by doing things together, creating new memories, and you keep things fresh!

Read more here...

8 Ways To Figure Out If Your Partner Is 'The One' Based On Marie Kondo's 'KonMari' Method

So you're dating. Great! Now you're having to answer the proverbial questions about whether or not he's 'the one.'

This article helps you ask the right questions. It starts like this:

If you're a Marie Kondo fan, then you know her KonMari method for decluttering your life is amazing and starts with a simple question: "Does this spark joy?"

But the Marie Kondo method for how to declutter is amazing when applied to other areas of your life too, like love and relationships. Yes, there is a way to use KonMari to declutter your mind and reorganize your thoughts when it comes down to finding out if your partner is really "the one."

"Does it spark joy?" might also be the perfect relationship question. Can you look at your partner — the person you fell in love with — and answer yes when asking yourself, “Does he spark joy?” 

Read more here to see how her method can be used to explore your relationship.

Life Coach Notes, Newsletter, Summer 2019

I'm sure you'll find some useful tips for moving forward post-divorce.

Click here to see my Summer, 2019 Newsletter, with recent articles about health and wellness, relationships and making meaningful changes in your life. Read it here. 

5 Ways The Narcissist In Your Life Turns Himself Into A Victim

Looking back on your relationship post-divorce, you may be wondering whether you were married to a narcissist. This piece gives you some clues.

When a man is a narcissist, he'll do anything to come out on top. Even if it means willingly playing the victim by using a defensive manipulation technique called "DARVO" — something Brett Kavanaugh recently did during his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.

What is DARVO?

Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, coined this acronym to describe one typical "reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior."

"DARVO," she explains, "stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender," the pattern through which an abuser seamlessly shifts focus away from their own behavior to that of their accuser.

Read more here...

This Personality Test Reveals If Being 'Nice' Is Your Greatest Strength Or Weakness In Relationships

Sometimes after a divorce, you try to be all things to all people. You may feel like you have to do more to have friends, go out of your way to be accommodating in new relationships, and maybe you were always like that. This piece is about the curse of being "too nice," to the detriment of your goals and needs.

If you're the kind of the person who's always being accused of being "too nice", a simple personality test can let you know whether or not what they're telling you is the truth. 

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

Continue reading here...

The Value of Bromances and 3 Ways to Build Them

There are have been a lot of famous bromances throughout history. Explorers Lewis and Clark. Presidents Adams and Jefferson. Authors J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. President Obama and VP Biden. And, of course, a bromance for the ages: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

 But don’t laugh at or make light of the bromance! Because research shows that relationships — friendships included —  are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Yes, your (or your man’s) bromance might just help him live longer!

That’s because loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress.

According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common.

But we may not teach boys and men how to be good friends.

We expect our friends to be available for activities, to reach out to us and to stay in touch, and I’m sorry to say that men are often not so good with reaching out and staying in touch — behaviors that nurture relationships.

Read more here...

3 Ways To Build A Super Strong Bromance (Because Guys Need Friends, Too!)

One of the things that's really helpful post-divorce is your friends. If you're like many guys, you may have neglected friendships, so here's my take on building them back up...

There are have been a lot of famous bromances throughout history. Explorers Lewis and Clark. Presidents Adams and Jefferson. Authors J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. President Obama and VP Biden. And, of course, a bromance for the ages: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

But don't laugh at or make light of the bromance! Because research shows that relationships — friendships included —  are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Yes, your (or your man's) bromance might just help him live longer!

That's because loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress.

According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common.

But we may not teach boys and men how to be good friends. 

Read more here…

4 Marriage-Material Qualities To ALWAYS Look For (And 4 To Ignore)

So when you start looking for that new guy, consider this.

As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners for relationships that are likely to make us happy.

My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things to look for in a guy, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, and many more.

You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment.

Read more here... 

The Top 3 Relationship Killers

So you're back in the dating scene and want to be more mindful in your next relationship. Here are 62 experts weighing in on what not to do.

Read it here and scroll down to find mine...

Why Finding Your Soul Mate Is Not Just About Getting Lucky

When you're ready to get back into the dating scene, you'll need to know the things I talk about in this piece.

One of my pet peeves is peopling telling me they're just "unlucky," as an explanation for why they don't have a great job, don't live in an exciting city or aren't in a fulfilling relationship. Really? 

Even in poker, while there's luck involved, there's also skill and the work of honing that skill. When it comes to being discovered as an actor, or getting that coveted job at an amazing law firm, there's always the luck of being in the right place at the right time, but you're not getting the job without skill and hard work as well.

Read more here...

 

Spring, 2016 Newsletter

Click here to see my Spring, 2016 Newsletter, with my recent posts and others I've enjoyed on health and wellness, relationships, dating and post-divorce adjustment. And there's news about my new office. Read it here…

For the next 5 days my book, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide. Tools for Your Journey, is available FREE.

4 Qualities To Say "Yes" To In A Partner

So it's time to date and seek the new love of your life. This post provides a few suggestions about what you need to look for.


As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners likely to make us happy.

My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things they seek in their next mate, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, etc.  You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment. And it follows that the not-so-handsome mate who is very understanding will bring us more happiness.

The traits that reflect our deepest, intrinsic desires are most important in guaranteeing satisfaction with our partner. 

What we really need are:  

1. Warmth. This person desires intimacy with you. Read more here...

 

Relationship Advice For Men: 62 Tips From 62 Experts

So now that you're divorced, you're considering dating or you're already dating.

From EliteManMagazine, read all 62 really helpful tips, including a few from yours truly.

The article starts like this:

Guys are often left shaking their heads in pure bewilderment when it comes to different aspects of their relationship.  Their wives, girlfriends, or partners of some sort or another, just seem to constantly throw curveball after curveball at them, and their left wondering what to do.


Without giving up on their loved ones, they fight back; but this often leads to more stress and even more relationship imbalance. 

You see men aren’t schooled in this department of life.

Read the rest here... 

9 Important Steps To Avoid Becoming A Tech DINOSAUR

So you're divorced, or about to be. Maybe you're 50ish, give or take. If you've shunned technology before, communicating with friends, potential lovers and dating all demand that you move into the 21st century. Here's what I wrote about embracing the new technology:

When I went to college I felt estranged from my parents.

The only way we could communicate was with a landline, which I had to stand in line to use. Now I can shoot texts back and forth with my son, with links to interesting news bits, YouTube videos or music, and pictures of the cats doing dumb things while looking cute.

I get that you want to do things your own way, perhaps what you consider the "right" way. I completely understand. But there are some anachronisms in the 21^st century that are just plain annoying, even to a dinosaur like me. Making them will affect your relationships, dating and work life, and prevent effective communication.

Pretty please heed my advice and avoid these nine 21^st century faux pas:

1. Don't Leave Voicemail Messages

If you don't know this by now, here's the thing: No one under 35 listens to them. And if you do get a call back, don't expect the person to know what your message said because, and I hate to be redundant, no one listens to voicemail.

Read more here...