Stress Turns Out To Be Good For You! 3 Strategies You Need To Follow

As many of us view our divorce as something akin to a train wreck, there's no shortage of stress.

But the good news is that you just need to figure out how to put your stress to work for you. I recently wrote about it in a post that starts like this:

It's common knowledge that, repeated over time, stress leads to problems with health, performance and wellbeing, including illness, missed days from work, depression, aggression and relationship problems.

If you're like most people, your mindset is geared toward getting rid of the stress or avoiding the problem. Who can blame us? Nobody likes that that sick-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach fight or flight feeling. Our response is usually denial (I'm fine!), anger (Why me!) or overwhelm (I can't handle this!).

But, oddly, recent research has shown that stress actually heightens awareness, speeds up thinking, improves performance and leads many to say, "I'm great in a crisis." It's why my clients suffering with anxiety tell me their worry helps them anticipate problems and envision potential solutions. It's how I know that adults who have faced hardships early in life can have tremendous reserves of strength to face current difficulties and often a greater appreciation for the gifts life has given them.

Read more here...

Need A Boost Of Confidence? First, Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

We all need more confidence post-divorce, and the mental and physical strength to cope with stress. This article looks at developing the skills to face adversity. It begins...

Why enter a road race? If I say, Because it's fun, I can hear the groans already. Another reason I do it is because it's out of my comfort zone. I've been running a long time and running on my own is easy. But entering a race, sitting in my hotel room alone the night before, checking my gear for the nth time, wondering just how much colder the wind will make it feel, anxiously trying to sleep and then waking up early, with nervous anticipation, sometimes I really wonder why I do it.

I've decided it's all about getting out of my comfort zone and becoming stronger—not just physically stronger, but mentally stronger. Here's how it works:

The Positive Mindset

As Olympic runner Jeff Galloway said, "The more you frame the marathon as a stressful experience, the more negative messages you will receive." Sitting in my hotel room I sometimes have a negative mindset, worrying about the potential problems and pitfalls of the next day's race. To shake that, I remind myself of how I'll feel walking toward the starting line with fellow-runners, talking about last year's race, those we've run recently and upcoming events, and my positive mindset kicks in. 

Read more here... 

The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

I am excited to announce the publication of my new eBook, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide.Tools For Your Journey. It is available  on Amazon .

With tips and steps to escape negative thinking, emotional impasses and behavioral stagnation, the book will help you negotiate the treacherous terrain of post-divorce life. Lightened up with a heavy dose of humor, I draw on the positive psychology literature with concrete suggestions to pro-actively manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce. 

I call on my personal experience with divorce, and years of work with clients going through this devastating life experience, to show you how you can emerge even better than you were before. The book addresses three tasks of post-divorce adjustment. The first is "Acceptance," identifying the reasons for the divorce and viewing them in an empowering way. The second, "Coping," provides help dealing with the often unexpected consequences associated with divorce. "Becoming," the final section, encourages you to aspire to be your best self and view your divorce as an opportunity to flourish. 

There are chapters on developing a positive mindset, identifying and using signature strengths, developing more optimism, setting and reaching goals, becoming happier and cultivating mindfulness. There are also chapters devoted to practical aspects of post-divorce adjustment including acceptance, emotional reactions, coping with your ex and dealing with issues like holidays and vacations, relationships with friends and relatives and dating.

I hope you find it useful and enjoy it. I'd love to hear your comments. 

How To Know You're Ready To Date After A Divorce

One of the things virtually every client going through a divorce tells me is they can't imagine dating. They're not ready to even think about dating. It's not on their radar. It's the last thing on their minds. This thinking often continues post-divorce.

I know you're hurt, you're uncertain, and the marriage has been a bad experience in one way or another. Maybe it's been a terrible experience. The thing is, you once made the decision to marry which tells me you're most likely a couples kind of person. You like being in a relationship. You like being close. I'm in no way suggesting you must date, get in another intimate relationship or get married. I'm simply suggesting you entertain the possibility of dating.

How will you know when you're ready? Read more here…

Get information and reviews about dating sites here…

Secret Destinations Post-divorce

All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. Martin Buber

Starting a new year post-divorce can be trying, but what a great quote to start with. I see it as a way of reflecting on how we never quite know what we’ll encounter in our journey. Most of us don’t expect to get divorced, so the divorce is certainly a secret destination, but so is everything that comes after that day.

When I consider all that I’ve done in the seven years since my divorce, it’s quite astounding. And no, I have not developed more modesty. A runner for many years, I was inspired to run my first 10K and have run it 3 more times since then. Running races was never something on my radar, so it turned out to be a secret destination. Also ran my first 5K and have run that one a few more times. A psychologist for many years, I studied life coaching and attained my certification which was a destination I’d never planned. Although I’m an avid fitness person, I’ve become a serious student of yoga, which was something entirely new to me. No doubt as a result of all this fitness, I got my first massage and have joyfully had many since, another secret destination.

What it striking to me when I look at my life and the lives of others, is that we frame our journeys and the many secret destinations we visit along the way, with our particular mindset. For me, the post-divorce years are joyous, free and invigorating. Sure there’s been angst and pain; it happens to everyone for various reasons. But I choose not to frame my journey in those terms. I’ve accomplished a lot of things, and they probably have less to do with being divorced and more to do with filling the 7 years of this journey with a lot of travel, hence many secret destinations. I have many clients and friends who view their post-divorce secret destinations with the same kind of pleasure and acceptance. Then there are others for whom everything post-divorce is less than, not as good as or otherwise deficient; they do not brag about their secret destinations. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We all have secret destinations, and it’s wise to learn to accept the ones that are difficult, and be sure to arrive at others that are exciting and fun.

I can’t help it, but the song that comes to mind is It Happens, Sugarland. So shoot me for mixing Buber and C&W.

Post-Divorce Dating

I'm about to publish an Ezine article about post-divorce dating, so I'm giving a sneak preview here.  The focus is using a different mindset when you consider the perils of dating.

 

I'm encouraging the growth mindset.  Doesn't that sound all grown up and adult?  It's about thinking more positively about your abilities and knowing that when you put enough effort into something, you're bound to succeed.  We won't belabor the fixed mindset, which, as you can imagine, isn't quite as productive.  It's the one where you think you'll never meet anyone, etc.  NOT what we're looking for.

 

For the growth mindset, keep in mind:

- Effort leads to success - Join Facebook or Match.com
- Learn from mistakes - Why didn't that guy ask me out?
- Stay positive - I know I can figure out how to survive a date
- Seek out feedback - What's wonderful about me (or not so much?)
- Take the plunge! - In the words of a famous sneaker, JUST DO IT!

For more on mindset, look at the book or read my newsletter What's on your Mind? 

Keep an eye out for my article here or read my last one.