This Personality Test Reveals If Being 'Nice' Is Your Greatest Strength Or Weakness In Relationships

Sometimes after a divorce, you try to be all things to all people. You may feel like you have to do more to have friends, go out of your way to be accommodating in new relationships, and maybe you were always like that. This piece is about the curse of being "too nice," to the detriment of your goals and needs.

If you're the kind of the person who's always being accused of being "too nice", a simple personality test can let you know whether or not what they're telling you is the truth. 

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

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4 Marriage-Material Qualities To ALWAYS Look For (And 4 To Ignore)

So when you start looking for that new guy, consider this.

As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners for relationships that are likely to make us happy.

My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things to look for in a guy, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, and many more.

You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment.

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Why Finding Your Soul Mate Is Not Just About Getting Lucky

When you're ready to get back into the dating scene, you'll need to know the things I talk about in this piece.

One of my pet peeves is peopling telling me they're just "unlucky," as an explanation for why they don't have a great job, don't live in an exciting city or aren't in a fulfilling relationship. Really? 

Even in poker, while there's luck involved, there's also skill and the work of honing that skill. When it comes to being discovered as an actor, or getting that coveted job at an amazing law firm, there's always the luck of being in the right place at the right time, but you're not getting the job without skill and hard work as well.

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Spring, 2016 Newsletter

Click here to see my Spring, 2016 Newsletter, with my recent posts and others I've enjoyed on health and wellness, relationships, dating and post-divorce adjustment. And there's news about my new office. Read it here…

For the next 5 days my book, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide. Tools for Your Journey, is available FREE.

4 Steps To Becoming Your Authentic Self

Being divorced you're probably trying to get back to being your authentic self. You're also likely trying to meet people, both as friends and to date. This post will help you be you...

One of my top recommendations for clients and friends who are dating is to be yourself. Although you may not list authenticity as a top quality for a partner or friend, recent research suggests it is one of the qualities that we seek in others. Authentic people are generally really fun to be around and easy to read. They tend to be less stressed and more satisfied. They do not trigger red flags like the inauthentic.

Authenticity is basically the opposite of being a liar, a fake or a fraud. It's being yourself, being honest, being who you truly are. According to psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener, you can increase your authenticity quotient.

So let's look at how you know if you are being authentic and how to work on being more authentic, while avoiding the trap of overplaying your authenticity. 

1. Talk the talk. Say what you really think. Honor your values, beliefs and ideals above people pleasing and despite possibly making a few waves. If you believe it's important to reduce your carbon footprint, say so.  Read more here...

4 Qualities To Say "Yes" To In A Partner

So it's time to date and seek the new love of your life. This post provides a few suggestions about what you need to look for.


As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners likely to make us happy.

My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things they seek in their next mate, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, etc.  You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment. And it follows that the not-so-handsome mate who is very understanding will bring us more happiness.

The traits that reflect our deepest, intrinsic desires are most important in guaranteeing satisfaction with our partner. 

What we really need are:  

1. Warmth. This person desires intimacy with you. Read more here...

 

Are You Addicted to Comfort?

If you're addicted to comfort, divorce will solve that problem for you. I wrote:


In our constant search for happiness and the good life, we may be shortchanging ourselves by seeking to eliminate all negative emotions, thoughts and experiences from our lives. That's what Robert Biswas-Diener and Todd Kashdan say in their forthcoming book, The Upside of Your Darkside. You can see a preview in Biswas-Diener's TEDx talk about comfort addiction. 

Consider that our desire for creature comforts (do I really need Google Glass?) and intense efforts to avoid discomfort (the vacation to Club Med instead of a real place) make us increasingly unable to deal with the discomforts life inevitably brings. 

Happiness experts uniformly suggest that curiosity and challenges, with their associated discomfort, enrich our lives. 

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Relationships Are Whatever You Make Them

Growing up on the kind of romantic comedies that Doris Day and Kathryn Hepburn made, and Leave it to Beaver, it's hard to see how I was not flummoxed by the other things I grew up with, like West Side Story, Gone with the Wind, and The King and I. In these latter, boy-meets-girl, but they sure don't turn out like a Doris Day/Rock Hudson, or Tracy and Hepburn film. We didn't know Rock's back-story until he was dying. Tracy and Hepburn were a not-just-movie couple, never living openly as a couple. Things were not always as perfect as they seemed. 

As Maria Bello concluded in her wonderful "Modern Love" piece, "Maybe…a modern family is just a more honest family." With my post-divorce coaching specialty, I am constantly confronted by people trying to put together new families, often with pieces that seem very disparate to them. There are the ex, the new lover, the step-kids from the now-ex-spouse, the ex-in-laws, and everyone's friends, among others.

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No More Post-Divorce Holiday Blues

With July 4^th coming up, coping with holidays becomes a critical issue for many post-divorce. This particular holiday may not even have been a big deal in your married days, but spending a "family" holiday without the family you've been accustomed to having can feel like a big deal. Just knowing that so many people are gathered in backyards around the country, sweating in the summer heat, grilling fatty hotdogs and bland burgers, and inhaling enough cholesterol to choke a horse, is enough to make anyone want to cry. Not to mention all the fascinating, stimulating conversations you're missing. But I digress.

No matter how boring the gatherings might be, or how bad the food, it's still tough to anticipate a holiday that you will be spending, if not alone, differently. I'm here to tell you that you will survive this, like so many other post-divorce insults. Here's how…

Make a plan. I'm all about getting out of the house, but if you'd rather not,...Read more here...