Eulogy For My Post-Divorce Cat

 

The loss of a pet yields a unique type of grief.

Some people’s, post-divorce acquisition is a home, other’s a car, but since I got the house and did not need a new car, mine was a cat. It’s a rite of passage for the newly single, perhaps the first time they have made a major purchase solo. Or, as in my case, the first time in a long time.

The cat was not really a solo acquisition. It was my son and me. It was the first big thing we did together post-divorce that was just the two of us.

Eighteen and a half years ago we drove to a double-wide in a slightly more rural area than ours, too close to the city to be country, but too far and wild to be suburban. It felt like an adventure.

She was a beautiful, tiny kitten billed as Siamese, which the mother clearly was, the father clearly not. It was one of those situations where, you’ve come this far, can you walk away kittenless? Of course not. I did not point out that she was obviously only half Siamese. Truth be told, I was a little afraid to question the sellers who didn’t look like they were too interested in bargaining.

Read more here...

Post-Divorce Decision-Making Overwhelm

Having talked with many post-divorcers, I believe divorce often finds us suffering with a decision-making deficit.  I’ve written about how the decision-making issues can arise because there are too many decisions.  And there is a myriad of decisions.  There are decisions about where to live, who to live with, what to do about the kids, the job, the friends, the ex, and so forth.  We know that having many decisions to make strains our ability to make good choices.  It can be overwhelming.

How does this happen?  Instead of just having too many decisions, perhaps it has something to do with the choices we make in our marriage.  In some marriages, there are few decisions to make, most being made by a highly controlling spouse.  In other marriages, decision-making power is often abdicated to a spouse.  I’m suggesting that when you don’t have to make a lot of choices, you start to forget how to make choices.  Then when you have lots to make, you’re out of  practice and it’s easily overwhelming.

My tips for those relearning decision-making:

1.  Try not to make too many decisions all at once.  Figure out what needs to be decided today, and keep a list of the other things to get to when you have more decision-making energy.

2.  HALT.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?  Don’t make any decisions under these conditions.  Eat, sleep, get with a friend and de-stress.  Then decide.

3.  Get the info.  Read, google, listen to podcasts, do whatever you do to get information.  Think it over.  Consider the possibilities and options.  Look at the consequences.  Then come up with your choice, or top choices.

4.  Consult.  Talk to friends, colleagues, anyone with information or insight into the issue and get their input.  You still make the decision, but even the presidents of the united states and general motors don’t make decisions on their own.  They use advisors.

5.  Sit with it.  If you don’t have to decide today and it’s a big decision, wait a couple of days.  Let the ideas come together.  Then revisit your decision and see if it still looks good.

6.  Practice acceptance.  Once you’ve gone through your steps, go with it and enjoy.  If you haven’t made the best choice, you’ll figure it out and do what you can for damage control.  You’ll learn something.  Next time, you’ll make a better choice.

It’s wonderful to hear people excited about buying their first car or home on their own.  It doesn’t have to be overwhelming.  The big win: there’s a huge sense of empowerment that comes with making one’s own decisions.

I’m So Tired, The Beatles

Tips for Post-Divorce Vacation Blues

The article I just read about summer depression and seasonal affective disorder triggered my thoughts about special post-divorce summer issues.  Specifically, how to handle your kids being gone with your ex.  Often summer visits are longer, sometimes as much as two months when geography is an issue.  Here are the tips for handling the special challenges:

1.  Try optimism.  Thinking about longer visits as vacations exudes optimism.  It’s a vacation from your kids.  Not that you don’t love them to death, but they don’t say absence makes the heart grow fonder for nothing.  If you’re kids are going on an actual vacation, perhaps one for which you done have the time, money or inclination, think about how positive this is for them.

2.  Make good use of the opportunity.  Everyone has things that pile up.  This is an opportunity to get some things done.  Whether at home or at work, it’s catch up time.  When the vacation is over, you’ll be able to give yourself a huge pat on the back for accomplishing something that’s been looming.

3.  HAVE FUN.  Even with all caps I cannot emphasize this enough.  Whatever fun is for you (and if you can’t remember, this is a great time to figure it out), whether reading novels, renting videos the kids would hate, going zip-lining, having dinner with friends, not cooking, cooking what you’d like to eat…whatever it is, do it.  A lot.  It’ll counteract the pain of the loss.

4.  Refresh and renew.  Fun refreshes and renews, but so do other things.  What refreshes and renews for you?  You probably have more time to get to the gym or your yoga class (that you’re about to sign up for), for a long bath, a solitary walk, a facial or a massage.  This is “me” time.

5.  Accept.  This is how things are going to be.  It may be difficult, but acceptance is key to moving forward and flourishing in your new circumstances.  Breathe, notice and use your strengths to brighten your days.  You can do this, and it gets easier.

And totally dating myself, as usual, for a blast of summer, Summer in the City, Lovin’ Spoonful

Secret Destinations Post-divorce

All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. Martin Buber

Starting a new year post-divorce can be trying, but what a great quote to start with. I see it as a way of reflecting on how we never quite know what we’ll encounter in our journey. Most of us don’t expect to get divorced, so the divorce is certainly a secret destination, but so is everything that comes after that day.

When I consider all that I’ve done in the seven years since my divorce, it’s quite astounding. And no, I have not developed more modesty. A runner for many years, I was inspired to run my first 10K and have run it 3 more times since then. Running races was never something on my radar, so it turned out to be a secret destination. Also ran my first 5K and have run that one a few more times. A psychologist for many years, I studied life coaching and attained my certification which was a destination I’d never planned. Although I’m an avid fitness person, I’ve become a serious student of yoga, which was something entirely new to me. No doubt as a result of all this fitness, I got my first massage and have joyfully had many since, another secret destination.

What it striking to me when I look at my life and the lives of others, is that we frame our journeys and the many secret destinations we visit along the way, with our particular mindset. For me, the post-divorce years are joyous, free and invigorating. Sure there’s been angst and pain; it happens to everyone for various reasons. But I choose not to frame my journey in those terms. I’ve accomplished a lot of things, and they probably have less to do with being divorced and more to do with filling the 7 years of this journey with a lot of travel, hence many secret destinations. I have many clients and friends who view their post-divorce secret destinations with the same kind of pleasure and acceptance. Then there are others for whom everything post-divorce is less than, not as good as or otherwise deficient; they do not brag about their secret destinations. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We all have secret destinations, and it’s wise to learn to accept the ones that are difficult, and be sure to arrive at others that are exciting and fun.

I can’t help it, but the song that comes to mind is It Happens, Sugarland. So shoot me for mixing Buber and C&W.