A Few Tips for Friends of the Divorced

Jancee Dunn has some really good tips for friends of divorced people. It includes some that are perhaps obvious, like invite your friend to do things. There are others that aren't so obvious, like don't trash the ex.

 It's worth a read here...

How To Deal With (And Get OVER) The Roughest Times In Your Life

Dealing with divorce or surely one example of getting over the roughtest time in your life. Here's my latest piece on how to do that.

Life is not a bowl of cherries…it's more like the box of chocolates Forrest Gump's mother told him about…you never know what you're going to get.

Those chocolates you'd rather not be eating, they're what drive people to therapy. When I consider the issues people often bring to therapy…coping with a loss, a personal failure, an empty nest, a divorce…it seems like some bounce back much more quickly than others. What's the magic ingredient?

A new theory of adaptability suggests that diversifying your personal portfolio is a sustainable method of boosting your resilience to the ups and downs of life.

Do you know how your investment portfolio is supposed to be diversified? You have stocks, bonds, mutual funds, property and the like, some riskier than others. While you probably won't get rich quick, you will avoid taking a hard fall that totally wipes you out. A diversified portfolio makes your financial well-being more resilient to the ups and downs of the market.

There is evidence that expanding the number of roles, relationships and experiences in your life provides a kind of personal diversification that increases emotional resilience, that ability to bounce back, along with happiness and self-esteem.

Read more here...

3 Ways To Build A Super Strong Bromance (Because Guys Need Friends, Too!)

One of the things that's really helpful post-divorce is your friends. If you're like many guys, you may have neglected friendships, so here's my take on building them back up...

There are have been a lot of famous bromances throughout history. Explorers Lewis and Clark. Presidents Adams and Jefferson. Authors J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. President Obama and VP Biden. And, of course, a bromance for the ages: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

But don't laugh at or make light of the bromance! Because research shows that relationships — friendships included —  are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Yes, your (or your man's) bromance might just help him live longer!

That's because loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress.

According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common.

But we may not teach boys and men how to be good friends. 

Read more here…

5 Ways To Get Out Of The Bad Mood That's Ruining Your Day

There are plenty of post-divorce times when your mood threatens to ruin the day.

I've got some ideas for you from my last YourTango piece. There's a little partner advice and you can apply it to anyone.

It starts like this:

My ballet career ended abruptly after a performance as Tinker Bell in Peter Pan. 

Remember when Tinker Bell is dying and the audience has to clap to bring her back to life? Instead of gracefully floating down facing the audience, I flopped down with my butt toward the crowd. 

I must have been about six. 

I can still hear the barely stifled snickers, probably from siblings forced to attend.

While there were many positive events in my childhood, the memories of them tend to be less elaborate and persistent than the Peter Pan incident, as it became known in my family. 

There were recitals in which I did not blunder. Why don't I remember them?

The psychological reason is simple: the bad outweighs the good. 

Read more here...

Keeping The Bromance Alive. Yes, You Can!

Now that you're divorced, you may be feeling the need for some connection. If, like many men, you've allowed friendships to go by the wayside during your marriage, take heart, there are solutions. My recent post addresses this.

Now that Obama and Biden have left the building, is the bromance over? We'll have to wait and see. But why not use this as an opportunity to evaluate your relationships with your bruhs.

Why bother? Because research shows that relationships are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress. 

According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of a book about men's friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common. We also expect our friends to be available for activities, to reach out to us and to stay in touch.

I'm sorry to say that men are often not so good with reaching out and staying in touch, behaviors that nurture relationships. When you're young, it doesn't take much. You go to games, work on projects or party together. As those activities disappear, generally after college, you have to find new reasons to get together. 

Continue reading...

The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

I am excited to announce the publication of my new eBook, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide.Tools For Your Journey. It is available  on Amazon .

With tips and steps to escape negative thinking, emotional impasses and behavioral stagnation, the book will help you negotiate the treacherous terrain of post-divorce life. Lightened up with a heavy dose of humor, I draw on the positive psychology literature with concrete suggestions to pro-actively manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce. 

I call on my personal experience with divorce, and years of work with clients going through this devastating life experience, to show you how you can emerge even better than you were before. The book addresses three tasks of post-divorce adjustment. The first is "Acceptance," identifying the reasons for the divorce and viewing them in an empowering way. The second, "Coping," provides help dealing with the often unexpected consequences associated with divorce. "Becoming," the final section, encourages you to aspire to be your best self and view your divorce as an opportunity to flourish. 

There are chapters on developing a positive mindset, identifying and using signature strengths, developing more optimism, setting and reaching goals, becoming happier and cultivating mindfulness. There are also chapters devoted to practical aspects of post-divorce adjustment including acceptance, emotional reactions, coping with your ex and dealing with issues like holidays and vacations, relationships with friends and relatives and dating.

I hope you find it useful and enjoy it. I'd love to hear your comments. 

No More Post-Divorce Holiday Blues

With July 4^th coming up, coping with holidays becomes a critical issue for many post-divorce. This particular holiday may not even have been a big deal in your married days, but spending a "family" holiday without the family you've been accustomed to having can feel like a big deal. Just knowing that so many people are gathered in backyards around the country, sweating in the summer heat, grilling fatty hotdogs and bland burgers, and inhaling enough cholesterol to choke a horse, is enough to make anyone want to cry. Not to mention all the fascinating, stimulating conversations you're missing. But I digress.

No matter how boring the gatherings might be, or how bad the food, it's still tough to anticipate a holiday that you will be spending, if not alone, differently. I'm here to tell you that you will survive this, like so many other post-divorce insults. Here's how…

Make a plan. I'm all about getting out of the house, but if you'd rather not,...Read more here...

Friendship Post-divorce

Wondering what to get your post-divorce friend? Now, a department store in London has the answer to that very question. Yup, a gift registry for the divorced.

Seriously though, it raises something important for the post-divorce person. What do you need from your friends?

There are things for which a gift registry makes sense. Then there are the things you can’t buy. These are things like being loved, you know…priceless:

Spend time with your friend
Invite your friend places even though s/he is not a couple
Call and listen even if your friend is still whining
Tell your friend how wonderful, handsome/gorgeous, brilliant, etc. they are
Remind your friend why they made the choice they did or are in the situation they’re in…there’s always something positive here, a la:

Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you you are now. And it’s because they sat there that they were able
to do it. Ryan Bingham, Up in the Air

Introduce your friend to other friends (not potential partners)
Include your friend during holidays
Go to a movie with your friend

If you’re reading the post-divorce blog, you’re probably divorced and need to pass this along to your friends so they know what to do. AND, you can ask for these things. Don’t be shy, say what you need.

For inspiration to say what you need, have a listen to Say, John Mayer