5 Ways To Stop Obsessing About Your Looks (And What It Means If You Do)

I know it's difficult not to scrutinize your looks post-divorce. My latest article is about how to not do that anytime,and what to try instead. It starts like this...

You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that American women are obsessed with their appearance and constantly worrying about their looks. We all want to know how to look pretty, how to look hot and even how to look younger. 

According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, in 2016 over 4.5 million Botox injections were performed, with the total price tag for surgical and non-surgical aesthetic procedures topping 15 billion dollars. Only 9% of recipients were men.

Allure reports that 2017 was the “unofficial” year of plumped-up lips. The predictions for what will be hot in 2018 include the laser bra lift, the new Botox, upper and lower eye-lid filler and customized labia (ouch!). My personal fav is the so-called vampire breast lift. As you might guess, blood is involved. And here I was thinking Allure was cool for banning the term “anti-aging.”

 Read more here...

How To STOP Feeling Lazy, Guilty & Selfish For Taking Care Of Yourself

Now more than ever, you need to take care of you. Here's my recent piece on giving yourself permission for self-care.

Women tell me all the time how they want to slow down and take time out from their busy lives to chill, but they can't.

They tell me there's way too much to do to keep things going in their world, and no one else to do it.

Besides, they tell me, taking time for myself is selfish.

They tell me doing stuff for the kids, partner, parents, grandparents, friends, dogs, cats, is more important than me-time.

When they do make time for exercise, yoga, painting or a class, they feel guilty. Isn't cooking and freezing meals for the next decade, helping kids with their homework and vacuuming dog hair for the umpteenth time this week more important than self-improvement?

When they sit and read, take a walk or meditate for 30 minutes they wonder if they're being lazy. What about the cabinets to be cleaned, the extra work they could be doing at their job or preparing the gourmet meal their partner would be thrilled with?

The oxygen-on-the-plane metaphor is something I often invoke. Everyone understands that if you can't breathe you can't help your 4-year-old breathe. Think of taking a little time for solitude as something to help you breathe.

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5 Ways To Get Out Of The Bad Mood That's Ruining Your Day

There are plenty of post-divorce times when your mood threatens to ruin the day.

I've got some ideas for you from my last YourTango piece. There's a little partner advice and you can apply it to anyone.

It starts like this:

My ballet career ended abruptly after a performance as Tinker Bell in Peter Pan. 

Remember when Tinker Bell is dying and the audience has to clap to bring her back to life? Instead of gracefully floating down facing the audience, I flopped down with my butt toward the crowd. 

I must have been about six. 

I can still hear the barely stifled snickers, probably from siblings forced to attend.

While there were many positive events in my childhood, the memories of them tend to be less elaborate and persistent than the Peter Pan incident, as it became known in my family. 

There were recitals in which I did not blunder. Why don't I remember them?

The psychological reason is simple: the bad outweighs the good. 

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7 Self-Help Tips From My Yoga Practice

Post-divorce we are always seeking ways to move calm down, move forward and stretch. Here's my latest piece to help with all of these.

I'm never quite sure if yoga imitates life, or vice versa. I am sure the lessons I learn from my yoga practice are the same lessons my clients and friends often struggle with.

Certainly, yoga reduces anxiety and improves mood, but the practice is compelling for its subtle teachings. Whether it's recovering from the breakup, improving your health and wellness, or trying to balance work, family and life, applying these principles will help you grow.

1.      No one is perfect. In yoga, the pose that was so accessible yesterday may feel impossible today. Our bodies are different each day. So are our minds. While yesterday you worked, got the kid to soccer, got your steps in, made dinner and it all felt seamless, tomorrow is a different animal. One hiccup can throw everything off. The angry boss, the veggies you thought you had ready for that healthy meal, or the back pain you woke up with, each can undermine our best laid plans. No one can do it all, all the time. Stop beating yourself up and just order the pizza.

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Change Your Thoughts And Your Life Will Change

One of your big post-divorce tasks will be to change the way you do things. This YourTango post will give you some ideas about how to make that happen. 

It starts off like this:

 The way you do one thing is the way you do everything has been rattling around in my head since January, the day I heard it twice in one single day. When something strikes me as interesting, and then it comes up again, I figure it might be important. I also apply this strategy when listening as a therapist or coach, evidence that the adage applies for me. 

People come to me seeking change. They want to change their mood, their habits, their careers, their relationships, or their parenting style, among other things. It's wonderful to decide you want to make important changes in your life. 

The problem is that the way you do one thing does seem to be the way you do most things. Notice I got rid of everything. There's Perfect Pete, rarely coloring outside the lines, desperately following the rules, despite the misery it brings.  Read more here...

 

Post-divorce Self-compassion

Considering the value of self-esteem is relevant to the post-divorce period. I’ve already talked about how self-esteem can be impacted negatively in marriage, but now we’re all about questioning the very notion of self-esteem. Some people call it self-indulgence.

I like the idea that we would do better to consider self-compassion as an alternative to self-esteem. Adapted for post-divorce, self-compassion involves:

* Being tolerant of the self. Tolerance is about being non-judgmental, particularly in the face of failures. Since divorce is the ultimate failure for many because of their values, hopes and dreams, it’s useful to consider a different view. Perhaps it isn’t a failure at all. Perhaps we do not need to judge ourselves through the right-wrong lens. Acceptance without judgment is a different view. Sometimes, if not always, we’re where we need to be.

* Recognizing that pain is part of the human experience. We need not be isolated in our pain. I’ve talked about the role of friendship and support post-divorce which I think is really important. We are not islands but part of the common humanity. Everyone has their pain and it’s good to talk about ours. We can help others by being there, listening and supporting.

* Trying to maintain emotional balance. We need not exaggerate our failings, including indulging in self-pity when in pain. This is a toughie, but ruminating, obsessing and getting hysterical about our problems is rarely useful. Trying to get a calm, clear perspective and to maintain that perspective without drama is very useful. It involves noticing your thoughts and accepting or redirecting them instead of allowing the negative focus to engulf us. Sometimes input from others helps us gain perspective and feel supported.

So instead of bemoaning that your self-esteem is low because of the divorce, try taking special care to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, and maybe even to others, post-divorce. It’s a goal likely to boost happiness.