Avoid Post-Performance Blues…Develop Your Recovery Routine

If you consider your marriage to be something like a uninspired performance you must recover from,  these suggestions about developing a recovery plan will be useful.

In an ironic turn of events, the day after finishing a half-marathon, and a week after I finished writing a book, I came across my notes for a possible article about post-performance routines. It was sorely needed, as I was feeling the lackadaisical lassitude of the post-partier. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of the party, but what now? 

Unless you're a professional party planner, you probably don't consider the events of your life to be like a big event you just arranged, and you probably don't systematically examine what worked and what didn't work. We all have our personal parties, be they public speeches, musical or athletic performances, or our performance as parents, partners or employees. 

During the party, you have difficult moments you may have anticipated, like when the cake doesn't arrive on time and you must find a substitute, or you're two minutes behind target at the midpoint of the race. 

Read more here...

How To Up Your Wellness Quotient Post-Divorce

It goes without saying that divorce is a stressful time. What people often don't realize is that it's the stress which makes it the right time to examine your wellness plan. I know, you probably don't have one, and, being so stressed out, you think you don't have time to create one. In fact, it's times like these that you absolutely, positively must make time to take care of yourself. It can take surprisingly little time to up your wellness quotient just a bit. 

The first thing to consider is what wellness means to you. I suggest a three-pronged approach in which you consider your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I'm not a purist as to how you might define each. What's important is that you spend a little time on each area assessing how you're doing, what's going well and what's not going so well.

Many of my clients look at their physical status once the divorce dust settles. When you're thinking of dating it's hard not to think about what shape you're in. Read more here...

After the Breakup, Change Up Your Playlist To Put On A Happy Face

What do Lucinda Williams’ Essence, Annie Lennox’s "Bare" and Steely Dan’s "Everything Must Go," have in common?  They're all breakup CDs that came out roughly around the time of my divorce.  Perhaps gray skies were gonna clear up, but in the meantime, I had to have them.  I’m not even sure I knew why when I bought them.  Warren Zevon’s "The Wind" is not a breakup CD, unless you count the fact that he was dying, kind of a breakup with the universe. I had to have that one too. As we know, music has charms to soothe the savage breast. We also know that misery loves company, not just plain old company, but miserable company. If we put it all together, we can understand more about music's effect on our mood.

At the time I didn't know that there was research to back up my preference. A recent study shows that people prefer sad music when they've experienced an interpersonal loss. The sad music may actually help people cope by providing a substitute for the loss, kind of like a companion. Hanging with Lucinda was all about having someone who could really feel my pain.

If only it were that simple. Read more here...

Don't Get Burned By Your Post-Divorce Anger

Although every divorce is unique, most result in an abundance of post-divorce anger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and it's quite normal. It's unresolved anger that is corrosive and toxic. Like being in a burning house, it sucks the life out of you. Acknowledging persistent anger, and committing to do something about it, is step one. Step two is managing your anger. Here are some things to try:

·         Laughter. It's a great antidote to anger. Laughing often, preferably at yourself, helps you recover. I am a huge fan of not taking oneself too seriously. It always helps to try to see the humor in things. If Tig Notaro can joke about cancer in her standup routine, you can joke about your divorce. It's human nature to make light of tragedy, but sometimes you have to give yourself permission to indulge in gallows humor.

·         Humanizing. Your once-significant other is a real person, not a monster or an all-powerful being. He may have done monstrous things and held a lot of power over you, but that's behind you. Especially if you have kids, no matter what their ages, it's healthier to speak of him in non-pejorative terms. It's a lot easier to do that if you start thinking of him more benignly, as just a mere human.

·         Empathy. It helps the humanizing process. I know the idea of empathy for your ex might be a little bit of a stretch. But here's the thing. Empathy is a way to decrease anger. Putting yourself in his shoes, you can probably figure out just what he was thinking and perhaps even why he did the cowardly, childish and otherwise-annoying things he did. And then you can try to understand it.

·         Listening. Pay attention and see if you can understand what your ex is trying to communicate. You're probably always assuming the worse. You may or may not be correct, but it doesn't matter. Real conversations involve curiosity, interest and focus, great skills to practice for your next relationship. Listening also helps you humanize and empathize. You don't have to agree, you just have to listen. Then choose your response with care.

·         Bad decision blocking. One way to respond with care is to moderate electronic communications carefully. They can be left in draft form while you decide whether or not to send, or even written with no intention to ever send. Do not send while angry, stressed or drinking. If necessary, there's an app for your phone. And no Facebook stalking. When communicating in real-time, don't start a conversation you know will involve conflict when you’re in a hurry or feeling stressed out. There's no app for this, but thank you caller ID.

·         Kindness. As we say in the South, kill him with kindness. This is not meant to be taken literally. Remember, you don't always have to say what you think out loud. It's often best not to. Mindfulness, especially the loving kindness meditation, where you express loving thoughts toward yourself and others, is great for cultivating a kinder, gentler you. Emphasize the bit in loving kindness where you focus on someone you definitely don't love.

As the Buddha purportedly said, Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else…You are the one who gets burned. Keep that in mind and be cool.

This blog was originally published at YourTango.

What Do You Call Your Significant Other Post-Divorce?

This is not a trick question.  What is your once-significant other now?  My insignificant other?  My formerly significant other?  The person once known as my spouse?  Okay.  What’s in a name, anyway?  But I think it speaks to the issue of change.

Invariably, one party is angry.  If that’s not the case for you, yippee.  There’s always hurt and a feeling of loss.  Often there’s confusion.  It’s useful to consider the emotions you’re feeling.  It’s good to name them and decide how big they are.  This helps you decide what you need to do about the feelings.  There may be some name-calling among friends, initially.  It’s just a way to diffuse some of those feeling.  But it has to stop.

The way you think of your former spouse, and I use this term because it’s benign and non-pejorative, affects how you think about yourself.  I’ve said before, in my top 5 list, instead of ex, just use a name.  It decreases anger and increases control.  Your once-significant is a real person, not a monster or an all-powerful being.  It doesn’t have to be a name, but it does have to be neutral.  This is imperative if you have kids, but also useful if you don’t.  Even your adult kids don’t want to hear one parent berating another.  It puts them in a tough spot.

Now, about those feelings of hurt and loss, they’re part of the grieving process.  Whatever the nature of the relationship, and however good it’s going to turn out to be divorced, there’s loss there.  Whether it’s the person you’re missing, their family, friends you lose, things you did together, memories you shared, all of that is very real and it’s painful.  You can’t avoid it.  You have to feel it, share it, write about it, sing about it, do whatever you do to deal with emotional issues.  Oh, you don’t deal with emotional issues?  This is a great time to start.

When you can use the term you’ve chosen freely and with comfort, you’re moving forward.  Then it’s time to consider where you want to go.

I Call Your Name, The Mammas & The Pappas (I like their version better, so shoot me)