Although every divorce is
unique, most result in an abundance of post-divorce anger. There's absolutely
nothing wrong with that and it's quite normal. It's unresolved anger that is
corrosive and toxic. Like being in a burning house, it sucks the life out of
you. Acknowledging persistent anger, and committing to do something about it,
is step one. Step two is managing your anger. Here are some things to try:
·
Laughter. It's
a great antidote to anger. Laughing
often, preferably at yourself, helps you recover. I am a huge fan of not taking
oneself too seriously. It always helps to try to see the humor
in things. If Tig Notaro can joke about cancer in her standup routine, you can joke about your divorce. It's human nature
to make light of tragedy, but sometimes you have to give yourself permission to
indulge in gallows humor.
·
Humanizing. Your once-significant other is a real person, not a
monster or an all-powerful being. He may have done monstrous things and held a
lot of power over you, but that's behind you. Especially if you have kids, no
matter what their ages, it's healthier to speak of him in non-pejorative terms.
It's a lot easier to do that if you start thinking of him more benignly, as
just a mere human.
·
Empathy. It helps the humanizing process. I
know the idea of empathy for your ex might be a little bit of
a stretch. But here's the thing. Empathy is a way to decrease anger. Putting
yourself in his shoes, you can probably figure out just what he was thinking
and perhaps even why he did the cowardly, childish and otherwise-annoying
things he did. And then you can try to understand it.
·
Listening. Pay attention and see if you can
understand what your ex is trying to communicate. You're probably always
assuming the worse. You may or may not be correct, but it doesn't matter. Real conversations involve curiosity, interest and
focus, great skills to practice for your next relationship. Listening also helps you humanize
and empathize. You don't have to agree, you just have to listen. Then choose
your response with care.
·
Bad decision blocking. One way to respond with care is to moderate electronic communications carefully. They can be left in draft
form while you decide whether or not to send, or even written with no intention
to ever send. Do not send while angry, stressed or drinking. If necessary,
there's an app for your phone. And no Facebook stalking. When communicating in real-time, don't
start a conversation you know will involve conflict when you’re in a hurry or
feeling stressed out. There's no app for this, but thank you caller ID.
·
Kindness. As we say in the South, kill him with kindness. This is not
meant to be taken literally. Remember, you don't always have to say what you
think out loud. It's often best not to. Mindfulness, especially the loving kindness meditation, where you express loving thoughts
toward yourself and others, is great for cultivating a kinder, gentler you. Emphasize
the bit in loving kindness where you focus on someone you definitely don't
love.
As
the Buddha purportedly said, Holding onto
anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone
else…You are the one who gets burned. Keep that in mind and be cool.
This blog was originally published at YourTango.
This blog was originally published at YourTango.
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