Find Your Post-Divorce Lifeline

We’ve all had our personal Titanics, we’ve all had those moments where we really have not shone, and we’ve had to live through and block it out and try to face some kind of future knowing that we missed an opportunity to be bigger and better than we were.

I love that quote from Frances Wilson’s interview.   She spoke of her book about J. Bruce Ismay, who owned the Titanic and survived it’s destruction.  For many of us, divorce is our personal Titanic.  The thing that sinks us to the depths of depression, hopelessness and fear.  The thing for which we need, if not a lifeboat, at least a lifeline.

Perhaps it would be more apt to think of the marriage as the Titanic.  The thing that threatened to take us down, along with innocent bystanders.  And here’s where I think we want to take stock.  Wilson asks, How do you pick up a life after that?  There’s a difference between surviving and living.

Very true.  So what’s your lineline going to be?  Lifelines I’ve known include yoga, running, a career, friends, writing, travel, gardening, music, etc.   These things broaden us.  They change us in positive ways.  Think about it.  What’s your lifeline?  Just pick something, and see.  See if it saves you and makes you bigger and better than you were.

Just waiting for an excuse to include WoodenShips, Crosby, Stills & Nash

How to Think Post-Divorce

How is post-divorce adjustment like adjustment post-brain surgery?  Gweneviere Mann has short-term memory loss from complications from brain surgery.  Her story is poignant.  The thing I loved most was what she said about running the NYC marathon:

"You know, I have spent a lot of days since my injury comparing myself to what I used to be and feeling sad about the things that I've lost," she says. "But doing the marathon really shows me that I still have a lot left in me."

If only we could view ourselves that way post-divorce, after all of our changes and losses, eh?So how about it?

*Think about the things you can still do, not the things you can’t do

*Think about what you’ve got, not what you’ve lost

*Think about what you’re going to do, not what you’re no longer going to do

*Think about 3 things you’re grateful for, not 3 things you’re pissed off about

Most of all, be inspired by Gweneviere’s story.  Think about all you have left in you.  After all, it’s got to be a lot easier than brain surgery.

For Gweneviere: Guinnevere, Crosby, Stills & Nash

Post-Divorce Itch

How would you describe an itch, specifically, your post-divorce itch?  It may be a combination of pain, anger and hurt, with some other emotions tossed in.  Perhaps there’s relief with a dose of guilt.  It may have happened a week ago, or maybe 5 years ago.  The itch can still be there.

Uncomfortable emotions are like an itch we feel we must scratch.  It’s hard to ignore an itch.  The irony about an itch is, the more you scratch, the more it itches.  What we really want to do is learn to live with the discomfort post-divorce, and learn from it.  Like the itch from a bite, the more you let it be, the quicker it heals.

PemaChödrön says, scratching is our habitual way of trying to get away, trying to escape our fundamental discomfort, the fundamental itch of restlessness and insecurity, or that very uneasy feeling: that feeling that something bad is about to happen.

Newness and change often bring that feeling of impending doom and the dread that goes along with it.  Again, Pema Chödrön:

By learning to stay, we become very familiar with this place, and gradually, gradually, it loses its threat… abiding with the uneasy, disquieting sensation of nowhere-to-run [we find] that—guess what?—we don’t die; we don’t collapse.  In fact, we feel profound relief and freedom.

The best part of change is in the opportunities it presents.  Once you are able to life with the discomfort, and you haven’t died or gone crazy, what now?  That’s the fun part.  How would you like to create the rest of your life?

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

TheScientist, Coldplay

The Post-Divorce Quest: Birdwatching

If you’re considering a post-divorce hobby, birdwatching may not come immediately to mind.  But we’re not talking about just watching birds, we’re talking about having a big year, i.e., a year in which you see more bird species than anybody else.  In the world.

As the author, Mark Obmascik, told the interviewer, it was a great escape.  “I walk into a woods and my regular life just fades away.”  All of which totally makes me want to read his book, The big year, and learn about his quest.  Stories of others successfully mastering an experience are so helpful, like How to sleep alone and Eat, pray, love.

When you want to do something new, whether it’s writing a book or starting a new post-divorce life, learning how others were able to do it is a great way to begin your quest.  Talking with people who’ve done it, which is basically what support groups are all about, is fantastic.  Being a bookworm myself, reading about it is just as good for me.  Not surprisingly, when I decided to start a coaching practice post-divorce as one quest, Therapist as life coach was a great book for me.  Movies work too.

It’s time to decide on your quest if you haven’t already, and then get some almost-free advice.

Going up the country, Canned Heat

Post-Divorce Celebration

What’s a celebration without a cake?  Along with my ex-wife’s wedding dress and the divorce gift registry, nothing says I don’t love you any more better than a snarky cake.  I’m not recommending hate and negativity.  But I do recommend, whenever possible, that you try not taking yourself so seriously.

Celebration is an important acknowledgment of a job well done.  I’m not saying we want to celebrate divorce.  It’s usually difficult and sad.  I am saying we can celebrate our new lives regardless of how we got there.

My suggestions for celebrating:

Laughter is a great antidote to anger and depression.  Part of wellness is the ability to laugh often, and often laugh at yourself.

Have a post-divorce party.  Maybe everyone tells their favorite funny story about you.

Take a vacation with friends and spend one day doing everything your way. 

My challenge:

You find something to do in celebration of your new life.  And yuk it up.

Don’t pass me by, The Beatles

Flourishing: How to live the good life

Check out my latest newsletter about flourishing.

It may be easier than you think to live the good life post-divorce.  It's a great way to get yourself moving forward.

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Give Up the Marriage Goal Post-Divorce

As Heidi Halvorson points out in her book, Succeed.How we can reach our goals, sometimes you have to give up a goal.  This is, of course, a central task in the post-divorce period.  Giving up the goal of happily ever after, of having a particular life with a particular person, of having holidays in a particular place with this constellation of family members, you have to give those goals up.

Borrowing from some of Halvorson’s ideas about how to think about goals we give up, and what we can do to ease the pain, these are some suggestions for use post-divorce.

Evaluate your effort and persistence.  Did you do everything you could?  Did you try to go the distance?  If you did your best, it’s time to let go and move on.

Let go of self-blame.  Success is determined largely by effort.  If you put in your all, the marriage didn’t fail because you’re not smart, attractive or clever enough.  Try to be honest about what went wrong, but let go of the gratuitous self-criticism and give yourself an “A” for effort.

You left for a reason.  People leave relationships because the cost of staying is too high.  If the relationship damaged your self-esteem (you were married to a narcissist), caused you to be on an emotional roller coaster (you were married to an addict) or required you to pay some other high price, it’s okay to say “enough.”

Substitute a new goal.  It’s not that finding a date or running a marathon (interesting comparison) will actually take the place of the person, hopes and dreams that are gone, but setting a new goal does a long way to helping us let go.    That’s why meeting someone new often eases the pain of a lost relationship.

It’s not just the person that’s gone, it’s the hopes and dreams.  Part of the work is letting all of that go.  There’s always a new goal on the horizon.

The way we were.  Barbra Streisand