The Post-Divorce Quest: Birdwatching

If you’re considering a post-divorce hobby, birdwatching may not come immediately to mind.  But we’re not talking about just watching birds, we’re talking about having a big year, i.e., a year in which you see more bird species than anybody else.  In the world.

As the author, Mark Obmascik, told the interviewer, it was a great escape.  “I walk into a woods and my regular life just fades away.”  All of which totally makes me want to read his book, The big year, and learn about his quest.  Stories of others successfully mastering an experience are so helpful, like How to sleep alone and Eat, pray, love.

When you want to do something new, whether it’s writing a book or starting a new post-divorce life, learning how others were able to do it is a great way to begin your quest.  Talking with people who’ve done it, which is basically what support groups are all about, is fantastic.  Being a bookworm myself, reading about it is just as good for me.  Not surprisingly, when I decided to start a coaching practice post-divorce as one quest, Therapist as life coach was a great book for me.  Movies work too.

It’s time to decide on your quest if you haven’t already, and then get some almost-free advice.

Going up the country, Canned Heat

Do Something New Post-Divorce

What better time to try to master something new than post-divorce?  According to Thomas Delong, a Harvard Business School Professor, if we’re not moving forward, we’re regressing.  The only way that individuals change is to do something new, which by definition means you’ll do it poorly…  Delong believes people can change at any age.

Yippee!  We get to do a lot of new things post-divorce.  We can buy our first car, remove the wasp nest from the mailbox, help the kids with homework while cooking dinner and cleaning up the dog’s mess, and hire someone to repair the flooding basement, all on our own.

What does Delong mean by do it poorly?  I think it’s just an admonition that we’re not going to be great at things that we’ve not done before.  So we may not be great at figuring out the post-divorce issues.  But that doesn’t mean we cannot achieve mastery.

What does he mean by at any age?  Pretty simple, huh?  No matter what your age, you can do this, you can make it work, you can make something happen.  In other words, you can master something new.

There are many ways to master post-divorce issues.  Do something new like:

*eating alone in a restaurant

*going to a movie alone

*taking a vacation alone

*getting along better with your ex-spouse

*spending a weekend with the kids alone

*mastering [your personal post-divorce challenge here]

You can also achieve mastery post-divorce on run-of-the-mill life issues by trying new things like learning something new, setting a new intention or developing your creativity.  These all help you feel more competent, confident and happy.

What’s your particular challenge? Try something new to meet that challenge today.

Music to master-the-new by: I’m Movin’ On, Rascal Flatts

Into the Gap Post-Divorce

I mean post-divorce gap in the most positive way.  In a recent piece, Jane Pauley talked about an experience gap that kids might like to fill before, or even during their college years.  She mentions empty nesters as having a similar opportunity.  It inspired my thinking about gap phases of life which I have shamelessly adapted here for the post-divorce gap year.  Like empty nesters, new retirees, or those luckily in a position to take a sabbatical, divorce also allows for a gap year.

According to Wikipedia, the gap year, AKA year abroad, year out, year off, deferred year, bridging year, time off and time out ,is typically the year students sometimes take before starting college, though some also take it after college graduation.  The time is used for travel, volunteer work, working abroad, exploring new directions and becoming more independent.   Perhaps in this economy you don’t have money or time for a break, especially after a divorce.  You can still carve out a little time to try something new.  These are a few ideas for branching out in your gap year:

-Something missing in your life?  I mean, other than your former spouse and former way of life.  Always wanted to see India, take a dance class, study sign language?  This is your opportunity.

-Back burner items you’ve always planned to do.  In marriage we all tend to set some things aside in order to accommodate partners.  This is the time to do something.  Start training for a marathon, enroll in an MBA program or try out for the new play in the local theater. 

-Meeting new people.  We all put off nonessential social contacts when we’re in marriages and other committed relationships.  Make time for a coffee or lunch with someone new.

-Having fun.  Divorce can free up time for fun.  Do something purposeful and fun.  Find volunteer opportunities, museums, parks, hikes, music in clubs, and other local options you haven’t explored.

The fact is, anytime is a great time to move into the gap, fill it with new experiences and get creative.  What’s in the gap for you?

Mood music:  TheGap.  Thompson Twins

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life.  Enjoy the Journey. 

Post-Divorce Foes and Fixes

I’ll admit it.  I’ve totally stolen these from Greg Melville’s articleabout common race foes.  But let’s face it, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a race, a post-divorce adjustment or a book.  The mental game is always the same.  Melville identifies four mental foes that get in the way on race day.  See how they apply to you.

* Your inner worry wart.  You know, the guy that leads you to question everything about your ability to function as a person, a partner and a worthwhile human being.  The fix…imagine yourself succeeding at whatever it is.  Whether it’s a date, paying the bills or getting rid of the mouse in the basement, visualize yourself doing it and doing it effectively and well.

* Your inner slacker.  This guy says there’s no hurry, you’ll figure things out eventually.  That’s true, you will figure things out eventually, but why wait?  You only have one life, and it’s short.  The fix…keep moving and working to get outside your comfort zone.  Think big and outside the box.  Try new things.  Get creative. 

* Your inner competitor.  This guy causes you to assess your abilities against everyone else’s, whether  that’s helpful or not.  Often, it’s not so helpful.  The fix…in the race of life it’s just you, trying to do your personal best.   You can learn from others who are successful, but don’t compare and be sure to enjoy your journey. 

* Your inner quitter.  This guy really makes you doubt you have the energy or grit to finish. You could cancel that date, pay the bills late and leave the mouse in the basement.  The fix…the urge to quit will pass.  Keep on with determination and grit.  You’ll get a second wind.

Don’t let any foes get in the way of living a happy and fulfilling life.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life.  Enjoy the Journey. 

Fix You, Coldplay

Post-Divorce Mindset: Failure or Renewal?

It’s autumn and the leaves are changing. They’re beautiful, and though we know they’re dying, we don’t see it as a failure. It’s a process of readying for winter followed by renewal in the spring. We love the changes.

What does this have to do with divorce? If we can think of the post-divorce period as a process, then we might talk about a failed marriage, then a process of change followed by renewal. It’s when we have the mindset, I’m a failure because of my divorce, that we get into trouble. Thinking of yourself as a failure obviously leaves little room for change. Thinking of yourself as a person who was in a bad marriage, and is now recovering from that experience and moving toward growth and renewal, is infinitely more helpful.

*Becoming is better than being. So said someone and I have to agree. Now that you’re single, what would you like to become? Think of three things you’d like to become at this point in your life. For example, become a yogi/yogini, become an accomplished cook, or become a better parent. Better yet, become all three.

*One man or woman’s meat is another’s poison. I’ll have to agree with that one as well. You’ll meet or have already met many who identify their divorce as the turning point in their lives after which all else went to the dogs. You’ll meet many more who identify their divorce as the turning point after which all else (relatively speaking) was dog heaven. And here’s the secret: meat or poison, heaven or hell, it’s completely up to you. You make it what you want based on how you think about it. If you think creatively and positively about how you’re going to flourish, like the trees come springtime, you’ve got it covered.

*You are what you think. I definitely agree with this one. You are not a failure, you are not just a divorced person, you are a survivor. And you are about to create your own destiny. This is a growth opportunity, as are most tragedies. Athletes with a “growth mindset” learn from their losses and misses to become better players. People with growth mindsets know they can do anything they set their minds to, regardless of what they’ve been through. So figure out how you’d like to grow.

Change how you think of yourself and your experiences to make the post-divorce experience one of renewal and not failure. Spring is just around the corner.

Just for fun:  Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone

Post-Divorce Creativity Cont'd

You can never have too much creativity, right? And I can never rehash my own ideas enough, right? Okay, maybe not. You be the judge.


My recent newsletter about Using Creativity to Flourish identified 5 strategies for enhancing creativity in life. Let’s apply these to the post-divorce. Yes, I’ve made it a noun, so shoot me.

Enhance natural curiosity. This is trying not to rush and noticing things. Though you may be more stretched for time post-divorce, with kids, work and socializing to juggle (among other things), YOU can chose where to indulge your curiosity. So go crazy. Window shop, go to the museum your ex, Bob or Sally, sneered at and take that hike you’ve been wanting do.

Enhance your flow. Spend more time on your hobby, or take up a new one you didn’t quite feel was supported. I know, you need to spend more time with the kids, the parents, your job. But if you enjoy it, everyone will be happy. My kid has been remarkably supportive (well, since he’s a remarkable kid it’s not all that surprising) of the many hours I spent taking classes and working on my life coaching venture. He even gave me a sign for mother’s day that says Inspire.

Enhance relaxation and reflection. I spent the first 6 months or so sleeping about 4 or 5 hours a night compared to the minimum of 7 I really need to function well. Take heed. You will not get everything figured out, finished, etc. Rest and engage in activities that replenish your psyche and body. Massage, exercise, spiritual pursuits (you know I’m a running, yoga and meditation nut) are all going to help you figure out how to create the life you want.

Enhance the positives. You’ll experiment with different things that seem like they might be interesting…learning to play the flute or belly dance, the new investment group, pilates, speed-dating. Whatever you try, toss out the boring and the time wasters and just do the things you enjoy. Now you can create a schedule that works for you and yours, not having to worry about someone else’s needs.

Enhance your creativity affirmations. Forget I’m so not used to being alone I don’t know what to do with myself. Replace it with It’s so awesome to be able to be spontaneous and go someplace without checking in with anyone.

Building in creative space for yourself and the things that enhance creativity will help you move forward in new and exciting directions. When in doubt, try it.

And this could be the Start of Something New, HS Musical

Post-Divorce Creativity

So you’re going post-divorce unconventional. Now you have to figure out what, exactly, you’re going to do next. At this point, creativity is a useful construct. Csikszentmihalyi, in his book on the creative process, talks about these five tasks:

Preparation. Here one is consumed with a problem that is at once interesting and exciting. Clearly, the recovery from the loss of one’s marriage and former way of life is likely to consume us. Finding the interesting, exciting aspects is often a bit of a challenge. But really, if your own life’s progression isn’t interesting and exciting, what is? Equally clear to most is the fact that we cannot continue with our former plans and strategies in this new situation. There’s a conflict between what we’ve been doing and what must be done now. So herein lies the interesting, complex and exciting opportunity.

Incubation. This is the time where ideas are growing and changing and morphing into something you actually want to consider acting on at some point. Key here, for the divorce process, is the notion of at some point. People are always asking me how long things will take, whether it’s recovery from divorce, loss of a loved one, no longer feeling an urge to overeat after a successful diet, no longer wishing to smoke after quitting, etc. While I’d love to be able to consult my crystal ball, I’ve apparently misplaced it. Change takes a while to incubate. Just like the chick in the egg, it’ll come out when it’s ready.

Insight. Ah ha. Things come together and it all makes sense. This (fill in the blank) is what I want to do next!

Evaluation. Despite one’s initial ah ha, sometimes, after sitting a bit with the insight, we realize it’s not all that fantastic after all. It’s not necessarily back to the drawing board, but perhaps a tweak or reconsideration of another idea that had been incubating alongside this one might be useful. Not all chicks are created equal.

Elaboration. So you want to be a life coach (one of my post-divorce enterprises), great! How’s that gonna work along with everything else going on? Can I afford the time and money? Will it be worthwhile in the end? What’s it going to take? These are all questions worth considering, as is the case with most new enterprises. The elaboration period involves determining if the insight which you’ve just evaluated to be worth pursuing is really something you think you can see to fruition. Let me emphasize think you can. Anything new is going to have its risks and benefits.

If change was a no-brainer that would be easy. But you’ll have to do some serious thinking, considering, weighing options and then take a risk or two. And once your chick is hatched, you’ll have to let it venture out into the world.