The World According To Dunham

Whether they're 20-, 30- or 60-something, my clients often bemoan the unfairness of life. They are frequently bemused, as in "I've been so good to him, how could he have lied to me for all that time?" or, "My boss has totally got it in for me…no reason whatsoever…I don't get it." They are shocked by the randomness.

The remarkable thing about Lena Dunham's memoir is that, at a mere 27, she seems to have totally gotten how the world works, as in, "There's a lot of crap around and you can't avoid that.

I've written previously about wisdom we can glean from Dunham's Girls series. At the risk of again being accused of suffering a girl crush, I simply must relate some Dunhamisms from the memoir, applicable to your relationships.

1.  Not yet ready for prime time. Dunham notes that when you go for guys who aren't interested in you, it could be because you're not ready for sex. While she referred to her adolescence, this applies at any age and goes beyond sex. Focusing efforts on unavailable men means that, not only aren't you ready for sex, you're probably not ready for any type of intimacy, including the non-physical kind. Take your time.

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A Little Post-Divorce Wisdom

It’s summer.  Maybe you have a little more time than usual to reflect.  Wisdom is something that comes from quiet reflection and involves “expertise in the conduct and meaning of life.” These are a few things I’ve been picking up on lately from my clients, who are often quite wise.

*No matter how well meaning we are, our ex-spouse may still perceive us as diabolically underhanded and destructive.

* Always take the high road.  You won’t regret it.

* When in doubt, whether with your ex-spouse, new “friend,” or suffering children, take five, consider the consequences and carefully plan how to act.

*What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander.  That is to say, you may think that because your ex-spouse did something, it’s okay for you to do the same.  They will not necessarily think so.

*The likelihood that your ex-spouse is going to miraculously change into a better person is slim.  And neither will you, unless you work on it.

*If you didn’t communicate well when you were married, you probably won’t communicate well now that you’re divorced.  There are notable exceptions to this rule, but you’re probably not one of them (just probabilities).

*You can improve how you relate to people by learning from your mistakes, i.e., your marriage.

*If it’s difficult for you, know that it gets better.

Mighty words of wisdom:

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.  Marcel Proust

 

Summer music:  Summertime, Janis Joplin

Eternal Sunshine of the Post-Divorced Mind

How about a machine that erases all memory of a former lover? The plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I loved but many didn’t, is about just that. It was brought to mind last night by a Radiolab show discussing erasing the memories of rats. Seriously. It’s been done.

It was valentine’s day, so I suppose it clicked for that reason as well. So would you? If you could? Completey erase your memory of a love lost? You’re no longer divorced. You were never married to begin with.

What do you get from the memory of the love, the loss, the pain?

First off, how do you ever figure out relationships if you don’t learn from the ones that have failed? Once you’ve gotten past the initial hurt, loss, guilt, elation, or all of the above, what can you learn? What can you take away and use to grow? How can you be better? How can you avoid the same problems?

Next, if you erased those memories, how would you be you, the person you really are? Part of the way you understand the world is through your own experiences. It’s so idiosyncratic that it makes each of us the wacky, wonderful, unique beings that we are. And let’s face it, nobody can be you as well as you.

Finally, as I’ve been saying of late, whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. How can you be stronger if you don’t remember what almost killed you? It’s part of the fabric of who you’ve become. It gives you strength and power. You become a post-divorce survivor.

Everybody’s Got to Learn Sometime, Korgis

Favorite Mistakes

And the mistakes seem to me as crucial as the successes…Richard Holmes

I found the story of Humphry Davy’s discovery of laughing gas fascinating. Not only did he serendipitously discover that it numbed pain, but then, no one wanted to use it. It seems that physicians believed that patients who expressed pain would be able to cope with surgery. They believed the pain showed that the body was fighting and it was a good thing. Ouch.

I’m reminded of people who were in painful marriages and continued, feeling they should be experiencing the pain, that it was part of a real relationship. Often these same people experience amazing relief after divorce. I’m not saying get divorced, I’m just saying that you have to listen to your pain. I hear this often about jobs . The job is painful and it’s painful to consider leaving. Continuing in the pain is perhaps not such a good thing. Continuing in one’s mistake is also perhaps not such a good thing.

It took 40 years for doctors to use nitrous oxide in surgeries. Aren’t we glad they finally figured it out? So how about you? Have you finally figured it out? What have you learned from the mistakes of your marriage? This is the glorious part of making mistakes…the ability to learn from them.

Read about the Humphry Davy story.

Listen to Sheryl Crow, My Favorite Mistake