The World According To Dunham

Whether they're 20-, 30- or 60-something, my clients often bemoan the unfairness of life. They are frequently bemused, as in "I've been so good to him, how could he have lied to me for all that time?" or, "My boss has totally got it in for me…no reason whatsoever…I don't get it." They are shocked by the randomness.

The remarkable thing about Lena Dunham's memoir is that, at a mere 27, she seems to have totally gotten how the world works, as in, "There's a lot of crap around and you can't avoid that.

I've written previously about wisdom we can glean from Dunham's Girls series. At the risk of again being accused of suffering a girl crush, I simply must relate some Dunhamisms from the memoir, applicable to your relationships.

1.  Not yet ready for prime time. Dunham notes that when you go for guys who aren't interested in you, it could be because you're not ready for sex. While she referred to her adolescence, this applies at any age and goes beyond sex. Focusing efforts on unavailable men means that, not only aren't you ready for sex, you're probably not ready for any type of intimacy, including the non-physical kind. Take your time.

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You've Said Goodbye to Your Narcissist...Wake up and Smell the Flowers

Charming, commanding and demanding, the narcissist (almost as often a woman as a man) is sure to strain even the sanest, most committed mate. So finally, you’ve had enough, either because you were pushed to the limit or because you knew it would never change. So you’ve kicked him or her out. You’re alone. Once you’ve said goodbye to your narcissist, you have to learn a few things.

Learn to:

*Be alone
*Deal with your guilt and anger
*Rely on your own judgment
*Trust your view of reality
*Love yourself as you are
*Recognize your codependence

Learning to love yourself is important, but it’s not enough. You must also learn not to attract yet another narcissist. Or if you do, you must learn to let him/her go. If you can’t do the things you need to make you happy (okay, I’m on a happiness kick which is why I started thinking about this to begin with) then you could have a narcissist on your hands.

You must:

*Be assertive and say no when appropriate
*Notice when you’re being a caretaker, which is probably what got you in trouble in the first place
*Not be controlled and give up things important to you in deference to what they want
*Notice when you’re feeling bad and take appropriate action
*Notice when you spend a lot more time stroking your partner than being stroked
*Notice when you’re wary of the mood you’re partner is going to be in

When these things are becoming increasingly difficult, you must consider the distinct possibility that you’ve involved yourself with another narcissist. Wake up and smell the flowers!

For inspiration: Annie Lennox, Pavement Cracks