Need Some Hope in the New Year?

Anne Lamott provides nuggets of hope for most of life’s most persistent worries. 

Who doesn't need hope post-divorce?

Almost Everything: Notes on Hope, by Anne Lamott, is a truly enjoyable read, or listen, which is how I experienced it. With her wry humor, wit and references to so many things that matter, it is fun and inspiring. Whether on dieting, sobriety, friendship or family, Lamott’s hopeful view shines through. There’s nothing Pollyannaish about her take on life—it comes across as sincere and authentic.

I may be prejudiced since she talks about issues I too have spoken of, but not nearly as eloquently or delightfully as she does.

A few examples so you can decide whether it’s worth the investment—or just borrow it from your local library:

1.     Chapter 4 is just one sentence which simply says:

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.

You can see what I’ve had to say about self-care which includes unplugging here.

2.     In Chapter 5, “Don't Let Them Get You to Hate. Them,” she relates wisdom from her pastor:

When my pastor calls the most difficult, annoying people in her life her grace-builders, I want to jump out the window. I am so not there yet, but I understand what she’s talking about.

3.     Chapter 6 is about writing and in one of my favs, she says:

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

And so Karma goes.

4.     Chapter 11 is all about food, dieting and the like. Of course I would love the anecdote in which she mentioned to her therapist she was going on a diet and the therapist says cheerfully:

Oh, that’s great honey, how much weight are you hoping to gain?

Lamott goes on to say:

No one talks to me that way. I got rid of her sorry ass. Well okay, maybe not then. It was 10 years later.

Got to love a woman who can take the cold, hard truth from her shrink.

Happy New Year!

Post-Divorce Myths

There are myths about everything:  depression, marriage, divorce.  But I couldn’t find many post-divorce myths.  So yours truly is going to attempt to right this wrong.

Myths I did find:

Blended families are all like the Brady bunch

Your new partner should love your kids like their own

Step-parents should be equal disciplinarians

Love conquers all problems you and your new mate may experience with the kids

We’ll all get along better now that we’re divorced

My additional myths:

No blended family is like the Brady bunch

Your new partner will not love your kids like their own

Step-parents should not be equal disciplinarians

Love will not conquer all problems you and your new mate may experience with the kids

We will not all get along better now that we’re divorced

My point:

Every family and situation is unique.  Of course all blended families are not like the Brady bunch.  Hell, most non-blended families are not like the Brady bunch.  Some partners will not love your kids anywhere near the way they love their own, but some will.  Some of you will get along a whole lot better after the divorce.  Why?

In addition to demographics like age of kids, age of parents, financial and employment situations, and the like, there are other things that make a difference.  Social support, good stress management strategies, forgiveness, gratitude and a lot of other qualities are going to affect your outcomes.  So try to focus on the things you can change, and have the wisdom to know the things you can’t change.  Final myth: you will be miserable forever.  Truth:  divorce won’t kill you, but it will make you stronger. 

Myths which are believed in tend to become true.  George Orwell

A Little Post-Divorce Wisdom

It’s summer.  Maybe you have a little more time than usual to reflect.  Wisdom is something that comes from quiet reflection and involves “expertise in the conduct and meaning of life.” These are a few things I’ve been picking up on lately from my clients, who are often quite wise.

*No matter how well meaning we are, our ex-spouse may still perceive us as diabolically underhanded and destructive.

* Always take the high road.  You won’t regret it.

* When in doubt, whether with your ex-spouse, new “friend,” or suffering children, take five, consider the consequences and carefully plan how to act.

*What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander.  That is to say, you may think that because your ex-spouse did something, it’s okay for you to do the same.  They will not necessarily think so.

*The likelihood that your ex-spouse is going to miraculously change into a better person is slim.  And neither will you, unless you work on it.

*If you didn’t communicate well when you were married, you probably won’t communicate well now that you’re divorced.  There are notable exceptions to this rule, but you’re probably not one of them (just probabilities).

*You can improve how you relate to people by learning from your mistakes, i.e., your marriage.

*If it’s difficult for you, know that it gets better.

Mighty words of wisdom:

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.  Marcel Proust

 

Summer music:  Summertime, Janis Joplin

33 Variations Post-Divorce

What I learn[ed] - and it's why I view it as a Zen play - is that if you take the time - which often old age and disease forces you to do - you slow down and take the time - you begin to see things differently. Things that might on the surface look mediocre, but that, in fact, when you pierce them and delve down into them, are beautiful. Jane Fonda,interview

Of course, I’d add that divorce, like old age and disease, forces you to slow down. And similarly, if you to do take the time, you can see things in a different light. It’s like a variation on an old theme. You’re not a different person, but you can become a wiser one.

Wisdom is the knowledge and understanding that enables us arrive at optimal judgments regarding reasoned and just behavior. How can we strive to move toward a wiser stance post-divorce?

To move closer to this ideal, we must try to answer the following questions for ourselves, a good journaling exercise.

How can you find your truth? Consider the rules you would like to live by and the kind of person you would like to be. Consider how you’d like to change things and what you’d like to keep the same.

What do you need to learn and how can you learn what you need to? Reading, talking with wise people, friends and advisors and observing carefully are all ways to become more knowledgeable and increase understanding.

What does it mean to take responsibility? After all the anger, hurt and recriminations, think about what your responsibility was and what you’d like to take responsibility for from here on out.

How do you know what’s appropriate? Carefully observe the way your behavior affects the others around you and how different attitudes affect your own sense of well-being.

As the Beethoven character in the play says: I was able to create music that never would have been possible had I been in the world of the hearing. The thing I feared most had happened, and yet it allowed me to be with my music in the most intimate ways.

33 variations On a Waltz by Diabelli, Beethoven.

Read or hear interview with Fonda.