Post-Divorce Change Requires Willpower!

One of the things I hear about a lot is the trouble people have giving up their cherished ways of thinking about their lives and behaving post-divorce:  what the future will hold; how holidays should be; what their financial situation wouldda, shouldda, couldda been; how they relate to their ex; how they talk about their marriage, etc.  The new insights about willpower can help with making changes.  Perhaps you’ve resolved in this new year (it’s still January so I’m still talking about the new year), to change your thinking or ways of relating.

Changing anything is hard.  It requires willpower.  So here are a few tips from the new book, Willpower, by Baumeister and Tierney, to help with those nagging thoughts.

1.  Willpower is like a muscle that can be strengthened.  Practice will make it stronger.  Decide what you’re going to work on, and then keep at it until it becomes a habit that you no longer have to think about or work at.  Practice may not make perfect, but it makes much better.  You can change how you think post-divorce.

2.  Willpower is like a muscle, so it can get tired.  Trying to change too many things at once will tire out that muscle.  You’ll wind up wimping out on one or more of them.  Using that muscle too much by having too much contact with your ex while you’re trying to be nice, or trying not to feel upset, will fatigue that muscle.  Talking too much about your ex while you’re trying to be nice, or trying not to feel upset, will fatigue that muscle.  That’s why texting and email are good.  They reduce the contact.

3.  Willpower draws on our mental reserves which can be depleted in a variety of ways.  Making a lot of decisions depletes mental reserves.  Other things that deplete our mental reserves include not getting proper sleep and diet.  Make sure you replenish depleted reserves as often as you can, and be aware when you’re running on empty.  Don’t take on too much when your willpower reserve is depleted.  You can accept the future post-divorce, but you don’t want to be reviewing your finances or planning for the future when you’re feeling depleted.

You must find the fine balance between exercising your willpower muscle to strengthen it, but not overworking it.  Think about willpower being like any other muscle; you can do strengthening exercises, but do too much and you risk shut down or injury.   So exercise smart.  Decide what’s important right now and choose just a couple of new year’s resolutions.

New Year’s Day, U2

You Might Prefer Singledom Post-Divorce, If…

In the new year, I like to come up with some pithy post-divorce tip.  Last year I talked about secret destinations post-divorce.  Perhaps your secret destination is that you enjoy being single.  You might prefer being single post-divorce, if you…

*enjoy your alone time.  A lot.

*aren’t all that interested in finding a new partner.

* prefer making your own decisions and handling your own problems.

*enjoy going places on your own.

*don’t mind sleeping alone most of the time.

*like to indulge in your favorite vice alone.

*like to pursue your goals solo.

*don’t have to share your latest fiasco with that special someone.

Or so says Bella DePaulo in Are You Single at Heart? in the Jan/Feb 2012 Psychology Today.  If you agree with a lot of these statements, you might be perfectly happy on your own.  It’s just a thought.

There are many breakup songs and albums.  The closest I could come to a positive break up song:  Smile, Lily Allen.

Post-Divorce Holidays…My Way

As the post-divorce years go on, sometimes we have feelings of guilt, nostalgia or anger we thought were long dormant.  It’s like a death; many years later the grief can return full-blown.  But it passes.  It’s all normal.  The key is to make the holidays your own.  Do it your way.

It’s good to take stock as the years go on.  How are you doing in your new life?  Or how would you like to be doing if it’s just beginning?   When I look back at the blogs I wrote around the holidays, I notice differences.  In 2009 I focused on helping the self (e.g., de-stressing, acceptance).  In 2010 it was more about others (e.g., being social, volunteering).  You may need to focus on some of these things this year.

It’s clear that of course we need both the self and other focus to move forward.  Consider what your goals are for the holiday.  Is it “me” time?  Is it vacation time?  Is it trying-to-enjoy-what-little-time-I-have-off time?  Is it family time?  Or perhaps it’s a combination of some of those.  Once you decide on your goal(s), you can figure out how to meet those goals.  Then you can plan some things.

For “me” time, get prepared with the things you need.  It may be books, movies, lunches with friends or a new gym membership.  Perhaps you’ll plan a volunteer activity, which also works for family time.  For vacation it may mean leaving the electronics behind, or limiting them ruthlessly.  Ditto that for family time.  If you only have a little time off, how can you plan to make the most of that time?  What will you do to make the family time fun for everyone?

The choices may be all yours to make.  Relish the freedom of making your own decisions and choices.  And do make choices.  Don’t just let things happen and allow the creeping feelings of loss sadness to take over.

And while you’re at it, think about the coming year.  What would you like to accomplish, change or begin?  Start thinking about how to make those things happen.

Whatever your focus, do it in your own unique way with your own style.  And have fun!

My Way.  Frank Sinatra

Patience is Necessary Post-Divorce, Running is Optional

I don't know if running changed my life or if I changed my life for running, but who cares really? My feet keep moving, my arms keep pumping, and my mantra keeps rolling, 'Be patient. You got this.'

Valerie DiMambro, Runner’s World Challenger

Learn more about Valerie’s challenge (essentially from couch potato to 5K) if you’re interested, but if not, you gotta love the mantra.  It’s very post-divorce in that she was post-divorce when she started running.  It’s also an interesting parallel; did divorce change your life, or did you change your life because of divorce?  Perhaps a little bit of each?

The fact is, the changes are here, and it doesn’t much matter how that happened.  What matters is what you do with it.  Patience is necessary.

When you first start running, it’s difficult.  Like most things worth doing, you have to put in the time, effort and consistency to attain mastery.  You have to have a plan. Patience is required.

Even after you’ve been running awhile, sometimes it’s still difficult.  You’re having a bad day, you didn’t sleep enough or eat enough the day before, or you ate too much.  You’ve got to stick to your plan.  Patience keeps you going.

It’s the same with the post-divorce period.  You start off and it’s difficult.  You come up with a plan.  Once you’ve been at it awhile, it gets better, but you can still have a bad day.  Perhaps you’re not taking care ofyourself, isolating or working too hard.  You’ve got to stick to your plan.  Patience gets you through.

So hang in there, and remember, be patient, you got this.

Bad day, Daniel Powter (very cute video)

Find Your Post-Divorce Lifeline

We’ve all had our personal Titanics, we’ve all had those moments where we really have not shone, and we’ve had to live through and block it out and try to face some kind of future knowing that we missed an opportunity to be bigger and better than we were.

I love that quote from Frances Wilson’s interview.   She spoke of her book about J. Bruce Ismay, who owned the Titanic and survived it’s destruction.  For many of us, divorce is our personal Titanic.  The thing that sinks us to the depths of depression, hopelessness and fear.  The thing for which we need, if not a lifeboat, at least a lifeline.

Perhaps it would be more apt to think of the marriage as the Titanic.  The thing that threatened to take us down, along with innocent bystanders.  And here’s where I think we want to take stock.  Wilson asks, How do you pick up a life after that?  There’s a difference between surviving and living.

Very true.  So what’s your lineline going to be?  Lifelines I’ve known include yoga, running, a career, friends, writing, travel, gardening, music, etc.   These things broaden us.  They change us in positive ways.  Think about it.  What’s your lifeline?  Just pick something, and see.  See if it saves you and makes you bigger and better than you were.

Just waiting for an excuse to include WoodenShips, Crosby, Stills & Nash

How to Think Post-Divorce

How is post-divorce adjustment like adjustment post-brain surgery?  Gweneviere Mann has short-term memory loss from complications from brain surgery.  Her story is poignant.  The thing I loved most was what she said about running the NYC marathon:

"You know, I have spent a lot of days since my injury comparing myself to what I used to be and feeling sad about the things that I've lost," she says. "But doing the marathon really shows me that I still have a lot left in me."

If only we could view ourselves that way post-divorce, after all of our changes and losses, eh?So how about it?

*Think about the things you can still do, not the things you can’t do

*Think about what you’ve got, not what you’ve lost

*Think about what you’re going to do, not what you’re no longer going to do

*Think about 3 things you’re grateful for, not 3 things you’re pissed off about

Most of all, be inspired by Gweneviere’s story.  Think about all you have left in you.  After all, it’s got to be a lot easier than brain surgery.

For Gweneviere: Guinnevere, Crosby, Stills & Nash

Post-Divorce Itch

How would you describe an itch, specifically, your post-divorce itch?  It may be a combination of pain, anger and hurt, with some other emotions tossed in.  Perhaps there’s relief with a dose of guilt.  It may have happened a week ago, or maybe 5 years ago.  The itch can still be there.

Uncomfortable emotions are like an itch we feel we must scratch.  It’s hard to ignore an itch.  The irony about an itch is, the more you scratch, the more it itches.  What we really want to do is learn to live with the discomfort post-divorce, and learn from it.  Like the itch from a bite, the more you let it be, the quicker it heals.

PemaChödrön says, scratching is our habitual way of trying to get away, trying to escape our fundamental discomfort, the fundamental itch of restlessness and insecurity, or that very uneasy feeling: that feeling that something bad is about to happen.

Newness and change often bring that feeling of impending doom and the dread that goes along with it.  Again, Pema Chödrön:

By learning to stay, we become very familiar with this place, and gradually, gradually, it loses its threat… abiding with the uneasy, disquieting sensation of nowhere-to-run [we find] that—guess what?—we don’t die; we don’t collapse.  In fact, we feel profound relief and freedom.

The best part of change is in the opportunities it presents.  Once you are able to life with the discomfort, and you haven’t died or gone crazy, what now?  That’s the fun part.  How would you like to create the rest of your life?

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

TheScientist, Coldplay