Dating and Your Kids: Be Smart

Of course you’re going to date.  Sometime.  The question of how to deal with the kids is common.  As usual in psychological matters, there are not hard and fast rules.  Every family is different.  Each relationship has its own challenges.

Be smart and think things through.  My suggestions for things to consider:

1.  What they need from you is going to be highly specific to your children, their ages, their maturity level, and how much they’re hurting.

2.  Consider your emotional resources.  New relationships are demanding.  Kids come first.  After the kids, your job and other people in your life, how much do you have left for new relationships?  Plan accordingly.

3.  Look for red flags in new relationship.  You know, the things that give you that oh no feeling, that trigger concerns, that you try to overlook because you feel needy.  With kids it’s especially important to pay attention to listen to your intuition and make decisions about new people accordingly.

4.  Everyone knows not to introduce children to new relationships too early.  There’s no point in allowing them to get attached when it’s not something you’re sure about.  There’s no point to have a revolving door of dates that your children consider as potential step-parents.  Of course, there are no guarantees, so you have to take a chance at some point.

5.  Be honest.  Don’t tell your kids that someone’s just a friend if they’re not.  Kids are smart.  Like adults, when they’re lied to, they have trouble trusting.  This doesn’t mean providing too much information when it’s not asked for.  But if asked, be honest and tell the truth.

6.  What if your kids reject your new person?  This is a highly individual decision as well.  Some people will not pursue a relationship if the kids are uncomfortable with it (see the movie Cyrus for an amusing, entertaining and extreme example).  You have to decide if your kids are being reasonable (perhaps picking up on one of the red flags you’re ignoring), or if they’re just not ready.  And if they’re not ready, then what?  You decide.  Taking it slower, limiting “family time” with the new person or ending the relationship are all possibilities.

There’s a lot to think about.  Being smart, or we might say, intentional, and being honest are my best recommendations.  And, of course, having fun is very important!

Post-Divorce Intentions

Mindful behavior involves intentions. In short, you consciously decide what you’d like to be doing and then set an intention to do that thing. Consider what you’d like to be doing differently post-divorce, and what intentions you might need to set to make that happen.

You have to consider the things you’re struggling with and what your intentions might be. Some of the possibilities for post-divorce intentions are:

*I notice my many positive qualities (being divorced is not my central defining characteristic).
*I am present in the moment (and not dwelling on how things were or could have been).
*I take care of things myself (even if I haven’t always done so).
*I speak only in neutral or positive terms about Jon, Jill or whoever (i.e., your ex).
*I focus on wholesome, healthy thoughts about my divorce (not unwholesome or unhealthy thoughts).
*I believe being single is a normal, healthy state (not a lowly life form just above an amoeba).

Identify your intention(s) and go through these four steps.

First, be aware of your intention. Let’s take the intention, I believe being single is a normal state. Negative thoughts that come up about being divorced (e.g., I’m a failure, Everyone is married but me, You have to be in a couple to be happy) are thoughts to notice but not dwell on.

Second, remind yourself of the intention when you notice the negative thinking. When you notice you're thinking that everyone is married except you, remind yourself that being single is normal, that many people are single, even never-married, and are perfectly normal.

Third, keep the intention in mind with some reminder you develop. You have a beloved object you’ve acquired after the divorce that you put on your dresser to remind yourself every morning that your intention is to live with the knowledge that being single is a normal, healthy state. You set a reminder on your phone that pops up every 3 hours that says, I’m a powerful, attractive person. Each is a structure you establish that reminds you of your intention.

Fourth, keep track of how you’re doing with your intention and notice the gains you make. If you feel you can do better, design a plan for doing so without criticism or judgment. Perhaps the object on your dresser is working well, but you need something at the office too. Great! Do it.

Being aware of our intentions and setting them mindfully can be a real help post-divorce.