7 Reasons You May Be Anxious About Getting Help…But Don't Be!

If there was ever a time you might want to consider getting some professional help, post-divorce is certainly that time. But people often have anxiety about moving forward to coaching or therapy. My article is about why you should not let your worries stop you. It starts like this...


Many of us love the holidays. Perhaps an equal number loathe them. Either way, they're filled with stress. Visiting one's dysfunctional family, or not seeing said family, giving or receiving the right gifts, being with a challenging partner or feeling alone, these are just a few of the issues that come up for us this time of year.

A surprising number of my psychotherapy clients tell me they worry that they won't have enough to talk about to fill the 45 minutes. My coaching clients sometimes have concerns about how well they're using the time. Many clients come to me saying how long they've waited before finally making the call to schedule an appointment.

These are some of the specific concerns I hear and the reasons they should NOT keep you from getting some help:  

1. My issues are boring. Starting therapy or coaching does not mean you are entering a contest for who has the most interesting, exotic or unique life. Your difficulties, be they holiday concerns, boyfriend problems, problems with your sister, boss or children, are the stuff of therapy and coaching. Yes, people all over the world are fighting for freedom, suffering injustice and the like, but I'm there to guide you through your procrastination, insomnia or panic, not to end world hunger. 

Read more here... 

 

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7 Ways We Rationalize The Happiness Out Of Life

One of the post-divorce tasks we all face is finding our happiness. Here are some tips from an article originally published on YourTango.

As I approach a birthday, one with a ginormous number, a wise coach posed the question: If not now, when? I was grumbling about how I hadn't been getting enough done but I really wanted to spend more time reading, watching movies and the World Cup, in other words, engaging in activities that would result in getting even less done. If not now, when?, she asked.

My coach had a valid point. Perhaps you use some of these same rationalizations, as you avoid pursuing your passions and desires: 

1.  I'll do it next year. It might be the big trip you've been talking about for eons. Perhaps time and/or money are getting in the way of you taking that Alaskan cruise or visiting India. These are my fantasy trips, not yours, but surely you have a place you've always wanted to go? Or that thing you've been hoping to get to do? 

Read more here... 

Are You A Mama's Boy (Or Girl)?

Is being married to a mama's boy or girl one of the issues in your divorce? Or are you one yourself?

We've all heard the stories about millennials being so close with family they take their moms with them on job interviews. My immediate reaction was that we are witnessing a generation of  mama's boys and girls. Yes, I said girls. Woman can suffer from the same overinvolved, enmeshed relationships with their mothers that guys do. 

Mama's boy has a pejorative ring, like Don Juan or gold digger, for good reason. I've said, in these pages, If you want a baby to take care of, then have a baby, don't marry one. As we approach mother's day, consider that your mother might prefer a grown up son…or daughter. 

Typically, sometime during or after adolescence, you psychologically separate from your parents. You become a unique individual with your own set of ideas, beliefs and morals. You establish adult relationships with your parents. If you didn't have secrets before, you definitely have them now.

Mama's boys and girls do not manage the separation and individuation well. They remain attached in ways that can suffocate new relationships. Sometimes the problem behaviors are couched in religious, ethnic or regional cloaks, like, you must always respect your parents, or, your elders are always right.

Read more here...

Post-Divorce Optimism, or, Try to Love Again

What a gross oversight.  No blog entry on post-divorce optimism.  Faced with the sometimes devastating but always distressing aftermath of divorce, your optimism will be put to the test.  You know, optimism, that ability to see the bright side, to think positively and to have hope.  Where has it gone? 

Martin Seligman, in his book Learned Optimism,  suggests a number of steps you can take to counter your pessimism, should it rear its ugly head.  The basic idea is to argue with yourself against the negative thinking.  There are several steps.

For example, to counter the pessimistic thought, I’ll never meet anyone I can love again:

What’s the evidence?  Well, I’ve met people before, and I don’t really have a tough time meeting people.  Or maybe I do have a hard time meeting people and this is something I might want to work on.  I know several people who’ve divorced and remarried or gotten involved with someone new so there’s nothing keeping the same from happening for me. 

What’s an alternative thought process?  It may be difficult, but if I really want to meet someone, I know there are steps I can take.

What are the implications of the belief?  To hold the belief that I’ll never love again is just going to keep me from moving ahead.  If I’m open to the possibility that I might love again, that gives me a direction to move in.

What’s the utility of the belief?  The negative belief keeps me stuck and feeling bad.  It makes me feel that I’m not lovable.  If I believe that I’m lovable then I might be able to meet someone I want to love.  Getting rid of the negative belief allows me to try to meet someone, try to be happy single or try to focus on other things in my life right now.

It all goes back to one of the basic premises of cognitive therapies, you can’t always believe what you think.  Likewise, in coaching, sometimes you have to find your optimism when it gets lost in the post-divorce miasma.  Identify one of your pessimistic thoughts and go through the steps.  Asking the tough questions can help you move ahead.

The First Cut is the Deepest.  Sheryl Crow

Move into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey

Could you use a push to help you head into the new year with new energy? This is your invitation to attend a free 2-session teleseminar where participants will have an opportunity to raise questions and get down and dirty to find solutions to the post-divorce doldrums.

This free teleseminar will help you address the challenges of moving on from a long-term relationship by:

* Establishing a positive post-divorce mindset

* Using personal strengths to move forward

* Learning to enjoy this new journey

Coaching helps you learn to use your strengths in unique ways and challenges you to use your resources to effectively negotiate new terrain.

This teleseminar begins in February, 2011

Contact me now to sign up!

Instructions: Upon email registration you will be provided with details about this teleseminar.

Feel free to pass this invitation on to anyone who could use an opportunity to raise questions about their situation and get down and dirty to find solutions to the post-divorce doldrums.