Gone online to meet someone
post-divorce is a great idea. But beware, if you had no doubts before, surely
after the Manti Te'o fiasco
you are taking a hard look at your online relationships.
If you're not, I'm here to suggest that you do so. It's important to be smart
about online relationships. Recognize them for what they are and accept their limitations.
Questions to ask:
·
Q. Should I be concerned
that s/he doesn't want to meet me offline?
A. Yes! You should
absolutely be concerned if s/he only wants to talk online. Not wanting a real
face-to-face says s/he definitely has something to hide. It could be the same
thing that explains why s/he's never available in the evening or on the
weekend. Someone who doesn't want to meet you is not a girl/boyfriend, friend
or any other type of intimate. They're just someone you talk to online.
·
Q. Why am I always the
one initiating contact?
A. Great
question. It's easy to be a little needy post-divorce. Men are even more likely
to feel a need to jump right into another relationship. Guys, it may not be fun, but it's okay to feel a little pain
and it's probably necessary to really move on. Bottom line, although she's
quick to respond and flirt when you contact her, it's still a sign that she might not be that into you.
In fact, it's a sign that she's likely not that into you. Set a timeframe
during which the relationship has to progress. If it doesn't, it's time to move
on.
·
Q. Am I spending too much time with people online?
A. Maybe.
Your high school boyfriend, with whom many re-establish contact post-divorce, who
you haven't seen in 15 years, is not your boyfriend. Why are you spending hours
chatting him up online? It didn't work out the first time, right? You might
consider what you are not doing that you would be doing if you spent less time
online. Like having dinner with your
friends or working out at the gym where you might meet a real boyfriend. Consider
adopting a rule of spending at least as much time with real-life friends as
on-line friends. You can also try a little technology
cleanse.
·
Q. How long do I go without a face-to-face?
A. I'm
talking in person, not Face Timing or Skyping. What are you getting out of the online
contact and what are you missing out on? One
recent
study concluded that only real-life friends
lead us to feel happier. Another
study found that you can have a lot of
online friends, but you won't feel supported by them the same way you do by
your real-life friends. This is particularly true for people after a breakup. Online chats,
texts and even phone calls are for getting to know someone. Once that's done,
it's time to move on and meet up, or end it.
·
Q. Why can't I
find her on Goggle?
A. I'll bet
Manti wishes he'd asked himself this question. Not everyone has a huge internet
presence, but you can tell where they ought to show up. Someone who graduates
from Stanford should appear on an alumni list and a professional should be
listed on a licensing website. The absence of this type of confirmation ought
to raise your suspicions. You can always ask the person about it. Any
reasonable person meeting online would understand your desire for a little
concrete validation that they're who they say they are. After all, people lie.
Fake Friends, Joan Jett
Just don't lie -- however tempting that may be! Saying you don't have kids isn't just misleading, it can factor into custody decisions if your ex can get a screen grab (see - http://www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/newjersey-law-divorce-separation/more-dating-site-profiles-used-as-divorce-evidence/). Also, if you check off any kind of income box, and you're bragging, you may be called on the carpet to prove your income, if your spouse thinks you should be paying more in support or your hiding assets. This goes way beyond putting up a photo of your pre-bald days!
ReplyDeleteIt can only be considered spending too much time online if you aren’t taking care of things and if your family sees it as a problem.
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