My Post-Divorce Challenge

One of my July 4^th post-divorce traditions is to run a local 10K.  I run it with 59,999 of my closest friends.  It’s the biggest 10K in the world.  It’s a huge party with music and crowds cheering along the way.  It’s fun.  And it’s a challenge for me.  Although I’ve been running for many years, I just started running in races 7 years ago.  I’m not trying to break any records except my own, but starting out in Atlanta’s July heat and facing 6.2 increasingly hot miles is a stretch.  When I finish I feel great.  They say that finishing a marathon means there’s not a lot you can’t do.  Well, I say finishing a 10K means the same thing.

I’m a bit reluctant to juxtapose this experience with the US women’s soccer team winning their game against Brazil today, but humor me.  It was an incredible game with heartbreaking calls and a tying goal in, literally, the 122^nd minute of the 2^nd overtime.  It was a beautiful display of grit, the combination of perseverance and passion for a goal (no pun intended).  Those women were not giving up any time soon and you could see it in their faces.

In fact, finishing most difficult things can leave you with the feeling that you can conquer the world.  Challenging yourself is a way to get tough.  Challenging yourself makes you more confident. It doesn’t have to be a physical challenge.  How about learning to do something you never really thought you could do, like speak French or play the guitar?  Persevering and getting it done lead to the end result of increased confidence and toughness.  So accept my challenge:  pick a challenge for yourself and see it through.  It’ll help you get that mental toughness and grit you need for the post-divorce challenges.

Post-Divorce Foes and Fixes

I’ll admit it.  I’ve totally stolen these from Greg Melville’s articleabout common race foes.  But let’s face it, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a race, a post-divorce adjustment or a book.  The mental game is always the same.  Melville identifies four mental foes that get in the way on race day.  See how they apply to you.

* Your inner worry wart.  You know, the guy that leads you to question everything about your ability to function as a person, a partner and a worthwhile human being.  The fix…imagine yourself succeeding at whatever it is.  Whether it’s a date, paying the bills or getting rid of the mouse in the basement, visualize yourself doing it and doing it effectively and well.

* Your inner slacker.  This guy says there’s no hurry, you’ll figure things out eventually.  That’s true, you will figure things out eventually, but why wait?  You only have one life, and it’s short.  The fix…keep moving and working to get outside your comfort zone.  Think big and outside the box.  Try new things.  Get creative. 

* Your inner competitor.  This guy causes you to assess your abilities against everyone else’s, whether  that’s helpful or not.  Often, it’s not so helpful.  The fix…in the race of life it’s just you, trying to do your personal best.   You can learn from others who are successful, but don’t compare and be sure to enjoy your journey. 

* Your inner quitter.  This guy really makes you doubt you have the energy or grit to finish. You could cancel that date, pay the bills late and leave the mouse in the basement.  The fix…the urge to quit will pass.  Keep on with determination and grit.  You’ll get a second wind.

Don’t let any foes get in the way of living a happy and fulfilling life.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life.  Enjoy the Journey. 

Fix You, Coldplay

The Post-Divorce Marathon

Instead of focusing on all the things I can't control, I am enjoying the moments in front of me. The marathon is going to be an amazing journey and I get the chance to write the ending.

Shalane Flanagan, Marathoner

Call it grit, perseverance or resilience. Post-divorce, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to bounce back from the stress and changes. There are some things that help:

*Chose your goals. It may be running 26 miles, changing jobs, getting out more or learning to play the violin. Whatever your goals, make sure they’re attainable and challenging, and that you can feel passionate about them.

*Balance past, present and future orientation. Learn from the past but don’t dwell on the mile you could have finished faster. Savor your present successes; notice how good they feel and how well you’re doing. Look toward the future, striving to make needed changes and attain goals. Don’t spend too much time anyplace but the present.

*Call in the pacers. Friends and family help us work toward goals and enjoy the present. They can help us find the tools we need to get where we’re going and support us to the finish line. Learn from those who were successful and ask for what you need.

*Dedicate yourself. You don’t finish a marathon by chance. You have to be committed to running through pain and continuing when the ultimate goal just a faint memory. It’s the same post-divorce. Be committed to yourself and your future. Even when it gets tough, keep your eye on the finish line.

I’m not saying you have to run 26 miles. I’m simply suggesting you look toward writing your own happy ending.

The Distance. Cake