I
know how difficult it is to consider returning
to the dating scene after a long marriage or relationship has ended. I like
speed dating for getting back into the dating world. One of the benefits of
speed dating is that you don't have to experience the same kind of rejection.
It's not in your face rejection. It's not even on the phone rejection. It's
just computer rejection when your list matches, or doesn't, with theirs. This is a good way to get your feet wet. For
those who can't quite accept the on-line
dating idea, speed dating can be a compromise. It's not like a
traditional date, but it's also not a totally virtual date, with all the
attendant worries about who this person really is.
Here's
the thing about speed dating, women have more power in the speed dating area. Not
surprisingly the research shows women are more selective in their speed dating
choices. Other non-surprising findings
for women: be attractive; don't be more ambitious or intelligent
than your prospective date. Hold on! If women are the "deciders" in
speed dating, I have to say that there's no gain in dumbing down. Instead, be
as ambitious and intelligent and you want to be. As far as attractiveness, I
suspect you're as attractive as you feel. I wouldn't worry about it. As with
shopping for shoes or cars, too
many choices is overwhelming and tends to result in fewer dates. You
might want to try a speed dating group that's not too large.
The
findings are a little different for men. A Stanford
study found that it's important for men to be enthusiastic, to listen,
and to focus on the woman's concerns in conversation. In other words, it's not
all about you. Men should ask about things related to what the woman is saying.
Don't just ask random questions to fill the time. Guys, that means you need to
be engaged
and understanding.
The
research
on salespeople has a lot to offer both men and women. Talk, but not too
much. Listen, but not to the point that you seem like you have nothing to say.
Show your understanding
and engagement by mirroring. If they sit straight, you do the same. If
they touch, you touch. Keep in mind that waitresses that touch get
bigger tips. Make it a friendly touch; nothing too suggestive.
Go
into the speed dating with your expectations in check and your intentions
clear. Decide if you're just having fun. It could be an experiment in getting
back into the dating scene and you're going to see how it goes. You might be
practicing your social skills and reducing your anxiety about dating again. If
you're looking for your dream-date remember, it's not about quantity, it's
about quality. Of course, it's always good to start with a few good tips and a
great pair of shoes.
