Post-Divorce Post-Infidelity Recovery Skills

In addition to coping with the post-divorce period, you may also be coping with the aftermath of infidelity and affairs in your relationship. Speed up your recovery from infidelity using self-care, resilience and optimism.

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Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

The Divorce Hotel

On these pages I write of the post-divorce experience.  I’ve written about post-divorce gifts and celebrations.  But this pre-divorce experience simply takes the cake (which I’ve also written about) so to speak.  You’ve gotta have some dough to be able to check into the divorce hotel.

It’s just what it sounds like.  Check in married.  Check out divorced.  And as Tom Miller was shrewd enough to note, you get some hot hotel sex in between.  If you play your cards right, perhaps your favorite room service treats as well.

Does this cheapen and undermine the sanctity of marriage?  I would posit that anything that makes the divorce process easier is a good thing.  It won’t make it any easier to decide to divorce.  People won’t be saying, Oh, let’s get a divorce so we can go to the divorce hotel, will they? It might just ease a little of the stress around the nuts and bolts of the thing.

Really, I just posted this hoping my unsuspecting readers would get a little chuckle.  Anything that creates humor post-divorce is definitely a good thing.

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off, Billie Holiday

Post-Divorce Growth…After They Go, Grow

A run has never returned me exactly the same. I go, I grow. Kristin Armstrong, Runner’sWorld.com

This quote was my inspiration for revising my thinking about before and after. “Before,” as in before one of the partners goes, and “after,” as in after they go, or post-divorce. The “before” is often a rose-colored view of the way we were. It’s like when someone with whom you had a terribly conflicted relationship dies, and you remember only the good times. It’s nice, but unrealistic. I’m not suggesting you dwell on the “before” negatives.  But when it comes to post-divorce, I hear a lot of negatives about the “after.”

Making “after” a growth experience is the tricky part post-divorce.  After a run it’s easy.  You are more energized, calm, centered, de-stressed, confident or happy.  Consider how this can be the case after they go.

My suggestions are:

·         Identify one thing that’s better now, like having the whole bed to yourself or being criticized less often.

·         Name something you can do now that you couldn’t do before, like spend more time with your best friend.

·         What’s one thing you can do now without having to consult with anyone (e.g., deciding what to have for dinner, which movie to watch, where to go on vacation)?

·        How are you more self-reliant than you were before (e.g., you too can figure out how to change a fluorescent fixture and get a bat out of your garage)?

·        How are you better than you were before? Maybe you’re less worried and anxious and more fun to be around.

It’s true; before and after are very different, and not always in a good way.  See if you can identify the positive changes you’ve already made.  Think about the changes you’d like to make right now.  And remember, after they go, you grow.

Forgive me for repeating this song.  The Way We Were, Barbra Streisand

You Gotta Have Heart Post-Divorce

There's no magic to running far or climbing Everest. Endurance is mental strength. It's all about heart.  Bear Grylls, Adventurer

When you suffer a loss, it’s really difficult to see that you’re going to feel better.  It may not be tomorrow, or next week, and it may not even be next month, but at some point, if you keep going, you will feel better.  You will get to the top of the mountain if you have the heart.  In fact, if you really notice how you feel on a regular basis, you’ll notice that some minute, or hours, you actually feel better right now.

Normal mood fluctuates.  No one feels great every minute or terrible every minute.  So even when you’re down and out, your kid does something funny, you watch a funny scene in a movie, you have a good run or swim or conversation…these things make us feel good, and better than we did the moment before they happened.  You’re not on the summit, but there’s progress and you can start to take heart that you’re making it.  You have to notice those good moments.

In the beginning, those good feelings don’t last quite long enough to feel representative of a real cure.  Those good moments don’t seem to add up to a day.  Maybe they don’t even add up to an hour.  But noticing the good feelings and putting them together in a string of happy moments can start to add up to a solid amount of time if you have the heart for it.  One day you notice you had a good morning.  Soon, it’s a good day.  After awhile, you’re having good days, then weeks.  You are almost at the peak.

I’m suggesting that you make a point to notice:

• the moments that feel better
• the things that make you feel better
• the progress you’re making
• the increasing amount of good times

All you really need is heart.

You gotta have hope, musn’t sit around and mope

You’ve Gotta Have Heart, Damn Yankees

Need Some Willpower Post-Divorce?

Trying to get back on track post-divorce?  Need to start a wellness program, work more hours or start dating?  Willpower and self-control help.

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Post-Divorce Decision-Making Overwhelm

Having talked with many post-divorcers, I believe divorce often finds us suffering with a decision-making deficit.  I’ve written about how the decision-making issues can arise because there are too many decisions.  And there is a myriad of decisions.  There are decisions about where to live, who to live with, what to do about the kids, the job, the friends, the ex, and so forth.  We know that having many decisions to make strains our ability to make good choices.  It can be overwhelming.

How does this happen?  Instead of just having too many decisions, perhaps it has something to do with the choices we make in our marriage.  In some marriages, there are few decisions to make, most being made by a highly controlling spouse.  In other marriages, decision-making power is often abdicated to a spouse.  I’m suggesting that when you don’t have to make a lot of choices, you start to forget how to make choices.  Then when you have lots to make, you’re out of  practice and it’s easily overwhelming.

My tips for those relearning decision-making:

1.  Try not to make too many decisions all at once.  Figure out what needs to be decided today, and keep a list of the other things to get to when you have more decision-making energy.

2.  HALT.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?  Don’t make any decisions under these conditions.  Eat, sleep, get with a friend and de-stress.  Then decide.

3.  Get the info.  Read, google, listen to podcasts, do whatever you do to get information.  Think it over.  Consider the possibilities and options.  Look at the consequences.  Then come up with your choice, or top choices.

4.  Consult.  Talk to friends, colleagues, anyone with information or insight into the issue and get their input.  You still make the decision, but even the presidents of the united states and general motors don’t make decisions on their own.  They use advisors.

5.  Sit with it.  If you don’t have to decide today and it’s a big decision, wait a couple of days.  Let the ideas come together.  Then revisit your decision and see if it still looks good.

6.  Practice acceptance.  Once you’ve gone through your steps, go with it and enjoy.  If you haven’t made the best choice, you’ll figure it out and do what you can for damage control.  You’ll learn something.  Next time, you’ll make a better choice.

It’s wonderful to hear people excited about buying their first car or home on their own.  It doesn’t have to be overwhelming.  The big win: there’s a huge sense of empowerment that comes with making one’s own decisions.

I’m So Tired, The Beatles

Post-Divorce Freedom

Running gives freedom. When you run you can determine your own tempo. You can choose your own course and think whatever you want. Nobody tells you what to do.  Nina Kuscik, Marathoner.

Think about that quote.  Now think about what how that quote applies to post-divorce life.

Running gives freedom, as in lack of constraints.  When you’re divorced, you have a similar lack of constraints.  You can totally do your own thing.  Once you get through the pain, the freedom is uplifting.

You determine your own tempo.  How you go about your week, how fast or how slow, is completely up to you.  Sleep in on Saturday?  Go out for brunch on Sunday?  You determine the pace.

Choose your own course.  Going back to school?  Taking an art class?  Going to Florida with the kids for spring break?  Be unconventional if you’d like.  You get to choose.

Think whatever you want.  Voting for Obama?  Happy about your new apartment?  Believe that your parents moving next door is okay?  It’s completely up to you and you don’t have to change your thinking for anyone else.

Nobody tells you what to do.  My personal favorite.  No matter how good the marriage was, there is a strong tendency for spouses to boss one another.  It’s so good not to be bossed.

Consider what this new freedom and independence offers.  Figure out one thing you’d like to do this week, then do it.  The next time you question what you think, just go with it.  Relish the fact that there’s no one that can tell you what to do.  And run with the freedom.

Freedom, Paul McCartney