How To STOP Feeling Lazy, Guilty & Selfish For Taking Care Of Yourself

Now more than ever, you need to take care of you. Here's my recent piece on giving yourself permission for self-care.

Women tell me all the time how they want to slow down and take time out from their busy lives to chill, but they can't.

They tell me there's way too much to do to keep things going in their world, and no one else to do it.

Besides, they tell me, taking time for myself is selfish.

They tell me doing stuff for the kids, partner, parents, grandparents, friends, dogs, cats, is more important than me-time.

When they do make time for exercise, yoga, painting or a class, they feel guilty. Isn't cooking and freezing meals for the next decade, helping kids with their homework and vacuuming dog hair for the umpteenth time this week more important than self-improvement?

When they sit and read, take a walk or meditate for 30 minutes they wonder if they're being lazy. What about the cabinets to be cleaned, the extra work they could be doing at their job or preparing the gourmet meal their partner would be thrilled with?

The oxygen-on-the-plane metaphor is something I often invoke. Everyone understands that if you can't breathe you can't help your 4-year-old breathe. Think of taking a little time for solitude as something to help you breathe.

Read more here...

3 Ways To Build A Super Strong Bromance (Because Guys Need Friends, Too!)

One of the things that's really helpful post-divorce is your friends. If you're like many guys, you may have neglected friendships, so here's my take on building them back up...

There are have been a lot of famous bromances throughout history. Explorers Lewis and Clark. Presidents Adams and Jefferson. Authors J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. President Obama and VP Biden. And, of course, a bromance for the ages: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

But don't laugh at or make light of the bromance! Because research shows that relationships — friendships included —  are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Yes, your (or your man's) bromance might just help him live longer!

That's because loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress.

According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common.

But we may not teach boys and men how to be good friends. 

Read more here…

7 Self-Help Tips From My Yoga Practice

Post-divorce we are always seeking ways to move calm down, move forward and stretch. Here's my latest piece to help with all of these.

I'm never quite sure if yoga imitates life, or vice versa. I am sure the lessons I learn from my yoga practice are the same lessons my clients and friends often struggle with.

Certainly, yoga reduces anxiety and improves mood, but the practice is compelling for its subtle teachings. Whether it's recovering from the breakup, improving your health and wellness, or trying to balance work, family and life, applying these principles will help you grow.

1.      No one is perfect. In yoga, the pose that was so accessible yesterday may feel impossible today. Our bodies are different each day. So are our minds. While yesterday you worked, got the kid to soccer, got your steps in, made dinner and it all felt seamless, tomorrow is a different animal. One hiccup can throw everything off. The angry boss, the veggies you thought you had ready for that healthy meal, or the back pain you woke up with, each can undermine our best laid plans. No one can do it all, all the time. Stop beating yourself up and just order the pizza.

Read more here...

When It Rains, It Pours: The Ups And Downs Of Life

Accidents, death and Robin Williams can teach you to turn heartbreak into optimism and action. 

As a self-employed member of the sandwich generation, no matter what happens, I have to try to keep working. In the last five days, my son broke his foot, my mother sprained her ankle and I learned that a colleague, 10 years younger than I, was killed in a car accident. And Robin William died. Talk about a downpour.

My son is halfway across the country, almost 21, and said I didn't need to come. He has his teammates, trainers, coaches, gf and her parents. This being the first week of soccer pre-season, it's heartbreaking. I hope he will learn more about coping with adversity and grow stronger for this experience.

There's nothing to be done about my colleague who was also halfway across the country. It's heartbreaking but it reminds me that life is short and I must try even harder to use my time wisely. 

Read more here...

 

Change Your Thoughts And Your Life Will Change

One of your big post-divorce tasks will be to change the way you do things. This YourTango post will give you some ideas about how to make that happen. 

It starts off like this:

 The way you do one thing is the way you do everything has been rattling around in my head since January, the day I heard it twice in one single day. When something strikes me as interesting, and then it comes up again, I figure it might be important. I also apply this strategy when listening as a therapist or coach, evidence that the adage applies for me. 

People come to me seeking change. They want to change their mood, their habits, their careers, their relationships, or their parenting style, among other things. It's wonderful to decide you want to make important changes in your life. 

The problem is that the way you do one thing does seem to be the way you do most things. Notice I got rid of everything. There's Perfect Pete, rarely coloring outside the lines, desperately following the rules, despite the misery it brings.  Read more here...

 

How To Up Your Wellness Quotient Post-Divorce

It goes without saying that divorce is a stressful time. What people often don't realize is that it's the stress which makes it the right time to examine your wellness plan. I know, you probably don't have one, and, being so stressed out, you think you don't have time to create one. In fact, it's times like these that you absolutely, positively must make time to take care of yourself. It can take surprisingly little time to up your wellness quotient just a bit. 

The first thing to consider is what wellness means to you. I suggest a three-pronged approach in which you consider your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I'm not a purist as to how you might define each. What's important is that you spend a little time on each area assessing how you're doing, what's going well and what's not going so well.

Many of my clients look at their physical status once the divorce dust settles. When you're thinking of dating it's hard not to think about what shape you're in. Read more here...

Post-Divorce Post-Infidelity Recovery Skills

In addition to coping with the post-divorce period, you may also be coping with the aftermath of infidelity and affairs in your relationship. Speed up your recovery from infidelity using self-care, resilience and optimism.

See my post on YourTango.

Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw