Six Steps To A Decluttered Home

 

Sometimes after a divorce you feel the need to rid yourself of the detritus of the marriage. This piece is about decluttering the easy way. It starts like this:

Despite recent evidence suggesting that a cluttered desk leads to a creative (not cluttered) mind, I'm determined to declutter. It's difficult to be creative when you can't find your ideas buried in piles of articles, legal pads, and journals, or elsewhere on tiny scraps of paper and sticky notes. Not that you could tell by looking, but I prefer the aesthetic of a neat, organized workspace.

Maintaining a clean and organized space doesn't have to be a multiple-hour ordeal that ends with a sore body. The secret lies in creating a simplified routine that works best for you and avoids overwhelming you.

Read more here...

Could Pickleball Be Your post-Divorce Happiness Hack?

 

 Photo by Aleksander Saks on Unsplash

If you're like me, you were looking for social things to do post-divorce. This is the beginning of my piece about pickleball, happiness and well-being:

When an announcement for a beginner’s pickleball class appeared in my inbox I wondered if it might be just the opportunity I needed. It could be a chance to replace the casual social connections I’d lost during covid, when my yoga and running buddies fell by the wayside for various reasons. The absence of those social connections created a happiness and well-being deficit. The conversations we have, sharing little snippets of life, sometimes over the course of years, don’t seem like much, until they’re gone. This is especially true if, like me, you work from home.

Read more here...

A Few Tips for Friends of the Divorced

Jancee Dunn has some really good tips for friends of divorced people. It includes some that are perhaps obvious, like invite your friend to do things. There are others that aren't so obvious, like don't trash the ex.

 It's worth a read here...

What Makes A Marriage Work Long-Term?

 

Ready to get back out into dating and relating? 

In "25 Experts Explain What Choices Make A Marriage Actually Work Long-Term," you'll find suggestions for making your new relationship be the best it can be. My recommendation is:

Always make new memories. Communicate, compromise and connect. 

Talking and listening lead to essential compromise on the changes that inevitably occur as the years go by. 

Connect by doing things together, creating new memories, and you keep things fresh!

Read more here...

Need Some Hope in the New Year?

Anne Lamott provides nuggets of hope for most of life’s most persistent worries. 

Who doesn't need hope post-divorce?

Almost Everything: Notes on Hope, by Anne Lamott, is a truly enjoyable read, or listen, which is how I experienced it. With her wry humor, wit and references to so many things that matter, it is fun and inspiring. Whether on dieting, sobriety, friendship or family, Lamott’s hopeful view shines through. There’s nothing Pollyannaish about her take on life—it comes across as sincere and authentic.

I may be prejudiced since she talks about issues I too have spoken of, but not nearly as eloquently or delightfully as she does.

A few examples so you can decide whether it’s worth the investment—or just borrow it from your local library:

1.     Chapter 4 is just one sentence which simply says:

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.

You can see what I’ve had to say about self-care which includes unplugging here.

2.     In Chapter 5, “Don't Let Them Get You to Hate. Them,” she relates wisdom from her pastor:

When my pastor calls the most difficult, annoying people in her life her grace-builders, I want to jump out the window. I am so not there yet, but I understand what she’s talking about.

3.     Chapter 6 is about writing and in one of my favs, she says:

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

And so Karma goes.

4.     Chapter 11 is all about food, dieting and the like. Of course I would love the anecdote in which she mentioned to her therapist she was going on a diet and the therapist says cheerfully:

Oh, that’s great honey, how much weight are you hoping to gain?

Lamott goes on to say:

No one talks to me that way. I got rid of her sorry ass. Well okay, maybe not then. It was 10 years later.

Got to love a woman who can take the cold, hard truth from her shrink.

Happy New Year!

Eulogy For My Post-Divorce Cat

 

The loss of a pet yields a unique type of grief.

Some people’s, post-divorce acquisition is a home, other’s a car, but since I got the house and did not need a new car, mine was a cat. It’s a rite of passage for the newly single, perhaps the first time they have made a major purchase solo. Or, as in my case, the first time in a long time.

The cat was not really a solo acquisition. It was my son and me. It was the first big thing we did together post-divorce that was just the two of us.

Eighteen and a half years ago we drove to a double-wide in a slightly more rural area than ours, too close to the city to be country, but too far and wild to be suburban. It felt like an adventure.

She was a beautiful, tiny kitten billed as Siamese, which the mother clearly was, the father clearly not. It was one of those situations where, you’ve come this far, can you walk away kittenless? Of course not. I did not point out that she was obviously only half Siamese. Truth be told, I was a little afraid to question the sellers who didn’t look like they were too interested in bargaining.

Read more here...

The Quest to Mindfully Engage with the Moment

I wish I had these mindfulness skills when I divorced. This is the start of my recent piece about mindfulness, being present in the moment and all things letting go...

Learning to let go of each moment in order to be fully present in this moment is key to mindfulness.

 Being present in the moment is a mindfulness essential. Unless you've willfully ignored 15 years of health and wellness articles, you know that research shows that mindfulness meditation improves health and wellbeing in a variety of ways (e.g., it reduces anxiety, depression and blood pressure). The jury is in: Cultivating mindfulness makes a lot of sense.

To be in this moment, you must release all those moments that came before. This idea of letting go of each moment before the present moment, which, by the way, is now past, is one of those persnickety meditation conundrums.

How do you let go of those moments? While it's easy to let go of a neutral moment, perhaps a thought about what you want to have for dinner, you must also let go of positive moments. That's not to say that you should not savor your successes—you absolutely must. But not when you're trying to focus on the present. Wins are a lot easier to release.

The most challenging to release are those moments with a negative tone. Maybe it's a memory of why you chose one path instead of another, or something as small as why you said one thing instead of another. Our mistakes, missteps and other misses tend to be very sticky. We seem to have a paradoxical need to hang onto them.

Continue reading here... 

 

Coping with Anxiety is Not One Size Fits All

Whether your anxiety predates your divorce or the pandemic, the solution is unique to you.

Photo by Tom Fisk from Pexels

During the pandemic I learned I am an ambivert. It was the A.Word.A.Day, word of the day one day and it fits. Neither introvert nor extravert, ambiverts, according Anu Garg, have qualities of both.

It brings to mind something I’ve been pondering during this pandemic—the notion that one size does not fit all, whether in clothing or people. Be it those one-size-fits-all running hats, how introverted you are, how you cope with your anxiety or how you grieve a loss, we are all different and we need and want different things.

My head is simply too small for those alleged one-size-fits-all hats. I am, as I mentioned, neither intro- nor extravert—it depends on the situation and my mood. I like to run to reduce anxiety, a passion not everyone can relate to for coping. I grieve quietly, privately, unobtrusively, and can still feel the pain years later as it if were yesterday, clearly not a mode of grieving that works for everyone.

Back to the pandemic, some of my clients and friends have been more anxious during the past year. Some previously quite anxious are, oddly, less anxious—the true introverts, I suspect. They do not mind working remotely, the absence of dinners out with friends or not having parties to attend.

Read more here...

 

How Many Therapists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

One—it takes one therapist to change a lightbulb. But it really has to want to change.

You're post-divorce and there are a lot of changes you think you might like to make. 

And in these trying times, when we’re all trying to control anxiety and depression about the state of the world, learning to change how you react is a process. My yoga practice helps keep me grounded in how to learn, something we adults often lose sight of.

When you embark on a yoga practice like Ashtanga, you must have an intention to master the poses, breath and flow.

Fully committing to the practice is essential for progress. It’s not that it has to be done daily. It’s more that you practice on some type of regular basis with the goal of being all in.

Experimentation is required. Does it work better this way, or that way?

It’s not about comparing yourself to others. It’s about comparing yourself to yourself. Wow! I couldn’t do this when I started.

You don’t want to phone it in. Even if it’s a crappy day and you can’t do half of what you did just two days ago. You want to be present and mindful.

These principles of learning (intention to achieve mastery, commitment to regular practice, willingness to experiment, being fully present and mindful) relate to a lot of things in life. I think they relate directly to the process of change.

If you want to change your reactions to anxiety-provoking or depressing situations, you must follow these principles as you would to learn anything. And, of course, you really have to want to change.

 

How To Keep Calm And Carry On Despite COVID-19 Concerns

You may be stressing about not being partnered during this crazy pandemic. Everyone is stressed and we have more in common than not. So post-divorce, these same suggestions from a recent piece I wrote are for you.

One of the (many) atypical things about COVID-19, is that the people helping you cope are experiencing and coping with the same thing, at the same time. Whatever your profession, you’re probably also a parent, partner, adult child or friend, and, as we try to help others through this pandemic, we are also trying to help ourselves.

Even as we recognize that everyone has their own specific large and small crises, we can still have a great deal of understanding and empathy, by virtue of being in the same boat.

Whether you have to separate your child from their grandparents, be mindful of your, or someone else’s, compromised immune system, or console your high school grad who will be missing experiences they’ve anticipated for years, there’s still a lot of common ground.

There are some things we must all figure out in order to cope.

How do we manage (a lot of) unstructured time?

Due to a meeting cancelled at the eleventh hour, I had an entire day completely free.

Normally a dream for a busy person, it felt a little more like a nightmare because of the circumstances. It wasn’t like I decided to take a little staycation. It was last minute, so I didn’t have a plan. It was out of my control. Routine was lacking. Hence, it felt more like a worry than a wow.

Read more here...

3 Simple Hacks To Help You Lose Weight, Get Fit And Maintain A Healthy Lifestyle

You're probably trying to get healthy post-divorce. Here are some tips to avoid getting sucked into a plan that doesn't fit your needs...

Is your freezer filled with meals from that expensive diet you abandoned a year ago? Maybe you saw the perfect piece of exercise equipment in an infomercial, spent a small fortune, and now it languishes in your spare room. Perhaps it’s the fitness tracker that tells you what you no longer want to know about your sleep, diet and exercise.

Those items are wonderful if you use them as part of your bigger plan to get and stay healthy in mind, body and spirit.

It’s not the diet or equipment that gets you to your fitness goals, it’s the determination and intention to be in it for the long-haul. That, and a few simple things to keep in mind to avoid the fads and the flops:

1.      Beware of fads. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Consider the claims made about that Clear Quartz in your water bottle. Read more here...

8 Ways To Figure Out If Your Partner Is 'The One' Based On Marie Kondo's 'KonMari' Method

So you're dating. Great! Now you're having to answer the proverbial questions about whether or not he's 'the one.'

This article helps you ask the right questions. It starts like this:

If you're a Marie Kondo fan, then you know her KonMari method for decluttering your life is amazing and starts with a simple question: "Does this spark joy?"

But the Marie Kondo method for how to declutter is amazing when applied to other areas of your life too, like love and relationships. Yes, there is a way to use KonMari to declutter your mind and reorganize your thoughts when it comes down to finding out if your partner is really "the one."

"Does it spark joy?" might also be the perfect relationship question. Can you look at your partner — the person you fell in love with — and answer yes when asking yourself, “Does he spark joy?” 

Read more here to see how her method can be used to explore your relationship.

7 Reasons Everyone Keeps Telling You To Meditate

The post-divorce period is always one of stress and angst. Meditation is a great practice to help you cope with this difficult time. I speak from experience. This is a piece I wrote about the value of mediation. It starts like this:

I bet you know people who meditate. They’re often hawking the benefits of meditation, right?

 Annoying as it is, they’re correct. 

There is a wealth of research showing the benefits of meditation. These benefits include greater happiness, an improved sense of well-being, better emotional control, more compassion for, and better relationships with, others, less depression and anxiety, improved focus and even less inflammation in the body.

Though you may understand the benefits of meditation, when you imagine yourself in the perfect meditation space…you’re sitting on a cushion, the temperature is just right, there’s a slight scent of lavender in the air, it’s silent except for the tweet of a bird outside…you know you are never going to find that in this lifetime.

You’re busy, it’s noisy everyplace, and there may be a smell in the air, but it’s more likely to be car exhaust or pet effluvia, than lavender. When it comes to meditation, that’s okay!

Read more here...

5 Ways The Narcissist In Your Life Turns Himself Into A Victim

Looking back on your relationship post-divorce, you may be wondering whether you were married to a narcissist. This piece gives you some clues.

When a man is a narcissist, he'll do anything to come out on top. Even if it means willingly playing the victim by using a defensive manipulation technique called "DARVO" — something Brett Kavanaugh recently did during his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.

What is DARVO?

Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, coined this acronym to describe one typical "reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior."

"DARVO," she explains, "stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender," the pattern through which an abuser seamlessly shifts focus away from their own behavior to that of their accuser.

Read more here...

10 Ways To More Effectively Harness The Inspiring Energy Of Your Favorite Self-Help Books

Now that you're post-divorce, you're probably thinking about all the ways you'd like to change your life. You can do it now without anyone to hold you back. Except yourself. Here are some tips for making the changes you desire.

You’re psyched. You scoured the latest self-help books and found the perfect one for you, one with a title along the lines of Six Simple Steps to Your Perfect Body, complete with a companion diary outlining each of the six steps.

Or perhaps the title is more like Change Your Attitude, Change Your Relationships, partnered with an accompanying workbook.

Or perhaps your passion this week led you to a book like The Idiot's Guide to Finding the Perfect Job, with a pocket manual for creating a career that will bring you joy.

You’re like the 78% of people between the ages of 18-70 who "say they want to change a fundamental aspect of themselves", and so you're reading a chapter a day in your eagerness to progress toward your goals for personal growth.

The books are right there on your bedside table so you won't forget to visit them daily.

And yet, you’re not losing weight, your attitude hasn't changed, and you still have no idea how to find your dream job.

Read more...

This Personality Test Reveals If Being 'Nice' Is Your Greatest Strength Or Weakness In Relationships

Sometimes after a divorce, you try to be all things to all people. You may feel like you have to do more to have friends, go out of your way to be accommodating in new relationships, and maybe you were always like that. This piece is about the curse of being "too nice," to the detriment of your goals and needs.

If you're the kind of the person who's always being accused of being "too nice", a simple personality test can let you know whether or not what they're telling you is the truth. 

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

Continue reading here...

7 Ways To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone (And Why You Must!)

Divorce necessarily takes you out of your comfort zone. This piece is about managing that transition.

When was the last time you stepped outside your comfort zone? What does that even mean?

We all have routines. You get up and do certain things, often in the same order. Whether you work from home or go to an office, have kids you have to feed and transport, or animals to walk and care for, there is probably a general plan and rhythm to your day.

I love my routines. I like eating the same things, going to the same places, talking to the same people, even running the same route.

That said, when was the last time you changed it up? Changing it up means getting outside your comfort zone.

It can be something small, like stopping at the coffee shop you pass daily and picking up a cup of joe. It might be slightly bigger, like saying hello and possibly prompting a conversation with someone you normally walk past without a smile. Or it could be something major, like quitting your job in a big firm to go it alone, starting to write your first novel or speaking up to decry an injustice.

Here’s why you need to get out of your comfort zone.

1.  Face your fear and see what you can accomplish. 

Read the full article here...

Why Being Perfect Won't Make You As Happy As You Think (And 6 Things That Actually Will)

Taking advantage of the opportunity, post-divorce consider letting go of some of the things that make life more stressful. This piece is about perfectionism, and how to lose it.

It starts like this:

I think of them, affectionately, as perfectionistas. Those people who begin a sentence with, “I know nothing’s perfect, but…” But what? There is no “but.” Nothing’s perfect.

Linked with suicide, addiction, anxiety, anorexia, depression, high blood pressure and early death, according to a recent study, perfectionism is on the rise.

Social media may be driving the upswing as we constantly compare ourselves with others. It’s no surprise that, with teens spending as much as 9 hours a day on social media, and the average daily worldwide social media use estimated at 135 minutes, we experience a desire for the perfect lifestyle, including all the perfect houses, jobs and people we see on-line.

Perfectionism, the relentless striving for flawlessness and excessively high performance, sets the high bar by which we consistently judge ourselves and find ourselves wanting. At the same time the perfectionist worries about how others evaluate them.

I’m anticipating your question, the same one my clients pose: “What’s wrong with trying to be as perfect as possible?”

Read more here...

Post-divorce Survival Guide

My book is mentioned in a "Best Relationships Books" article!

The book helps the reader manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce. I call on my personal experience and years of work with clients going through this devastating life event to demonstrate how you can emerge even better than before.

Check it out here!

5 Ways To Stop Obsessing About Your Looks (And What It Means If You Do)

I know it's difficult not to scrutinize your looks post-divorce. My latest article is about how to not do that anytime,and what to try instead. It starts like this...

You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that American women are obsessed with their appearance and constantly worrying about their looks. We all want to know how to look pretty, how to look hot and even how to look younger. 

According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, in 2016 over 4.5 million Botox injections were performed, with the total price tag for surgical and non-surgical aesthetic procedures topping 15 billion dollars. Only 9% of recipients were men.

Allure reports that 2017 was the “unofficial” year of plumped-up lips. The predictions for what will be hot in 2018 include the laser bra lift, the new Botox, upper and lower eye-lid filler and customized labia (ouch!). My personal fav is the so-called vampire breast lift. As you might guess, blood is involved. And here I was thinking Allure was cool for banning the term “anti-aging.”

 Read more here...