6 Ways To Be Crazy Post-Divorce

I’ve been accused of being crazy many times post-divorce. In the interest of full disclosure, even pre-divorce, when my son was in kindergarten, his school employed the standard mother’s day gift: a handmade card inside of which the kids got to show off their penmanship and newly acquired language skills. The stem provided was, “My mother is…” My clever son’s fill-in-the-blank was, “crazy.” I feared this was not exactly a ringing endorsement of my services as psychologist and life coach.

So it’s not surprising I was taken by Heather Havrilesky’s article, “TV’s New Wave of Women: Smart, Strong, Borderline Insane.” I knew there would be useful data here for my work in progress, an instruction manual on how to be crazy post-divorce. Read more here...

Post-Divorce Decision-Making Overwhelm

Having talked with many post-divorcers, I believe divorce often finds us suffering with a decision-making deficit.  I’ve written about how the decision-making issues can arise because there are too many decisions.  And there is a myriad of decisions.  There are decisions about where to live, who to live with, what to do about the kids, the job, the friends, the ex, and so forth.  We know that having many decisions to make strains our ability to make good choices.  It can be overwhelming.

How does this happen?  Instead of just having too many decisions, perhaps it has something to do with the choices we make in our marriage.  In some marriages, there are few decisions to make, most being made by a highly controlling spouse.  In other marriages, decision-making power is often abdicated to a spouse.  I’m suggesting that when you don’t have to make a lot of choices, you start to forget how to make choices.  Then when you have lots to make, you’re out of  practice and it’s easily overwhelming.

My tips for those relearning decision-making:

1.  Try not to make too many decisions all at once.  Figure out what needs to be decided today, and keep a list of the other things to get to when you have more decision-making energy.

2.  HALT.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?  Don’t make any decisions under these conditions.  Eat, sleep, get with a friend and de-stress.  Then decide.

3.  Get the info.  Read, google, listen to podcasts, do whatever you do to get information.  Think it over.  Consider the possibilities and options.  Look at the consequences.  Then come up with your choice, or top choices.

4.  Consult.  Talk to friends, colleagues, anyone with information or insight into the issue and get their input.  You still make the decision, but even the presidents of the united states and general motors don’t make decisions on their own.  They use advisors.

5.  Sit with it.  If you don’t have to decide today and it’s a big decision, wait a couple of days.  Let the ideas come together.  Then revisit your decision and see if it still looks good.

6.  Practice acceptance.  Once you’ve gone through your steps, go with it and enjoy.  If you haven’t made the best choice, you’ll figure it out and do what you can for damage control.  You’ll learn something.  Next time, you’ll make a better choice.

It’s wonderful to hear people excited about buying their first car or home on their own.  It doesn’t have to be overwhelming.  The big win: there’s a huge sense of empowerment that comes with making one’s own decisions.

I’m So Tired, The Beatles

Post-Divorce Decisions. A Few Small Steps

Do you think of will power as being something that gets tired?  The research shows that as you make more choices, your brain gets tired.  When that happens, your willpower suffers.  The result?  You can no longer make good choices.  If you’re like most people post-divorce, you have a lot of decisions to make.  Alone.

The kids and the ex.

*Should I discuss this with my ex?

The kids.

*When should my kids meet him/her?

Me.

*When should I date?

The ex.

*When do I forgive?

The parents.

*How much should I tell them about my finances?

The list goes on and on to include decisions about your boss, co-w0rkers, friends and so on.

Research also shows that you don’t suffer with the same decrement in decision-making and willpower if you don’t let your self-control muscle get too tired.  You can do this by taking a few small steps:

*Get enough rest - tired brains don’t make good choices.

*Eat right - undernourished brains don’t make good choices.

*Make routines – the more routines you have, the fewer decisions you have to make.

*Make rules – the more rules you have (e.g., my kid doesn’t meet my date until the 8^th week), the fewer choices you have to make.

* When in doubt, postpone – if you need to think something through (e.g., should I discuss this with my ex) do it when you’re well rested, nourished and feeling on top of things.

The point is that it’s okay to feel a bit overwhelmed with all the decisions you have to make.  You can change your mind, you can make mistakes and you will not be perfect.  But take a few small steps toward making life easier for yourself and you’ll find the decisions get easier.

Music to decide by, Questions, Jack Johnson