6 Lessons Yoga Taught Me About Divorce

About 10 years ago a friend invited me to a yoga class.  Just divorced, I was feeling open to new things. Yoga was really not something I'd considered before, but I didn't evaluate it, overthink it or analyze it to death. I just went. It was my first lesson. Here's what I learned about divorce from yoga.

1.       Beginner's mind. Imagine what it would be like to see a sunrise for the first time, as if you have never seen one before and you will never see one again.  This is beginner's mind. It involves letting go of your expectations for how things were yesterday, ought to be today or might be tomorrow.  It was with beginner's mind that I accepted the invitation to yoga. I had no expectations. When you experience things with beginner's mind, you forget your opinions and desires and are open to seeing things as they are right now. Forgive the pun, but I don't think it's much of a stretch to see how this applies to being divorced. Instead of stressing about what's different, what you don't have anymore and what you need to have by tomorrow, beginner's mind tells us to just see things as they are right how.

2.      Bearing discomfort. Just what it sounds like, in yoga, sometimes you hold the pose long enough to create a bit of discomfort. You learn that you can bear that discomfort. You learn that after you release the pose, you feel stronger for having tolerated that discomfort. Sometimes you even notice that you're still holding the pose, the discomfort has passed and your downward dog is so happy it's wagging its tail. The thing about divorce is that the pain is never far away, no matter which side you're on. Whether you're the abandoner or the abandonee, the righteously indignant or the pretend indignant, or just one of the parties, divorce is never a pain-free enterprise. There are too many changes, too many upsets and too many discomforts. Like your downward dog, learning to bear the discomfort, to tolerate it for just a few more minutes, days or weeks, results, finally, in one happy dog.

3.      Moderation. How many sun salutations does it take to feel your daily practice is complete? Just enough to feel energized, but not so many that you've exhausted yourself and can't do anything else. You want to be feeling the stretch, but you don't want to be twitching or shaking. You must find the moderation, the balance, the intelligent edge. So how many sun salutations is that? It's different everyday and for everyone. Whatever you start doing post-divorce, and I encourage you to start doing new things, do it with moderation. There's no need to be out every night, to make 20 new friends, to have a date every weekend or to take up 15 new hobbies. There's no need to lose those extra pounds this week or to find the perfect house tomorrow. It feels good to know that you decide how much is enough.

4.      Nonjudgment. Yoga can be demanding. There's always something new to learn, someplace new to go. You can't always be the best in the room and it's helpful not to think in those terms. Some teachers advise that you not look beyond your mat. You can be most happy with your tree when it's the only tree in sight. It's neither good nor bad. Think about your divorce. It's unlike anyone else's. Each divorce has its own peculiarities, twists and turns. There is no perfect divorce. It's very liberating to accept your situation as it is, without believing you have to grow faster or better than someone else.

5.      Patience. I've been working toward headstand for a long time. I'm not there yet. Patience is knowing deep inside yourself that things will happen in their own time. They can't be rushed. Another way to think about it is accepting where you are, instead of trying to get someplace better. I will do headstand when I'm ready, or not, and where I am in the practice right now is fine. It doesn't mean I won't keep practicing. Patience is not an excuse to give up and sit on your butt. Patience is a way to approach the changes that are happening post-divorce. It's a way of knowing deep inside yourself that you will keep moving toward the new goals you have and into the new life you are creating. Some days it will seem like you are moving forward at a good rate. Some days it will seem like you are not. Knowing that you can't rush it, that where you are today is fine, is a good place to be. After all, what's the rush?

6.      Commitment. To learn yoga, you have to get to the mat. In class teachers often remind you to praise yourself just for getting to the mat today. It's part of your commitment to the practice. Committing sincerely and wholeheartedly to practicing yoga is necessary. The more you practice, the more you want to practice and the more committed you become. There are many things you might commit to post-divorce. First there's survival: I'm gonna make it. You commit to getting up every day, getting through your day and getting it done. Then there's flourishing: I'm gonna be great. You commit to growing, thriving and become more fulfilled every day. Perhaps there's even gratitude: I'd never have gotten here without this opportunity. With commitment you will master new things, become someone different and recognize that the divorce provided you with this opportunity.

I am forever grateful to my friend for inviting me to my first yoga class, but you don't have to practice yoga to practice these six ways of being. I highly recommend them as lessons for the stressful post-divorce period, and beyond.

Enhance Your Post-Divorce Well-Being With 5-Minute Mindfulness Practices

I know what you're thinking, you don't have five minutes to spare, especially now that you're divorced. But I'm here to tell you that you need to make just 5 minutes each day.  This is a little bit of time you can take to separate yourself from the post-divorce madness and stress.

We know that you can reduce stress and emotional reactivity, and increase focus and well-being, and improve your health, all with a few simple practices. Cultivating mindfulness can bring these rewards. Have to deal with an ex-spouse?  Research suggests improvement in emotional control is also associated with mindfulness practices. And who can't use more emotional control post-divorce?

There are as many ways to become more mindful as there are people, so here are my suggestions for cultivating your mindfulness. You have to try them out, and see what fits for you.

Breathe mindfully, by taking slow breaths that start in the abdomen and work their way up to the top of your head, exhaling as slowly as you breathe in. Spend 5 minutes a day breathing this way. Try breathing into your stress, be it a stressed muscle or a stressful thought.

Notice your thoughts without judgment. This means just noticing, not questioning, editing, criticizing or controlling your thinking. This is a biggie post-divorce. Everyone tends to be hyper self-critical in this time. Observe your thoughts nonjudgmentally for 5 minutes each day.

Experience what you're feeling in your body without trying to change it. Take 5 minutes daily to do a body scan. Start at your toes and work your way up to the scalp, just noticing what's going on in your body. Simply be aware of places you're tight, loose or neutral.

Focus on what you're doing with awareness. Whether you're walking (feel the air on your face and your feet hitting the ground), eating (notice texture and taste) or sitting (attend to body temperature and heart rate), try noticing all the perceptions and sensations you experience during a 5 minute period.

Meditate daily. Choose a type of meditation that suits you. There are many options. Do it daily for 5 minutes on your own, or find a meditation center or group where you can practice and learn. Many people find that practicing with a group deepens the experience.

Practice loving kindness toward yourself and others. This is a meditation in which you wish for things like safety, health, happiness or freedom for yourself. Then you extend that wish to your loved ones, to acquaintances, and finally, to your not-so-loved ones, for 5 minutes of your day. Depending on where you are in the post-divorce process, this last one can be very helpful. It's liberating to give up the anger and have positive wishes for your ex. Really.

Practice an ancient healing art like yoga, tai chi or qi gong by spending 5 minutes a day on it. Taking a few classes will teach you the basics. Simple yoga poses can be learned in no time on-line. You can practice alone. As with meditation, sometimes practicing with your kids, partner or a friend is a nice change.

Pick a time you can practice one or more of these daily. Work it into your schedule. As your daily mindfulness practice becomes routine, you will notice that an increase in awareness and a decrease in judgment begins to permeate the whole post-divorce experience. Control over your thinking and behavior becomes easier. It all comes together to reduce stress and enhance well-being. I'm not saying five minutes will bring all the rewards, but I suspect that once you start doing five, it will turn into 10, then 15, and who knows how much well-being you can attain?

Try some Iyengar Yoga Music to get in the mudra.

A version of this article was originally published at YourTango.

My Top 10 Post-Divorce Lessons

My teenage son bought me a Kavu bag for my birthday to complete my "hippie look." It was the perfect gift given only by someone who really gets you. I thought about how strong our relationship has become. Similar to many post-divorce occurrences, it's not that it couldn't have happened when I was married, it's just that it counts as one of many happy results emerging from an unhappy situation. These are lessons I learned from those happy results.

1.I try to be closer to my child. I'm not saying you can't be married and close to your children. But often there seems to be a unique bond between the divorced and their children. Not having to divide attention between spouse and child accounts for some of it. Maybe the rest comes from having to live together through something so difficult. I'm grateful for that closeness and work hard to cultivate it.

2. I spend more time doing things I enjoy. After the necessary period of wallowing, I started doing things that made me happy.  I ran more. I began studying life coaching. I started practicing yoga. I wasn't a slug before, but post-divorce there was no one to ask me what it would cost, how much time away from them would be involved, who would watch my kid, or how it would contribute to the family.  I made choices that made me happy. Not surprisingly, things that make me happy contribute to the well-being of those around me.

3. I can live without a man. Not only that, but discovered I really like living without a man. I spend more time with friends. I spend more time working. I eat when and what I want. I watch the movies I want.  Don't get me wrong. I love sharing and doing things for others. I love men. It’s just that I learned I do very well without having one around full-time.

4. I do things I never would have thought possible. Getting the wasp nest out of the mailbox, the bat out of the garage, and buying a car may not seem huge. I'm not saying I'm Wonderwoman, but each time I accomplished one of those things I felt absolutely fantastic. It’s empowering to manage things myself instead of relegating them to the honey do list. And the added benefit is that they actually get done!

5. I am not alone. Perhaps it was having more opportunity, perhaps more need, but I met a lot of people post-divorce and made a lot of friends. Support also comes from the legions of divorced people. They write and talk about divorce. You realize many post-divorce experiences are shared. It helps to be part of a community, even one I hadn't planned to join.

6. I have strengths I never knew about. Relationships can be stifling.  It was far too easy for me to subjugate my aspirations to those of my partner and child. It was easy to act out wife and mother roles I inherited from my family. Divorce was a release from all that. Using my creativity and strengths in new ways, like writing, entering races, cooking and tweaking my career, helps me flourish as a single person. Singledom helped me capitalize on my strengths.

7. I do not have to make anyone else happy. People tried to tell me when to date, when not to date, what to do about my kid, what not to do about my kid, what to do in new relationships, what not to do.  I'd spent quite a number of years trying to make someone else happy, and look how that turned out. I don't have to please others by living out their fantasy of what ought to happen in my life or following often unsolicited advice. That's allowed me to return to my hippie look, develop my own parenting style and create a modern relationship that works for me.

8. It gets better. I kept telling myself that it would get better if I kept plugging away. And it does. I kept moving ahead and trying new things until it began to dawn on me that “after” was starting to feel pretty good.  In fact, "after" began feeling a lot better than “before.”

9. Healthy thoughts about the divorce keep me positive. Initially there was the inevitable ex-bashing. Then I realized that the negative energy crept into the rest of my life. I started focusing on positives. This means getting others in my world to give up their own negativity about my divorce and ex, or at least to keep it to themselves. It means not feeling sorry for myself. It means spending more time around healthy people.

10. Divorce does not define me. Although it seemed so at first, I learned that being divorced is not my central defining characteristic. Being divorced is part of who I am, and I choose to define it as an experience contributing positively to my growth as a person. I am a healthy, whole, creative woman, who happens to not have a husband.

You don't have to be divorced to make your life more healthy, powerful and positive. But if you happen to be divorced, it's a great opportunity to use your creativity and strengths to make some exciting changes.  And who knows, you just might get a Kavu bag out of it.
Reprinted from YourTango.

No More Damsels In Distress Post-Divorce

I couldn't find a better post-divorce survivor if I tried, than Sigourney Weaver in Political Animals.  As Weaver said in an interview Friday, "When I look around the world, I don't really see too many damsels in distress." As Elaine Barrish, Weaver is strong, determined, intelligent and competent. So of course Barrish is called cold and calculating by some.

No one exits a marriage sans angst, but what are the successful ingredients in a relatively distress-free post-divorce adjustment? These are my suggestions for damage-control:

Take yourself seriously. Whether it's as a parent, at work or in a new pursuit, whatever it may be, what you're doing is the most important thing you've ever done in your life. Make it real. When you're busy taking yourself seriously, there's not much room for negativity.

Focus on what you're doing. What you're doing deserves your complete attention. The class you've started, the meal you're cooking, the work you're doing, they're all worthy of your focus. While taking care of business, you don't have time to wallow.

Try new stuff. Consider something different.  I doesn't matter if it's yoga, speed-dating, a triathlon or an art class. Shifting some of your time and attention to mastering something new is a good challenge. It creates positive energy and optimism.

Keep busy. Forget about taking time to process.  You'll process enough. Keep yourself scheduled and doing things. Think about the people and things you want in your life, and make space for them.

Be authentic. Let your thoughts, words and deed reflect the things you truly believe in. You may have to figure out what you believe in, since divorce does have a nasty way of shaking up all our beliefs. But these are good things to spend time thinking about. What do I really want, need believe?

Practice stress management. You can cultivate the non-judging, patience and acceptance of mindfulness, increase or change your exercise, make more time for friends or spend more time with nature. Think about what decreases your stress and do more of it.

As Barrish said, "You'll never get to the next great moment if you don't keep going." If you'll forgive the mixing of media, be a Ripley. Be the last survivor.

Survivor, Destiny's Child

Post-Divorce Post-Infidelity Recovery Skills

In addition to coping with the post-divorce period, you may also be coping with the aftermath of infidelity and affairs in your relationship. Speed up your recovery from infidelity using self-care, resilience and optimism.

See my post on YourTango.

Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

The Divorce Hotel

On these pages I write of the post-divorce experience.  I’ve written about post-divorce gifts and celebrations.  But this pre-divorce experience simply takes the cake (which I’ve also written about) so to speak.  You’ve gotta have some dough to be able to check into the divorce hotel.

It’s just what it sounds like.  Check in married.  Check out divorced.  And as Tom Miller was shrewd enough to note, you get some hot hotel sex in between.  If you play your cards right, perhaps your favorite room service treats as well.

Does this cheapen and undermine the sanctity of marriage?  I would posit that anything that makes the divorce process easier is a good thing.  It won’t make it any easier to decide to divorce.  People won’t be saying, Oh, let’s get a divorce so we can go to the divorce hotel, will they? It might just ease a little of the stress around the nuts and bolts of the thing.

Really, I just posted this hoping my unsuspecting readers would get a little chuckle.  Anything that creates humor post-divorce is definitely a good thing.

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off, Billie Holiday

Post-Divorce Growth…After They Go, Grow

A run has never returned me exactly the same. I go, I grow. Kristin Armstrong, Runner’sWorld.com

This quote was my inspiration for revising my thinking about before and after. “Before,” as in before one of the partners goes, and “after,” as in after they go, or post-divorce. The “before” is often a rose-colored view of the way we were. It’s like when someone with whom you had a terribly conflicted relationship dies, and you remember only the good times. It’s nice, but unrealistic. I’m not suggesting you dwell on the “before” negatives.  But when it comes to post-divorce, I hear a lot of negatives about the “after.”

Making “after” a growth experience is the tricky part post-divorce.  After a run it’s easy.  You are more energized, calm, centered, de-stressed, confident or happy.  Consider how this can be the case after they go.

My suggestions are:

·         Identify one thing that’s better now, like having the whole bed to yourself or being criticized less often.

·         Name something you can do now that you couldn’t do before, like spend more time with your best friend.

·         What’s one thing you can do now without having to consult with anyone (e.g., deciding what to have for dinner, which movie to watch, where to go on vacation)?

·        How are you more self-reliant than you were before (e.g., you too can figure out how to change a fluorescent fixture and get a bat out of your garage)?

·        How are you better than you were before? Maybe you’re less worried and anxious and more fun to be around.

It’s true; before and after are very different, and not always in a good way.  See if you can identify the positive changes you’ve already made.  Think about the changes you’d like to make right now.  And remember, after they go, you grow.

Forgive me for repeating this song.  The Way We Were, Barbra Streisand