10 Happy Reminders Of Why Divorce Is Sometimes A Beautiful Thing

My teenage son bought me a Kavu bag for my birthday to complete my "hippie look." It was the perfect gift given only by someone who really gets you. I thought about how strong our relationship has become. 

Similar to many post-divorce occurrences, it's not that it couldn't have happened when I was married, it's just that it counts as one of many happy results emerging from an unhappy situation.

These are 10 lessons I learned from those happy results of life after divorce: 

1. I can be closer to my child. I'm not saying you can't be married and close to your children. But often there seems to be a unique bond between the divorced and their children. Not having to divide attention between spouse and child accounts for some of it. 

Maybe the rest comes from having to live together through difficult times. I'm grateful for that closeness and work hard to cultivate it.

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8 Ways You Can Be TOO Nice To Your Ex

We see this issue discussed much more in organizational articles than on the relationship side of things. In an organization, if you overplay your character strength of decisiveness, you risk alienating your peers by being overpowering. In a relationship, being too decisive can cause overreliance on your opinions, encouraging dependency from your ex.

Your ex may beg overtly or subtly for the continuation of various behaviors that, while very appropriate for a spouse, cross the invisible boundaries you are attempting to establish. Sometimes it's difficult because the request seems like something you "should" do precisely because it taps into one of your strengths.

Unless you're uber-civilized and still super-good friends with your ex, here are some things you want to avoid, especially early on after a break-up.

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The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

I am excited to announce the publication of my new eBook, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide.Tools For Your Journey. It is available  on Amazon .

With tips and steps to escape negative thinking, emotional impasses and behavioral stagnation, the book will help you negotiate the treacherous terrain of post-divorce life. Lightened up with a heavy dose of humor, I draw on the positive psychology literature with concrete suggestions to pro-actively manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce. 

I call on my personal experience with divorce, and years of work with clients going through this devastating life experience, to show you how you can emerge even better than you were before. The book addresses three tasks of post-divorce adjustment. The first is "Acceptance," identifying the reasons for the divorce and viewing them in an empowering way. The second, "Coping," provides help dealing with the often unexpected consequences associated with divorce. "Becoming," the final section, encourages you to aspire to be your best self and view your divorce as an opportunity to flourish. 

There are chapters on developing a positive mindset, identifying and using signature strengths, developing more optimism, setting and reaching goals, becoming happier and cultivating mindfulness. There are also chapters devoted to practical aspects of post-divorce adjustment including acceptance, emotional reactions, coping with your ex and dealing with issues like holidays and vacations, relationships with friends and relatives and dating.

I hope you find it useful and enjoy it. I'd love to hear your comments. 

Change Your Thoughts And Your Life Will Change

One of your big post-divorce tasks will be to change the way you do things. This YourTango post will give you some ideas about how to make that happen. 

It starts off like this:

 The way you do one thing is the way you do everything has been rattling around in my head since January, the day I heard it twice in one single day. When something strikes me as interesting, and then it comes up again, I figure it might be important. I also apply this strategy when listening as a therapist or coach, evidence that the adage applies for me. 

People come to me seeking change. They want to change their mood, their habits, their careers, their relationships, or their parenting style, among other things. It's wonderful to decide you want to make important changes in your life. 

The problem is that the way you do one thing does seem to be the way you do most things. Notice I got rid of everything. There's Perfect Pete, rarely coloring outside the lines, desperately following the rules, despite the misery it brings.  Read more here...

 

10 Post-Divorce Principles From A Non-Random Sample

I've been interviewing people about their post-divorce experiences for a project I'm working on. These are some of the principles I've learned through these interviews. In my mind they combine two excellent overarching themes that emerge post-divorce: "How I want to live now," and "How I can avoid future mistakes." Most of the principles apply to both.

1.       Figure out who you really are and be yourself. Who you are in a relationship is not always the same as who you are solo. Take time to identify your likes, dislikes preferences, wants and needs.  Then be the person you really want to be.

2.      Be honest with yourself and others. Sometimes you really have to dig deep to know your truth. Often you know what you honestly think or want, but telling someone else is another matter. Being true to yourself is the best way to live.

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Post-Divorce SWOT Analysis

You know how SWOT analysis is used in strategic planning for organizations? Even if you’re not familiar with it, the idea is to analyze the organization’s Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. It’s a good post-divorce planning model. Consider yourself an organization. Newly incorporated if you like.

Let’s start with your strengths. Take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths if you get stuck. Or just be honest with yourself and don’t let your inner critic guide you. Friends are also good at pointing out our strengths. Your strengths might include honesty, intelligence, creative problem solving ability, strong parenting, empathy. See how you can parlay these into good skills for meeting people and figuring out what you want to do with your life? Use your honesty and intelligence to engage your next date and your problem solving ability to figure out how to manage the visitation schedule.

Weaknesses are easy for most of us. Too much of a strength can be a weakness. Like being too trusting, for example. Afraid to try new things might be another. Afraid of being rejected yet another. Weaknesses can be paralyzing if you let them get the best of you.

Opportunities come naturally out of weaknesses. Too trusting? Try modulating that in the next relationship, whether it’s with a new landlord or new friend. If you’re afraid to try new things, set yourself the goal of trying something new every day, whether it’s just a new flavor of coffee or talking to the person next to you in the grocery checkout line. Or even something big like trying that on-line dating service your friend suggested. Or the new job you’ve been considering. Consider what you’d like to achieve and then identify the opportunities that are available to you.

Threats include external factors that might get in your way. One of my clients was convinced that having a little boy was going to completely dash all hopes of a date since, she claimed, everyone knows that men don’t like to take on other guy’s boys. That’s an inner critic talking if ever I heard one. But having a badly behaved boy stomp on your date might present problems. Figure out how to deal with that threat in advance. I know you can use your creativity to work it out. The economy is another threat. It’s going to make it impossible for you to get that high paying job you need now, right? Wrong. Yes, the economy presents issues for all of us, but someone’s going to get that job. Why not you?

What I like about the SWOT analysis is that it forces us to take stock of our abilities and the challenges we face. And it makes it possible for us to figure out how to move ahead.