It's the new year and time to focus on those resolutions. Read my newsletter about wellness for my top tips.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Top Tips Toward Wellness
It's the new year and time to focus on those resolutions. Read my newsletter about wellness for my top tips.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
The Holidays Post-Divorce, 2012
Every
year I do a post-divorce holiday blog. The focus is always different,
reflecting the things I'm working on myself or with clients post-divorce. I
started in 2009 talking about focus on the
self with things like stress management and acceptance. In 2010 it was about being more
other-focused with things like becoming more social and doing volunteer work.
In 2011
it was about focusing on doing
things your way and identifying your goals for the holiday.
And for this
year, you know how people and their dogs often look alike? Sometimes they even
seem to have the same personality. It can be that way with spouses as well. Live
together long enough and before you know it you eat the same food, dress the
same way and do the same things. It's easy to lose yourself in the
relationship, subjugating your wants and needs in the name of peace and
harmony. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. As we head into New Year's resolution time, I'm taking this opportunity to
remind you that you can change a lot of those things now that
you're divorced.
Consider
these eight areas and ask yourself if you're where you want to be.
1.
Living space. People often like to move out of
a shared space. If that works for you, great. Often, it's just not possible.
Think about how you can make the space more yours and less his/hers. Getting rid of items that remind you of your ex can
get expensive, but sometimes it's worth it. Painting, rearranging, redecorating
and leaving your personal stamp on each and every room is helpful. Even small
changes can have a positive impact.
2.
Style. I'm talking hair, clothes,
makeup, nails and anything else you created with your now ex-partner in mind. She liked wired rim frames to make you look
more intellectual or a day-old growth to make you look like Bradley Cooper. He
liked long, blond hair, blood red lipstick and stiletto heels to make you look
like, well, you get the picture. Ask yourself if you really want to be driving
that mini-van now that you're single again. Take back control and decide how to
express yourself with your style choices.
3.
Interests. Much as we like to consider
ourselves individuals, it's tough not to take on the interests of our
significant others. It's great to expand one's scope by trying new things. Now
you can decide if you really want to continue going on that annual wilderness
camping trip, watching football or cooking gourmet feasts. What are you really interested in?
4.
Schedule. Early bird or night owl? Dinner
at 8 or 6:00? Exercise in the morning or afternoon. Getting up earlier to have time
with your significant other and doing things that please them is great. But now
that they're gone, you can do things on your own schedule and it may be one
that works better for you. After all, it's your biorhythm.
5.
Relationships. Whether it's how you handle your
relationships with friends or how you relate
to your children, couples tend to morph into the same patterns. You can break
out of those patterns now. Want to have your friends over for a game of Bunco or
poker on a school night? Want to spend
Saturday night with your kids watching movies and eating nachos in bed? Go
ahead. These are all choices you can make.
6.
Work. How much time we spend at work
is often a flashpoint for couples. Somehow, one's own work always seems
infinitely more important than one's spouse's. Now it really is. Maybe those
extra hours you put in to be able to afford the luxury vacation no longer seem
worth it. When you perform those labors of love at home like laundry, grocery
shopping and cooking are also things over which you now have decision-making
power. It's all about figuring out what works for you.
7.
Vacations. Vacations can be very challenging in the
newly single. Sometimes it's difficult to imagine a solo vacation, or a family
vacation without two parents. Decide what your dream vacation is and what you
can manage. Ask the kids what they want. Travel with a friend, a sibling or
anyone who will be fun, or go it alone. But be sure to schedule a break from
work, even if it's to stay at home and relax.
8.
Holidays. Holidays and other celebrations,
like birthdays, tend to be tradition-bound. This is the time to create your own
traditions and decide how you'd like to do things. There are no rules. If you
can't afford those expensive gifts this year, no worries, people will understand. If you can afford that trip to
the Bahamas for the holidays, why not? Want to stay at home? Visit friends? Go
to the movies? Anything goes.
Don't eat
caviar on New Year's Eve if you're a nuts and granola kind of person. Don't
continue to act like a fancy poodle if you're really a down and dirty hound at
heart. Figure out the authentic you…and be yourself.This blog was originally published at YourTango in a slightly different form.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Post-Divorce On-Line Dos and Don'ts
Who can
resist the urge to look at their ex's Facebook page? Admit it. It calls your
name and whispers, Check it out…no harm
done. An astute researcher in England would beg to differ. A recent study concluded that the more time you
spend on your ex's Facebook page, the more psychological distress you
experience, the greater your desire for your ex, and the more difficulty you
have moving on.
Admit it. You
are not really surprised. That's because most of us realize that the toxic connections we have with our exes are stoked by
talking about, thinking about and looking at stuff about them. While lurking on
their Facebook page may not morph itself into stalking, it's just not healthy.
Here are my on-line
dos and don'ts:
·
Do
not look at your ex's Facebook page, Twitter account or other social media
presence. I often strongly suggest defriending
them and unfollowing them. If you
don't, you'll wind up seeing posts you don't need to see. You'll learn about
people they are now friends with which will be upsetting.
I'd include the ex-in-laws and ex-friends here as well.
·
Do
not post things about your ex. This is just asking for trouble from them, their
friends and their family. If you want to have a private conversation with
someone about your ex, that's great. You just don't need to be doing it on a
social media platform. Your goal is to decrease the time you spend ex-watching
and ex-bashing, preferably sooner rather than later
·
Do
not friend your ex's new honey or
family members on Facebook, or follow
them elsewhere. This may seem self-evident, but you'd be surprised. In fact,
don't lurk on these pages. Doing so does make you start to look a lot more like
a stalker. It's also about TMI. You probably get more information than you need
already. Don't add to it unnecessarily.
·
Do
consider getting off Facebook, and similar sites, entirely. If you know staying
away is going to be really tough for you, it's a solution. I know it sounds
radical, but do you really need to know where the high school friends you
haven't seen in umpteen million years got drunk last Saturday night? You talk to
or text your real friends, and maybe even see them in person occasionally.
·
Do
use social media to advertise your singledom and to meet people. I'm a big
advocate of on-line dating post-divorce. If you're feeling like this is
somehow unfair or disrespectful to your ex or their family, don't. You're
completely entitled to move on however you see fit, regardless of the
circumstances of the demise of your relationship.
·
Do
ignore postings you think are about you. Your ex, their friends and family may
post things about some unnamed party you believe to be you. It may or may not
be you. Even if you're 100% sure it's you, don't bother responding. You'll feel
better taking the high road. Forgiveness is a virtue. Practicing it makes us
happy.
Admit it. You know that if you want to feel
better and move on with your life, surveilling your ex is not the way to go. Besides, defriending is empowering. It doesn't
whisper, it screams, WE ARE NEVER, EVER, EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER.We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together, Taylor Swift
Originally published at YourTango in a slightly different form.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Virtual Group: Move into Post-Divorce Life…Enjoy the Journey
This 4-session virtual group will help you address the challenges of moving on from a long-term relationship by:
*
Establishing a positive post-divorce mindset
* Using
personal strengths to move forward
* Learning
to enjoy the journey by working toward new goals
Using the
tools of coaching, the group will help you discover strategies to effectively
negotiate new terrain in your unique journey.
My holiday
gift, your first call is free!
Contact me for more information.
Read about post-divorce adjustment
here:
Music for the post-divorce journey: I Look So Good Without You,
Jessie James
Saturday, November 17, 2012
What Can You Do About Toxic Connections With Your Ex?
As
Christopher Columbus said, you can never cross the ocean unless you have the
courage to lose sight of the shore. It's hard to let go of that shore post-divorce or
after any relationship tanks. No matter how bad the relationship was or how
much you wanted out, it's still what you've known, possibly for a very, very
long time.
These are things people tell me
that scream, I want to stay connected to
my ex! I humbly offer detoxes for these toxic connections. I say toxic because, when you look closely, you
can see how unhealthy they are.
·
I can't stand for him to be with anyone else. If I had a top ten list, this would
be at the top. It's tough, but you know it's inevitable that you will both move
on to other relationships. Detox.
Embrace reality and be grateful. When your ex moves on, in case you
were harboring thoughts of reuniting a long time from now, in a galaxy far, far
away, this tells you it's really over. You can be grateful for that wake up
call. It's also good for kids for whom it can close the door on remarriage
fantasies. And you know what, you can
stand seeing him with someone else and there are probably other reasons to be
thankful. Gratitude always trumps jealousy.
·
I want her to still want me. You've finished with someone, probably don't even want them
anymore, but you expect them to be waiting in the wings. You still want to be
loved, but that ship has sailed. Detox. Know that you will be fine
on your own. You don't need your ex to love you to recognize that you're lovable.
And if you really think you're not, this is a great time to start figuring out how
the next relationship can be better, and what you need to work on personally. It's time to man up, make
the changes and find your next sweetheart.
·
I hurt, and I want him to hurt too. Do I have to
point out that this is just plain mean? Detox. Feeling loving kindness is linked to improved mental and
physical health and increased confidence. Part of the meditation involves
loving kindness for those toward whom we feel unkind. It's a way of downloading those negative feelings, and allowing them to float out of
your head. You will be nicer to be around and you'll probably hurt less.
·
She really needs to apologize to me. "Needs to," does not ever belong in the
same sentence as your ex. Your ex probably didn't do a lot of things she
"needed to do" when you were married.
You think you're going to get her to do them now? Nope, you're not. Detox.
You don't actually need an apology. Forgiveness is something you give because, among
other things, it's good for you. And you don't need an apology to forgive. You do
it because you're ready to unmoor and sail on. An apology is not going to get
rid of the pain. Only letting go does that.
·
I just want us to be friends. Maybe you can be friends. Equally possible, you can't. It
doesn't matter. It would be good for the kids, but it's not essential. Detox.
You have friends to hang out with and talk to. If you
don't, you best get out and make some. Friends have a longer shelf-life than
many relationships. It's important to focus on other relationships, not just your
personal Titanic.
·
He should respond to my calls or texts immediately. Really? Most people don't respond
to our needs immediately, so don't expect it from your ex. Detox. If you're
calling and texting repeatedly, stop. Ask yourself whether the situation is
really that much of an emergency. Don't wait until the last minute to make
arrangements for the kids, or get something you need from your ex. Start planning
your course ahead of time, the way you do with most people, and don't expect
your newly insignificant other to drop everything for you.
To sum it up, be grateful, be
kind, forgive, and don't expect things to be better than they were in the
relationship. Letting go is entirely up to you. It means moving on toward the
unknown, always a scary prospect. But hey, there's a new world out there. So
keep your focus on what's ahead, while you breathe in that clean, detoxified
air. Smudge sticks can help with this too.
Have a listen to Taylor Swift's Mean
This blog was originally published at YourTango.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
6 Lessons Yoga Taught Me About Divorce
About 10 years ago a friend invited me to a yoga class. Just divorced, I was feeling open to new
things. Yoga was really not something I'd considered before, but I didn't
evaluate it, overthink it or analyze it to death. I just went. It was my first
lesson. Here's what I learned about divorce from yoga.
1.
Beginner's mind. Imagine what it would be
like to see a sunrise for the first time, as if you have never seen one before
and you will never see one again.
This is beginner's mind. It involves letting go of
your expectations for how things were yesterday, ought to be today or might be
tomorrow. It was with beginner's mind
that I accepted the invitation to yoga. I had no expectations. When you experience things
with beginner's mind, you forget your opinions and desires and are open to
seeing things as they are right now. Forgive the pun, but I don't think it's much of a stretch to see how this applies to
being divorced. Instead of stressing about what's different, what you don't
have anymore and what you need to have by tomorrow, beginner's mind tells us to
just see things as they are right how.
2.
Bearing discomfort. Just what it sounds
like, in yoga, sometimes you hold the pose long enough to create a bit of
discomfort. You learn that you can bear that discomfort. You learn that after
you release the pose, you feel stronger for having tolerated that discomfort.
Sometimes you even notice that you're still holding the pose, the discomfort
has passed and your downward dog is so happy it's wagging its tail. The thing
about divorce is that the pain is never far away, no matter which side you're on. Whether you're
the abandoner or the abandonee, the righteously indignant or the pretend
indignant, or just one of the parties, divorce is never a pain-free enterprise.
There are too many changes, too many upsets and too many discomforts. Like your
downward dog, learning to bear the discomfort, to tolerate it for just a few
more minutes, days or weeks, results, finally, in one happy dog.
3.
Moderation. How many sun
salutations does it take to feel your daily practice is complete? Just enough
to feel energized, but not so many that you've exhausted yourself and can't do
anything else. You want to be feeling the stretch, but you don't want to be
twitching or shaking. You must find the moderation, the balance, the intelligent edge. So how many sun salutations
is that? It's different everyday and for everyone. Whatever you start doing
post-divorce, and I encourage you to start doing new things, do it with
moderation. There's no need to be out every night, to make 20 new friends, to have
a
date every weekend or to take up 15 new hobbies. There's no need to
lose those extra pounds this week or to find the perfect house tomorrow. It
feels good to know that you decide how much is enough.
4.
Nonjudgment. Yoga can be demanding. There's always something
new to learn, someplace new to go. You can't always be the best in the room and it's helpful not to
think in those terms. Some teachers advise that
you not look beyond your mat. You can be most happy with your tree when it's
the only tree in sight. It's neither good nor bad. Think about your divorce.
It's unlike anyone else's. Each divorce has its own peculiarities, twists and
turns. There is no perfect divorce. It's very liberating to accept your
situation as it is, without believing you have to grow faster or better than
someone else.
5.
Patience. I've been working
toward headstand for a long time. I'm not there yet. Patience is knowing deep inside yourself that things will happen in their
own time. They can't be rushed. Another way to think about it is accepting
where you are, instead of trying to get someplace better. I will do headstand
when I'm ready, or not, and where I am in the practice right now is fine. It
doesn't mean I won't keep practicing. Patience is not an excuse to give up and
sit on your butt. Patience is a way to approach the changes that are happening
post-divorce. It's a way of knowing deep inside yourself that you will keep
moving toward the new
goals you have and into the new life you are creating. Some days it
will seem like you are moving forward at a good rate. Some days it will seem
like you are not. Knowing that you can't rush it, that where you are today is
fine, is a good place to be. After all, what's the rush?
6.
Commitment. To learn yoga, you have
to get to the mat. In class teachers often remind you to praise yourself just
for getting to the mat today. It's part of your commitment to the practice.
Committing sincerely and wholeheartedly to practicing yoga is necessary. The
more you practice, the more you want to practice and the more committed you
become. There are many things you might commit to post-divorce. First there's survival: I'm gonna make it. You commit to getting up every day, getting
through your day and getting it done. Then there's flourishing: I'm gonna be great. You commit to
growing, thriving and become more fulfilled every day. Perhaps there's even
gratitude: I'd never have gotten here
without this opportunity. With commitment you will master new things,
become someone different and recognize that the divorce provided you with this
opportunity.
I am forever grateful to my friend for inviting me to my first yoga
class, but you don't have to practice yoga to practice these six ways of being.
I highly recommend them as lessons for the stressful post-divorce period, and beyond.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Enhance Your Post-Divorce Well-Being With 5-Minute Mindfulness Practices
We know that
you can reduce stress and emotional reactivity, and increase focus and
well-being, and improve your health, all with a few simple practices.
Cultivating mindfulness can bring these rewards. Have to
deal with an ex-spouse? Research suggests improvement in emotional control is
also associated with mindfulness practices. And who can't use more emotional
control post-divorce?
There are as
many ways to become more mindful as there are people, so here are my
suggestions for cultivating your mindfulness. You have to try them out, and see
what fits for you.
Breathe mindfully, by taking slow breaths that start in the abdomen and work
their way up to the top of your head, exhaling as slowly as you breathe in.
Spend 5 minutes a day breathing this way. Try breathing into your stress, be it
a stressed muscle or a stressful thought.
Notice your
thoughts without judgment. This means just noticing, not
questioning, editing, criticizing or controlling your thinking. This is a
biggie post-divorce. Everyone tends to be hyper self-critical in this time.
Observe your thoughts nonjudgmentally for 5 minutes each day.
Experience what you're feeling in
your body without trying to change it. Take 5 minutes daily to do a body
scan. Start at your toes and work your way up to the scalp, just noticing
what's going on in your body. Simply be aware of places you're tight, loose or
neutral.
Focus on what you're doing with awareness. Whether you're walking (feel the
air on your face and your feet hitting the ground), eating (notice texture and
taste) or sitting (attend to body temperature and heart rate), try noticing all
the perceptions and sensations you experience during a 5 minute period.
Meditate daily. Choose a type of meditation that suits you. There are many
options. Do it daily for 5 minutes on your own, or find a meditation center or
group where you can practice and learn. Many people find that practicing with a
group deepens the experience.
Practice loving kindness toward yourself and others. This is a meditation in which you wish for
things like safety, health, happiness or freedom for yourself. Then you extend
that wish to your loved ones, to acquaintances, and finally, to your
not-so-loved ones, for 5 minutes of your day. Depending on where you are in the
post-divorce process, this last one can be very helpful. It's liberating to
give up the anger and have positive wishes for your ex. Really.
Practice an ancient healing art like yoga, tai chi or qi gong by spending 5
minutes a day on it. Taking a few classes will teach you the basics. Simple yoga
poses can be learned in no time on-line. You can practice alone. As with
meditation, sometimes practicing with your kids, partner or a friend is a nice
change.
Pick a time
you can practice one or more of these daily. Work it into your schedule. As
your daily mindfulness practice becomes routine, you will notice that an
increase in awareness and a decrease in judgment begins to permeate the whole
post-divorce experience. Control over your thinking and behavior becomes easier.
It all comes together to reduce stress and enhance well-being. I'm not saying
five minutes will bring all the rewards, but I suspect that once you start
doing five, it will turn into 10, then 15, and who knows how much well-being
you can attain?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
