Post-Divorce On-Line Dos and Don'ts

Who can resist the urge to look at their ex's Facebook page? Admit it. It calls your name and whispers, Check it out…no harm done. An astute researcher in England would beg to differ. A recent study concluded that the more time you spend on your ex's Facebook page, the more psychological distress you experience, the greater your desire for your ex, and the more difficulty you have moving on.

Admit it. You are not really surprised. That's because most of us realize that the toxic connections we have with our exes are stoked by talking about, thinking about and looking at stuff about them. While lurking on their Facebook page may not morph itself into stalking, it's just not healthy.

Here are my on-line dos and don'ts:

·         Do not look at your ex's Facebook page, Twitter account or other social media presence. I often strongly suggest defriending them and unfollowing them. If you don't, you'll wind up seeing posts you don't need to see. You'll learn about people they are now friends with which will be upsetting. I'd include the ex-in-laws and ex-friends here as well.

·         Do not post things about your ex. This is just asking for trouble from them, their friends and their family. If you want to have a private conversation with someone about your ex, that's great. You just don't need to be doing it on a social media platform. Your goal is to decrease the time you spend ex-watching and ex-bashing, preferably sooner rather than later

·         Do not friend your ex's new honey or family members on Facebook, or follow them elsewhere. This may seem self-evident, but you'd be surprised. In fact, don't lurk on these pages. Doing so does make you start to look a lot more like a stalker. It's also about TMI. You probably get more information than you need already. Don't add to it unnecessarily.

·         Do consider getting off Facebook, and similar sites, entirely. If you know staying away is going to be really tough for you, it's a solution. I know it sounds radical, but do you really need to know where the high school friends you haven't seen in umpteen million years got drunk last Saturday night? You talk to or text your real friends, and maybe even see them in person occasionally.

·         Do use social media to advertise your singledom and to meet people. I'm a big advocate of on-line dating post-divorce. If you're feeling like this is somehow unfair or disrespectful to your ex or their family, don't. You're completely entitled to move on however you see fit, regardless of the circumstances of the demise of your relationship.

·         Do ignore postings you think are about you. Your ex, their friends and family may post things about some unnamed party you believe to be you. It may or may not be you. Even if you're 100% sure it's you, don't bother responding. You'll feel better taking the high road. Forgiveness is a virtue. Practicing it makes us happy.

Admit it. You know that if you want to feel better and move on with your life, surveilling  your ex is not the way to go. Besides, defriending is empowering. It doesn't whisper, it screams, WE ARE NEVER, EVER, EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together, Taylor Swift

Originally published at YourTango in a slightly different form.

What Can You Do About Toxic Connections With Your Ex?

As Christopher Columbus said, you can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. It's hard to let go of that shore post-divorce or after any relationship tanks. No matter how bad the relationship was or how much you wanted out, it's still what you've known, possibly for a very, very long time.

These are things people tell me that scream, I want to stay connected to my ex! I humbly offer detoxes for these toxic connections. I say toxic because, when you look closely, you can see how unhealthy they are.

·         I can't stand for him to be with anyone else. If I had a top ten list, this would be at the top. It's tough, but you know it's inevitable that you will both move on to other relationships.  Detox. Embrace reality and be grateful. When your ex moves on, in case you were harboring thoughts of reuniting a long time from now, in a galaxy far, far away, this tells you it's really over. You can be grateful for that wake up call. It's also good for kids for whom it can close the door on remarriage fantasies. And you know what, you can stand seeing him with someone else and there are probably other reasons to be thankful. Gratitude always trumps jealousy.

·         I want her to still want me. You've finished with someone, probably don't even want them anymore, but you expect them to be waiting in the wings. You still want to be loved, but that ship has sailed. Detox. Know that you will be fine on your own. You don't need your ex to love you to recognize that you're lovable. And if you really think you're not, this is a great time to start figuring out how the next relationship can be better, and what you need to work on personally. It's time to man up, make the changes and find your next sweetheart.

·         I hurt, and I want him to hurt too.  Do I have to point out that this is just plain mean? Detox. Feeling loving kindness is linked to improved mental and physical health and increased confidence. Part of the meditation involves loving kindness for those toward whom we feel unkind. It's a way of downloading those negative feelings, and allowing them to float out of your head. You will be nicer to be around and you'll probably hurt less.

·         She really needs to apologize to me. "Needs to," does not ever belong in the same sentence as your ex. Your ex probably didn't do a lot of things she "needed to do" when you were married.  You think you're going to get her to do them now? Nope, you're not. Detox. You don't actually need an apology. Forgiveness is something you give because, among other things, it's good for you. And you don't need an apology to forgive. You do it because you're ready to unmoor and sail on. An apology is not going to get rid of the pain. Only letting go does that.

·         I just want us to be friends. Maybe you can be friends. Equally possible, you can't. It doesn't matter. It would be good for the kids, but it's not essential. Detox. You have friends to hang out with and talk to. If you don't, you best get out and make some. Friends have a longer shelf-life than many relationships. It's important to focus on other relationships, not just your personal Titanic.

·         He should respond to my calls or texts immediately. Really? Most people don't respond to our needs immediately, so don't expect it from your ex. Detox. If you're calling and texting repeatedly, stop. Ask yourself whether the situation is really that much of an emergency. Don't wait until the last minute to make arrangements for the kids, or get something you need from your ex. Start planning your course ahead of time, the way you do with most people, and don't expect your newly insignificant other to drop everything for you.

To sum it up, be grateful, be kind, forgive, and don't expect things to be better than they were in the relationship. Letting go is entirely up to you. It means moving on toward the unknown, always a scary prospect. But hey, there's a new world out there. So keep your focus on what's ahead, while you breathe in that clean, detoxified air. Smudge sticks can help with this too.

Have a listen to Taylor Swift's Mean

This blog was originally published at YourTango.

 

Ex-ray Vision for the Toxic Divorce

You don’t look different

But you have changed

No one talks about certain post-divorce strategies that are essential in the management of the toxic divorce. Not that any divorce is particularly good, but the acrimonious, contentious divorce is a special case requiring special measures, kind of like x-ray vision. And I’m here to talk about those measures.

The most important thing. Never, ever fantasize to sexual images, content, audio or anything else sexual involving your ex. No one told me this. I’ve never read it anywhere. Or perhaps I have but just don’t recall. Maybe it’s not THE most important thing, but it’s valuable. It helps one’s ability to look at the other, or through the other, in a non-sexual way, usually a good thing.

Right up there. Never ever let him/her see you looking like crap. Sometimes of course, it’s unavoidable. You run out for a carton of milk with torn, baggy sweats and stringy hair, and there s/he is. I don’t think you have to go crazy with this, never leaving the house without looking like perfection. But it’s something to keep in mind. As an electrolysis tech one shared, never let him see you looking bad. I wondered if she meant hairy. But you decide on what “bad” means for you. It’s not about what they think of how you look, who cares? It’s about how you’ll feel.

Nix ex. At some point you have to stop thinking of him, or her, as your ex. The exness of it looms. It’s all there is. It sucks the life out of you and dominates any room you enter. Give the ex a name. No, not that kind of name. Their actual name: Sue, Dave, George, Maria. It’s deflating, minimizing, it only takes up a small corner of the room or your mind. You are no longer dominated by them. You’re back in control. You can really look right at or through someone who’s a mere person, not an ex.

Something to consider. Be nice. Anger also sucks the life out of you. You have to ask yourself what’s the gain? Is it going to change anything? Will Sue or Maria change as a result? How is the anger affecting you? Your kids? Your friends? This is the point at which you no longer have to say everything you think out loud. Keep it simple. As we say in the south, kill them with kindness. Not literally of course. It’s a lot easier to look someone in the eye when you’re calm.

And finally. Speaking of friends, tell them to stop bashing Dave. It’s not helping your anger management attempts. After the initial validation of everything you think, for which bashing is essential, it no longer serves a purpose. Your best friend has a legitimate right to their own anger. After all, they had a relationship with Dave too. But you have to set limits at some point. That includes parents, sibs and other loved ones. If you’re working on managing your anger, their anger fueling the fire isn’t going to help. Facing Dave evenly is more likely when everyone else is even too.

You’re thinking of me, the same old way

You were above me, but not today.

-I’m Looking Through You. The Beatles

And how about Pat Benatar’s Don’t let it Show for a little extra inspiration.