Get Better Post-Divorce. Take a Lesson from Team USA

After a huge blow, everyone is trying to get better post-divorce.  The US Women’s Soccer team lost the World Cup in a heartbreaker a few days ago.  Talk about a blow.  Goalkeeper Hope Solo was asked whether she thought she’d be there for the next World Cup, 4 years from now, she’s 30 after all.   Her response was that she wasn’t even in her prime as a goal keeper (34 or so), that today’s game was a fun game for the fans to watch, that she knew it created a tremendous amount of interest in women’s soccer, the Olympics are coming up and that she planned to be at the next world cup.

What I noticed about Solo’s response was that it reflected what I surmise to be her get better goals.  Get better goals are those in which you’re trying to get better in some way.  In contrast, a be good goal is one in which you are trying to show how good you are.  As Heidi Halvorson has said, being good is about success, and getting better is about the journey.

Post-divorce, everyone is trying to recover from the unmet be good  goal (i.e., until death do us part).  How about some post-divorce get better goals?  Borrowing from some of my clients, they have decided to:

*take classes (for the fun and stimulation) and maybe get a masters degree

*join the army to fill life with purpose, serving country and learning skills

*move to the dream city to enjoy what it offers and the closeness of family

*date a lot to have fun and perhaps meet the dream mate

Don’t just lose weight, go to singles bars or meditate.  Decide on some get better goals.  What would you like to do?  What would increase the challenge in your life, make you happier, more fulfilled?  Try it and you’ll find you can enjoy the journey.

You’re the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy.  Heartbreaker, Pat Benatar

My Post-Divorce Challenge

One of my July 4^th post-divorce traditions is to run a local 10K.  I run it with 59,999 of my closest friends.  It’s the biggest 10K in the world.  It’s a huge party with music and crowds cheering along the way.  It’s fun.  And it’s a challenge for me.  Although I’ve been running for many years, I just started running in races 7 years ago.  I’m not trying to break any records except my own, but starting out in Atlanta’s July heat and facing 6.2 increasingly hot miles is a stretch.  When I finish I feel great.  They say that finishing a marathon means there’s not a lot you can’t do.  Well, I say finishing a 10K means the same thing.

I’m a bit reluctant to juxtapose this experience with the US women’s soccer team winning their game against Brazil today, but humor me.  It was an incredible game with heartbreaking calls and a tying goal in, literally, the 122^nd minute of the 2^nd overtime.  It was a beautiful display of grit, the combination of perseverance and passion for a goal (no pun intended).  Those women were not giving up any time soon and you could see it in their faces.

In fact, finishing most difficult things can leave you with the feeling that you can conquer the world.  Challenging yourself is a way to get tough.  Challenging yourself makes you more confident. It doesn’t have to be a physical challenge.  How about learning to do something you never really thought you could do, like speak French or play the guitar?  Persevering and getting it done lead to the end result of increased confidence and toughness.  So accept my challenge:  pick a challenge for yourself and see it through.  It’ll help you get that mental toughness and grit you need for the post-divorce challenges.

You Can’t Always Judge a Book by its Cover, or, Change Your Thinking Post-Divorce

I recently read about a treatment for anorexia in which the person is taught to be more cognitively flexible, i.e., they’re taught to think about things in less ritualistic and programmed ways and to try new ways of approaching problems and situations.  Can you see where I’m going with this post-divorce?

Isn’t the post-divorce situation a classic case of trying to change rituals and rigid ways of thinking that are no longer helpful?  In anorexia, the idea is to help the person see foods as they are, instead of simply seeing them for their caloric content.  It’s to help them consider that not running 8 miles a day isn’t going to result in a 200 pound weight gain.  Post-divorce, the idea is to learn to see people, families and other triggers for negative thinking, for what they are.   People who look happy are sometimes happy, and sometimes they’re hiding their true feelings.  Families you observe in restaurants are sometimes happy, biological and intact, the story you may tell yourself.  They are also sometimes unhappy, not biologically related and not intact.   In other words, you can’t always judge a book by its cover.

The treatment for anorexia involves literally using drills to change thinking patterns.  I believe that most of us know how to think more rationally and productively, we just get stuck in the post-divorce doldrums.  Here’s what I think we can do to rewrite our stories.

Notice your triggers.  What are the situations or people that start your cycle of negative self-talk?  Is it watching romantic comedies or going to the health club and seeing lots of couples?  Okay, so maybe you need some behavior change.  You may need to hold off on the romantic comedies for a while.  Perhaps you’d rather go to the health club with a friend.  Fixes can also be cognitive, that is, dispute your thoughts and change them.  At first it feels stilted to say, I’ll have that kind of romance in the future, instead of I’m never going to be in love again.  But if you keep doing it, it starts to take hold and you begin to really see the world differently and your story changes.

Consider ways that your thinking or rituals get you into trouble post-divorce.  Then consider how you can make changes that will result in more positive emotional reactions.  You can actually rewrite the book developing a positive story to go along with situations.

Just to get in the mood:  The Story, Brandi Carlile

Tips for Post-Divorce Vacation Blues

The article I just read about summer depression and seasonal affective disorder triggered my thoughts about special post-divorce summer issues.  Specifically, how to handle your kids being gone with your ex.  Often summer visits are longer, sometimes as much as two months when geography is an issue.  Here are the tips for handling the special challenges:

1.  Try optimism.  Thinking about longer visits as vacations exudes optimism.  It’s a vacation from your kids.  Not that you don’t love them to death, but they don’t say absence makes the heart grow fonder for nothing.  If you’re kids are going on an actual vacation, perhaps one for which you done have the time, money or inclination, think about how positive this is for them.

2.  Make good use of the opportunity.  Everyone has things that pile up.  This is an opportunity to get some things done.  Whether at home or at work, it’s catch up time.  When the vacation is over, you’ll be able to give yourself a huge pat on the back for accomplishing something that’s been looming.

3.  HAVE FUN.  Even with all caps I cannot emphasize this enough.  Whatever fun is for you (and if you can’t remember, this is a great time to figure it out), whether reading novels, renting videos the kids would hate, going zip-lining, having dinner with friends, not cooking, cooking what you’d like to eat…whatever it is, do it.  A lot.  It’ll counteract the pain of the loss.

4.  Refresh and renew.  Fun refreshes and renews, but so do other things.  What refreshes and renews for you?  You probably have more time to get to the gym or your yoga class (that you’re about to sign up for), for a long bath, a solitary walk, a facial or a massage.  This is “me” time.

5.  Accept.  This is how things are going to be.  It may be difficult, but acceptance is key to moving forward and flourishing in your new circumstances.  Breathe, notice and use your strengths to brighten your days.  You can do this, and it gets easier.

And totally dating myself, as usual, for a blast of summer, Summer in the City, Lovin’ Spoonful

Dating and Your Kids: Be Smart

Of course you’re going to date.  Sometime.  The question of how to deal with the kids is common.  As usual in psychological matters, there are not hard and fast rules.  Every family is different.  Each relationship has its own challenges.

Be smart and think things through.  My suggestions for things to consider:

1.  What they need from you is going to be highly specific to your children, their ages, their maturity level, and how much they’re hurting.

2.  Consider your emotional resources.  New relationships are demanding.  Kids come first.  After the kids, your job and other people in your life, how much do you have left for new relationships?  Plan accordingly.

3.  Look for red flags in new relationship.  You know, the things that give you that oh no feeling, that trigger concerns, that you try to overlook because you feel needy.  With kids it’s especially important to pay attention to listen to your intuition and make decisions about new people accordingly.

4.  Everyone knows not to introduce children to new relationships too early.  There’s no point in allowing them to get attached when it’s not something you’re sure about.  There’s no point to have a revolving door of dates that your children consider as potential step-parents.  Of course, there are no guarantees, so you have to take a chance at some point.

5.  Be honest.  Don’t tell your kids that someone’s just a friend if they’re not.  Kids are smart.  Like adults, when they’re lied to, they have trouble trusting.  This doesn’t mean providing too much information when it’s not asked for.  But if asked, be honest and tell the truth.

6.  What if your kids reject your new person?  This is a highly individual decision as well.  Some people will not pursue a relationship if the kids are uncomfortable with it (see the movie Cyrus for an amusing, entertaining and extreme example).  You have to decide if your kids are being reasonable (perhaps picking up on one of the red flags you’re ignoring), or if they’re just not ready.  And if they’re not ready, then what?  You decide.  Taking it slower, limiting “family time” with the new person or ending the relationship are all possibilities.

There’s a lot to think about.  Being smart, or we might say, intentional, and being honest are my best recommendations.  And, of course, having fun is very important!

A Little Post-Divorce Wisdom

It’s summer.  Maybe you have a little more time than usual to reflect.  Wisdom is something that comes from quiet reflection and involves “expertise in the conduct and meaning of life.” These are a few things I’ve been picking up on lately from my clients, who are often quite wise.

*No matter how well meaning we are, our ex-spouse may still perceive us as diabolically underhanded and destructive.

* Always take the high road.  You won’t regret it.

* When in doubt, whether with your ex-spouse, new “friend,” or suffering children, take five, consider the consequences and carefully plan how to act.

*What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander.  That is to say, you may think that because your ex-spouse did something, it’s okay for you to do the same.  They will not necessarily think so.

*The likelihood that your ex-spouse is going to miraculously change into a better person is slim.  And neither will you, unless you work on it.

*If you didn’t communicate well when you were married, you probably won’t communicate well now that you’re divorced.  There are notable exceptions to this rule, but you’re probably not one of them (just probabilities).

*You can improve how you relate to people by learning from your mistakes, i.e., your marriage.

*If it’s difficult for you, know that it gets better.

Mighty words of wisdom:

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.  Marcel Proust

 

Summer music:  Summertime, Janis Joplin

Post-Divorce Optimism, or, Try to Love Again

What a gross oversight.  No blog entry on post-divorce optimism.  Faced with the sometimes devastating but always distressing aftermath of divorce, your optimism will be put to the test.  You know, optimism, that ability to see the bright side, to think positively and to have hope.  Where has it gone? 

Martin Seligman, in his book Learned Optimism,  suggests a number of steps you can take to counter your pessimism, should it rear its ugly head.  The basic idea is to argue with yourself against the negative thinking.  There are several steps.

For example, to counter the pessimistic thought, I’ll never meet anyone I can love again:

What’s the evidence?  Well, I’ve met people before, and I don’t really have a tough time meeting people.  Or maybe I do have a hard time meeting people and this is something I might want to work on.  I know several people who’ve divorced and remarried or gotten involved with someone new so there’s nothing keeping the same from happening for me. 

What’s an alternative thought process?  It may be difficult, but if I really want to meet someone, I know there are steps I can take.

What are the implications of the belief?  To hold the belief that I’ll never love again is just going to keep me from moving ahead.  If I’m open to the possibility that I might love again, that gives me a direction to move in.

What’s the utility of the belief?  The negative belief keeps me stuck and feeling bad.  It makes me feel that I’m not lovable.  If I believe that I’m lovable then I might be able to meet someone I want to love.  Getting rid of the negative belief allows me to try to meet someone, try to be happy single or try to focus on other things in my life right now.

It all goes back to one of the basic premises of cognitive therapies, you can’t always believe what you think.  Likewise, in coaching, sometimes you have to find your optimism when it gets lost in the post-divorce miasma.  Identify one of your pessimistic thoughts and go through the steps.  Asking the tough questions can help you move ahead.

The First Cut is the Deepest.  Sheryl Crow