Surf’s Up Post-Divorce

Bethany Hamilton lost her arm to a shark in 2003 while surfing.  She had planned for a career surfing, and she did not let it stop her.  It’s hard to imagine that she was surfing within a month, while so many of us spend many months or years bemoaning the various trials with which we are faced post-divorce.  It’s sobering, yet inspiring.  Perhaps learning to surf is in your future.

How can you be a post-divorce survivor and live your dreams? 

*Retain your focus and purpose

*Use your social network for support

*Dig deep and tap into your drive to succeed

*Hang out with people that make you laugh

*Keep moving…exercise and be active

*Learn something new every day (surfin?)

"It's exciting just to see how life works out," she says, "and how good can come out of bad situations."  Bethany Hamilton (listen to her inspiring interview)

Surfin’ USA, The Beach Boys

Post-Divorce Foes and Fixes

I’ll admit it.  I’ve totally stolen these from Greg Melville’s articleabout common race foes.  But let’s face it, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a race, a post-divorce adjustment or a book.  The mental game is always the same.  Melville identifies four mental foes that get in the way on race day.  See how they apply to you.

* Your inner worry wart.  You know, the guy that leads you to question everything about your ability to function as a person, a partner and a worthwhile human being.  The fix…imagine yourself succeeding at whatever it is.  Whether it’s a date, paying the bills or getting rid of the mouse in the basement, visualize yourself doing it and doing it effectively and well.

* Your inner slacker.  This guy says there’s no hurry, you’ll figure things out eventually.  That’s true, you will figure things out eventually, but why wait?  You only have one life, and it’s short.  The fix…keep moving and working to get outside your comfort zone.  Think big and outside the box.  Try new things.  Get creative. 

* Your inner competitor.  This guy causes you to assess your abilities against everyone else’s, whether  that’s helpful or not.  Often, it’s not so helpful.  The fix…in the race of life it’s just you, trying to do your personal best.   You can learn from others who are successful, but don’t compare and be sure to enjoy your journey. 

* Your inner quitter.  This guy really makes you doubt you have the energy or grit to finish. You could cancel that date, pay the bills late and leave the mouse in the basement.  The fix…the urge to quit will pass.  Keep on with determination and grit.  You’ll get a second wind.

Don’t let any foes get in the way of living a happy and fulfilling life.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life.  Enjoy the Journey. 

Fix You, Coldplay

Be Authentic Post-Divorce

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
William Shakespeare

One of the things that people complain about post-divorce is that they’ve lost their sense of self. The self is so often tied up with the partner that there is can be a loss of confidence in one’s own judgment, opinions and beliefs. The compromise you’ve lived with for so long is no longer necessary. It’s all up to you.

It could just be me, but I think that divorce is actually a great opportunity to redefine one’s sense of self. I find authenticity is a useful way to look at where we want to go post-divorce.

Clues to trying to live authentically:

Telling the truth to ourselves and others
Attempting to live a life true to our inner values and beliefs, not to those of others or society
Congruity between our values, attitudes, needs, and our behavior
Congruity between our values, attitudes, needs, and that which we express to others
Thought, words and behavior are all consistent with your true self

Red flags for inauthenticity:

Not saying what you think
Pretending to be something you’re not
Worrying about how you appear to others
Second guessing decisions you make
Inability to take a desired action step

So, if you stop trying to make yourself into more than you are out of fear that you are less than you are, whoever you really are will be a lot lighter and happier, and easier to live with, too. Kabat-Zinn.

Be Yourself, Graham Nash

Use Your Emotional Intelligence Post-Divorce

Having just written a blog about EI, I started thinking about how to use some of the concepts for the post-divorce adjustment period. EI is all about skills for managing emotions, ours and others’, so it seems appropriate to consider in the turmoil post- divorce. Here are a few ideas.

Be authentic, not phony. What a great time to set the intention of being who you really are. You don’t have to fit into someone else’s fantasy of who they want you to be. Be yourself. And if you’re not sure who you are, find out. Try different things. Experiment. Have fun.

Be centered, not reactive. What calms you down, relaxes you and allows you to take things as they come? Whatever it is, do it. A lot. Use all the mindfulness skills at your disposal to be able to act with awareness, nonjudgmentally. Be kind to yourself.

Be resilient, not fragile. It really is a marathon. You’re not going to sprint through the post-divorce period. Think about what you’d need to do to run a marathon. You’d need a goal, a plan, support, positivity and dedication. Think about all the difficult things you’ve accomplished in your life. This is no time to wimp out. You’re tough. Show it.

Be present, not absent. Being present is about being able to experience things in the moment without getting sidetracked by thoughts, worries or predetermined ideas. Presence is about being confident in your own skin because you’re an important, worthwhile, talented person with lots to offer. Fill the space you enter with everything you are. Make an impression.

Be Here Now, George Harrison

The Four P’s of Happiness Post-Divorce

I’m really liking Joe Wilner’s 4 P’s of happiness for the post-divorce period.

Pleasure – There is definitely a need for most of us to focus on increasing pleasure post-divorce. With divorce you lose whatever pleasure you had from activities you enjoyed with your spouse. You may have to replace those activities with new ones, engage in those activity alone, or with other people. Engage in a pleasurable activity today.

People – In addition to losing the daily interactions with your spouse, you may also lose their friends and family, often an integral part of your village. It’s important to bring new people into your village, or rekindle relationships with people who’ve drifted away. Call a friend or email someone you’ve lost touch with. Connect with someone today.

Purpose – Making progress toward identifying your purpose in life, why you are on the planet, is something that increases happiness. The post-divorce period is a most important time to reconsider this issue, or consider it for the first time. Bringing more meaning to your life will help ease the difficulties you face post-divorce. Hold a door open for someone, clean a friend’s house, volunteer time with a charity. Do something meaningful today.

Passion – Closely aligned with purpose is finding your passion. Maybe you’ve already found it, and it’s part of your daily life. Great, do more of it. Maybe you’ve put some things on the back burner that you would find fulfilling and exciting. Find your flow baby. Spend some time in an activity that you’re passionate about today.

Practice one P today or participate in a plethora of P’s, but happiness post-divorce is a passion to be purposefully pursued.

Happiness. The Fray

Post-Divorce: Dating vs Marriage?

A kind dating guru sent me a link to an article about why people choose not to marry, thinking it might interest my readers. The reasons include:

*Wanting freedom, independence, career
*Not wanting compromise, conformity, financial complications and, of course divorce
*They already have it all, are too young, are waiting for their soul mate

Let’s take a look at the post-divorce list.
*All of the above (except make “are too young,” “are too old”)
*Complications with the parenting issues, kids’ reactions and blended families
*Lack of trust in the institution of marriage...” look how it turned out the last time(s)”
*Lack of trust in the institution…perhaps humans are not meant to be in long-term monogamous relationships
*Feeling of “what’s the point?,” particularly if kids are grown

If I’ve left anything out, please comment below.

I’m all about the benefits of relationships and dating for those post-divorce. But I think marriage has to be an individual decision. It certainly does seem to have its downsides. But you have to weigh those against the benefits. And problems in a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, can be addressed.

Contact me to attend a free 2-session teleseminar, Move Into Post-Divorce Life. Enjoy the Journey.

33 Variations Post-Divorce

What I learn[ed] - and it's why I view it as a Zen play - is that if you take the time - which often old age and disease forces you to do - you slow down and take the time - you begin to see things differently. Things that might on the surface look mediocre, but that, in fact, when you pierce them and delve down into them, are beautiful. Jane Fonda,interview

Of course, I’d add that divorce, like old age and disease, forces you to slow down. And similarly, if you to do take the time, you can see things in a different light. It’s like a variation on an old theme. You’re not a different person, but you can become a wiser one.

Wisdom is the knowledge and understanding that enables us arrive at optimal judgments regarding reasoned and just behavior. How can we strive to move toward a wiser stance post-divorce?

To move closer to this ideal, we must try to answer the following questions for ourselves, a good journaling exercise.

How can you find your truth? Consider the rules you would like to live by and the kind of person you would like to be. Consider how you’d like to change things and what you’d like to keep the same.

What do you need to learn and how can you learn what you need to? Reading, talking with wise people, friends and advisors and observing carefully are all ways to become more knowledgeable and increase understanding.

What does it mean to take responsibility? After all the anger, hurt and recriminations, think about what your responsibility was and what you’d like to take responsibility for from here on out.

How do you know what’s appropriate? Carefully observe the way your behavior affects the others around you and how different attitudes affect your own sense of well-being.

As the Beethoven character in the play says: I was able to create music that never would have been possible had I been in the world of the hearing. The thing I feared most had happened, and yet it allowed me to be with my music in the most intimate ways.

33 variations On a Waltz by Diabelli, Beethoven.

Read or hear interview with Fonda.