Preparing for Your First Date Post-Divorce

Everything You Need to Know and Feel To Get Started Again.

Tune into Voice America to hear me interviewed by Margaret Jacobson, The Mother Rising, on how to get ready for that first post-divorce date. You listen during the show at 7:00PM ET, or later, at your convenience.

You can also call in with questions at 1-888-346-9141.

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How To Know You're Ready To Date After A Divorce

One of the things virtually every client going through a divorce tells me is they can't imagine dating. They're not ready to even think about dating. It's not on their radar. It's the last thing on their minds. This thinking often continues post-divorce.

I know you're hurt, you're uncertain, and the marriage has been a bad experience in one way or another. Maybe it's been a terrible experience. The thing is, you once made the decision to marry which tells me you're most likely a couples kind of person. You like being in a relationship. You like being close. I'm in no way suggesting you must date, get in another intimate relationship or get married. I'm simply suggesting you entertain the possibility of dating.

How will you know when you're ready? Read more here…

Get information and reviews about dating sites here…

Consider Speed Dating Post-Divorce

I know how difficult it is to consider returning to the dating scene after a long marriage or relationship has ended. I like speed dating for getting back into the dating world. One of the benefits of speed dating is that you don't have to experience the same kind of rejection. It's not in your face rejection. It's not even on the phone rejection. It's just computer rejection when your list matches, or doesn't, with theirs.  This is a good way to get your feet wet. For those who can't quite accept the on-line dating idea, speed dating can be a compromise. It's not like a traditional date, but it's also not a totally virtual date, with all the attendant worries about who this person really is.

Here's the thing about speed dating, women have more power in the speed dating area. Not surprisingly the research shows women are more selective in their speed dating choices. Other non-surprising findings for women: be attractive; don't be more ambitious or intelligent than your prospective date. Hold on! If women are the "deciders" in speed dating, I have to say that there's no gain in dumbing down. Instead, be as ambitious and intelligent and you want to be. As far as attractiveness, I suspect you're as attractive as you feel. I wouldn't worry about it. As with shopping for shoes or cars, too many choices is overwhelming and tends to result in fewer dates. You might want to try a speed dating group that's not too large.

The findings are a little different for men. A Stanford study found that it's important for men to be enthusiastic, to listen, and to focus on the woman's concerns in conversation. In other words, it's not all about you. Men should ask about things related to what the woman is saying. Don't just ask random questions to fill the time. Guys, that means you need to be engaged and understanding.

The research on salespeople has a lot to offer both men and women. Talk, but not too much. Listen, but not to the point that you seem like you have nothing to say. Show your understanding and engagement by mirroring. If they sit straight, you do the same. If they touch, you touch. Keep in mind that waitresses that touch get bigger tips. Make it a friendly touch; nothing too suggestive.

Go into the speed dating with your expectations in check and your intentions clear. Decide if you're just having fun. It could be an experiment in getting back into the dating scene and you're going to see how it goes. You might be practicing your social skills and reducing your anxiety about dating again. If you're looking for your dream-date remember, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. Of course, it's always good to start with a few good tips and a great pair of shoes.

Going Online To Meet Post-Divorce

Gone online to meet someone post-divorce is a great idea. But beware, if you had no doubts before, surely after the Manti Te'o fiasco you are taking a hard look at your online relationships. If you're not, I'm here to suggest that you do so. It's important to be smart about online relationships. Recognize them for what they are  and accept their limitations.

Questions to ask:

·         Q. Should I be concerned that s/he doesn't want to meet me offline? 

A. Yes! You should absolutely be concerned if s/he only wants to talk online. Not wanting a real face-to-face says s/he definitely has something to hide. It could be the same thing that explains why s/he's never available in the evening or on the weekend. Someone who doesn't want to meet you is not a girl/boyfriend, friend or any other type of intimate. They're just someone you talk to online. 

·         Q. Why am I always the one initiating contact? 

A. Great question. It's easy to be a little needy post-divorce. Men are even more likely to feel a need to jump right into another relationship. Guys, it may not be fun, but it's okay to feel a little pain and it's probably necessary to really move on. Bottom line, although she's quick to respond and flirt when you contact her, it's still a sign that she might not be that into you. In fact, it's a sign that she's likely not that into you. Set a timeframe during which the relationship has to progress. If it doesn't, it's time to move on.

·         Q. Am I spending too much time with people online?

A. Maybe. Your high school boyfriend, with whom many re-establish contact post-divorce, who you haven't seen in 15 years, is not your boyfriend. Why are you spending hours chatting him up online? It didn't work out the first time, right? You might consider what you are not doing that you would be doing if you spent less time online.  Like having dinner with your friends or working out at the gym where you might meet a real boyfriend. Consider adopting a rule of spending at least as much time with real-life friends as on-line friends. You can also try a little technology cleanse.

·         Q. How long do I go without a face-to-face?

A. I'm talking in person, not Face Timing or Skyping. What are you getting out of the online contact and what are you missing out on? One recent study concluded that only real-life friends lead us to feel happier. Another study found that you can have a lot of online friends, but you won't feel supported by them the same way you do by your real-life friends. This is particularly true for people after a breakup. Online chats, texts and even phone calls are for getting to know someone. Once that's done, it's time to move on and meet up, or end it.

·        Q. Why can't I find her on Goggle?  

A. I'll bet Manti wishes he'd asked himself this question. Not everyone has a huge internet presence, but you can tell where they ought to show up. Someone who graduates from Stanford should appear on an alumni list and a professional should be listed on a licensing website. The absence of this type of confirmation ought to raise your suspicions. You can always ask the person about it. Any reasonable person meeting online would understand your desire for a little concrete validation that they're who they say they are. After all, people lie.

 Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. Then move away from any imaginary boyfriends you uncover and keep it real.

 An earlier version of this post appeared at YourTango.

Fake Friends, Joan Jett

Post-Divorce Dating...Don't Fake It Online

Tempted to enhance your image online post-divorce? Don't do it!

I am quoted in this article about why people create imaginary relationships online at YourTango.

Post-Divorce Dating Online

It’s official. According to a story today on NPR, more than half of modern couples meet on-line. That doesn’t include the people who meet in bars but actually met first on-line. So for you post-divorcees, consider the possibility of getting your dating going via the internet. It worked for me.

As the psychologist quoted pointed out, no one knows what you want the way you do. And you can screen for things important to you via on-line dating services. Sure you’ll meet some people you’re not interested in seeing again, but that’s always true of dating. It’s still a lot quicker than traditional meets.

Shop as many sites as it takes to find one you’re comfortable with. Look for sites that capture your interests if the biggies like match.com don’t appeal. You can date by ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, geekiness, profession, wealth, politics, athleticism and probably anything else you’re interested in. Consider free sites if you’re not sure about the commitment.

Other tips for on-line dating:

- Tell the truth and present your best self, but there’s no point in saying you’ve got an athletic body type or college degree if you don’t.

- Consider different options like speed dating and matchmaking services.

- Be safe, i.e., use your head.

- Do not personalize everything; if someone doesn’t get back to you there are a million reasons why.

- Be ready to move on if something doesn’t feel right or isn’t working right.

- Consider anyone who meets your criteria. You can always ditch them later and it’s good practice.

- Have fun!!!