Post-Divorce Holiday Tips

If I do say so myself, my tips from last year on managing post-divorce holiday stress are pretty good: Do what you do to de-stress; create new rituals; look good; accept the new; remember why you made the choices you made.


I have a few more for this year.

Acceptance is golden. It wasn’t perfect before the divorce and it won’t be perfect now. Accept that truth. It’s okay to do the best you can. It’s quite good enough because it has to be. If you and your brother didn’t get along well before, you’re not going to get along better now just because you’re divorced and want things to be peaceful and pleasant. If the kids argue normally, they’re going to argue even though it’s the holidays.

Be social. Although we don’t always get along with our loved ones, even for the most diehard introverts, holidays are tough alone. If need be, invite yourself someplace. Friends are usually more than happy to make room for one more.

Money can’t buy you love. Coming into the Chanukah and Christmas spending seasons, post-divorce most of us just don’t have as much as before. The kids can do with less. Either they’re old enough to understand or too young to care about exactly how much money you spent. Your friends will understand if you don’t have as much to give as you did before.

Volunteer. Serving Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner to people in need is a fulfilling experience and one that can make even the most depressing post-divorce holiday warmer and more upbeat. If you can’t serve, considering giving food or money.

Be thankful. It’s Thanksgiving, so be thankful for what you do have. What a great time to start a gratitude journal or a gratitude book for the whole family. And speaking of gifts, gratitude letters are great gifts. So are personalized cards expressing thanks to friends and family for specific things. And so are photo books and other handmade or made-to-order personalized gifts that are not too expensive.

Happy holidays! And thanks for reading my blog.

Say you don't need no diamond ring and I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.  Can’t Buy Me Love. The Beatles.

Post-divorce Self-compassion

Considering the value of self-esteem is relevant to the post-divorce period. I’ve already talked about how self-esteem can be impacted negatively in marriage, but now we’re all about questioning the very notion of self-esteem. Some people call it self-indulgence.

I like the idea that we would do better to consider self-compassion as an alternative to self-esteem. Adapted for post-divorce, self-compassion involves:

* Being tolerant of the self. Tolerance is about being non-judgmental, particularly in the face of failures. Since divorce is the ultimate failure for many because of their values, hopes and dreams, it’s useful to consider a different view. Perhaps it isn’t a failure at all. Perhaps we do not need to judge ourselves through the right-wrong lens. Acceptance without judgment is a different view. Sometimes, if not always, we’re where we need to be.

* Recognizing that pain is part of the human experience. We need not be isolated in our pain. I’ve talked about the role of friendship and support post-divorce which I think is really important. We are not islands but part of the common humanity. Everyone has their pain and it’s good to talk about ours. We can help others by being there, listening and supporting.

* Trying to maintain emotional balance. We need not exaggerate our failings, including indulging in self-pity when in pain. This is a toughie, but ruminating, obsessing and getting hysterical about our problems is rarely useful. Trying to get a calm, clear perspective and to maintain that perspective without drama is very useful. It involves noticing your thoughts and accepting or redirecting them instead of allowing the negative focus to engulf us. Sometimes input from others helps us gain perspective and feel supported.

So instead of bemoaning that your self-esteem is low because of the divorce, try taking special care to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, and maybe even to others, post-divorce. It’s a goal likely to boost happiness.

Post-Divorce Mindset: Failure or Renewal?

It’s autumn and the leaves are changing. They’re beautiful, and though we know they’re dying, we don’t see it as a failure. It’s a process of readying for winter followed by renewal in the spring. We love the changes.

What does this have to do with divorce? If we can think of the post-divorce period as a process, then we might talk about a failed marriage, then a process of change followed by renewal. It’s when we have the mindset, I’m a failure because of my divorce, that we get into trouble. Thinking of yourself as a failure obviously leaves little room for change. Thinking of yourself as a person who was in a bad marriage, and is now recovering from that experience and moving toward growth and renewal, is infinitely more helpful.

*Becoming is better than being. So said someone and I have to agree. Now that you’re single, what would you like to become? Think of three things you’d like to become at this point in your life. For example, become a yogi/yogini, become an accomplished cook, or become a better parent. Better yet, become all three.

*One man or woman’s meat is another’s poison. I’ll have to agree with that one as well. You’ll meet or have already met many who identify their divorce as the turning point in their lives after which all else went to the dogs. You’ll meet many more who identify their divorce as the turning point after which all else (relatively speaking) was dog heaven. And here’s the secret: meat or poison, heaven or hell, it’s completely up to you. You make it what you want based on how you think about it. If you think creatively and positively about how you’re going to flourish, like the trees come springtime, you’ve got it covered.

*You are what you think. I definitely agree with this one. You are not a failure, you are not just a divorced person, you are a survivor. And you are about to create your own destiny. This is a growth opportunity, as are most tragedies. Athletes with a “growth mindset” learn from their losses and misses to become better players. People with growth mindsets know they can do anything they set their minds to, regardless of what they’ve been through. So figure out how you’d like to grow.

Change how you think of yourself and your experiences to make the post-divorce experience one of renewal and not failure. Spring is just around the corner.

Just for fun:  Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone

Journal Post-Divorce...For Your Eyes Only

After writing recently about journaling for health and other assorted reasons, I thought, what better way to get out of the post-divorce doldrums?

I started my as yet unpublished memoir in the early post-divorce period. It was quite therapeutic. I submitted an as yet unpublished essay to the NY Times Modern Love column. While the rejection was disappointing, or as I prefer to say, “unlucky,” it was fun to write and exciting to submit.

I’m not saying you have to write for publication. Writing, if it comes reasonably naturally to you, is a great way to get thoughts and feelings out of your head, enhance your understanding of situations and difficulties, problem-solve, be creative and have fun. It can be for your eyes only.

You can write your way:

*through depressed, angry and guilty feelings
*through new and difficult situations, like dating
*through problems, e.g., with the kids, with your future, with your ex
*into your new and improved post-divorce personna

There are many famous post-divorce books, including:

*How to Sleep Alone in a King-size Bed
*Eat, Pray, Love
*First Wives Club
*Heartburn

So get out pen and paper, a notebook or journal, or open a brand new page in your word processor, and just let it flow. Leave your internal editor behind, and see what comes out. Get wild, get crazy, have some fun…it’s for your eyes only.

You've Said Goodbye to Your Narcissist...Wake up and Smell the Flowers

Charming, commanding and demanding, the narcissist (almost as often a woman as a man) is sure to strain even the sanest, most committed mate. So finally, you’ve had enough, either because you were pushed to the limit or because you knew it would never change. So you’ve kicked him or her out. You’re alone. Once you’ve said goodbye to your narcissist, you have to learn a few things.

Learn to:

*Be alone
*Deal with your guilt and anger
*Rely on your own judgment
*Trust your view of reality
*Love yourself as you are
*Recognize your codependence

Learning to love yourself is important, but it’s not enough. You must also learn not to attract yet another narcissist. Or if you do, you must learn to let him/her go. If you can’t do the things you need to make you happy (okay, I’m on a happiness kick which is why I started thinking about this to begin with) then you could have a narcissist on your hands.

You must:

*Be assertive and say no when appropriate
*Notice when you’re being a caretaker, which is probably what got you in trouble in the first place
*Not be controlled and give up things important to you in deference to what they want
*Notice when you’re feeling bad and take appropriate action
*Notice when you spend a lot more time stroking your partner than being stroked
*Notice when you’re wary of the mood you’re partner is going to be in

When these things are becoming increasingly difficult, you must consider the distinct possibility that you’ve involved yourself with another narcissist. Wake up and smell the flowers!

For inspiration: Annie Lennox, Pavement Cracks

Post-Divorce 12-Step Program

What do you think of a post-divorce 12-step program? You know, for recovering divorcees. Has it been done? Goggle reveals nothing. I’ll have to brush up on my 12-steps. No, I’m not an addict and don’t want to pass myself off as one. Though there’s always Addicted to Love, of course.

My 60-second post-divorce 12-step manual.

Step 1. Recognize you were powerless to stop the divorce. It happened. What’s done is done.

Step 2. Only a power greater than ourselves can restore sanity, e.g., running, yoga, mindfulness, god, therapy, coaching.

Step 3. Turn yourself over to the greater power. You must want to get better and move on.

Step 4. Make a fearless moral inventory. How have you lived your life? And how do you want to live it? This is a good time for a change.

Step 5. Admit your wrongs.  Identify weaknesses and failings.

Steps 6 and 7. Be ready to have your greater power remove these defects. Whatever your greater power, put it to work here. Personally, I think that means you. Work to get your act together.

Step 8. Make a list of those you have harmed. There are always those we have pushed aside if not downright harmed, particularly in the midst of the post-divorce trauma, if not before.

Step 9. Make amends to those you have harmed. It’s a good time to sort out your issues with people.

Step 10. Continue with your personal inventory and when wrong, admit it promptly.

Step 11. Through prayer and meditation (or running, music, etc). improve our connection with our higher power.

Step 12. Carry the message to others. I survived divorce. You can too!

I like the 12-step focus on being a better person. It’s a good focus for all that negative post-divorce energy.

Mood music: Addicted to Love, Robert Palmer.

Post-Divorce Intentions

Mindful behavior involves intentions. In short, you consciously decide what you’d like to be doing and then set an intention to do that thing. Consider what you’d like to be doing differently post-divorce, and what intentions you might need to set to make that happen.

You have to consider the things you’re struggling with and what your intentions might be. Some of the possibilities for post-divorce intentions are:

*I notice my many positive qualities (being divorced is not my central defining characteristic).
*I am present in the moment (and not dwelling on how things were or could have been).
*I take care of things myself (even if I haven’t always done so).
*I speak only in neutral or positive terms about Jon, Jill or whoever (i.e., your ex).
*I focus on wholesome, healthy thoughts about my divorce (not unwholesome or unhealthy thoughts).
*I believe being single is a normal, healthy state (not a lowly life form just above an amoeba).

Identify your intention(s) and go through these four steps.

First, be aware of your intention. Let’s take the intention, I believe being single is a normal state. Negative thoughts that come up about being divorced (e.g., I’m a failure, Everyone is married but me, You have to be in a couple to be happy) are thoughts to notice but not dwell on.

Second, remind yourself of the intention when you notice the negative thinking. When you notice you're thinking that everyone is married except you, remind yourself that being single is normal, that many people are single, even never-married, and are perfectly normal.

Third, keep the intention in mind with some reminder you develop. You have a beloved object you’ve acquired after the divorce that you put on your dresser to remind yourself every morning that your intention is to live with the knowledge that being single is a normal, healthy state. You set a reminder on your phone that pops up every 3 hours that says, I’m a powerful, attractive person. Each is a structure you establish that reminds you of your intention.

Fourth, keep track of how you’re doing with your intention and notice the gains you make. If you feel you can do better, design a plan for doing so without criticism or judgment. Perhaps the object on your dresser is working well, but you need something at the office too. Great! Do it.

Being aware of our intentions and setting them mindfully can be a real help post-divorce.